Back to safety

a3336821945_16

Sometimes what once was the centre of your world becomes exhausting, murky and isolating. This year I have opened my eyes to others’ perspectives on that very important thing I had only looked at from my own heart’s perspective. It can be hard to separate heart and mind when the love one feels is all consuming. It is very true what they say about love being blind. Grateful I am for insights and clarity on a picture, which had only ever had one presentation, nothing else compared and something I fiercely and unconditionally protected shutting eyes and ears to anything else in the process. It nearly cost me dearly and took me away in a direction I knew nothing about however much I convinced myself that I did.

Today I looked at that same picture and saw a gloomy, lonely, unwell landscape what before seemed like haven on earth, the only place to live and die. Strikingly it looked back at me as there we both were as if seeing each other for the first time. What an eye-opening experience this summer. I finally admitted and accepted that suffering does not equate eternal bliss, they are polar opposites, yet my attachment to pain, an old pattern, slowly sneaked up into this experience. Being blind was part of the game, part of the lure into a place dark and lonely. Love is a funny thing and that, I understand, relates to all sorts of love, be it for a person, behaviour, place or a certain feeling. We often get blind-sided by what we are not willing to see for the sake of preserving what we think will ultimately bring us joy. When we get out of our heads and step away from this one perspective we can see all the blind spots. The words of others would ring in our ears all at once and suddenly, for the first time, we hear their voices and see their perspective. Being trapped in a love that is projected, idealised can be dangerous, I know it now, as that kind of love will ask you to give up many things and people, who are actually meant to be in your life. Others are like mirrors into our experience, they are there to point out where we are going wrong and take us back into their arms no matter how far we might have strayed. This is a blessing, as what would happen if there was no way back, no one there to welcome us back to a safe shore?

It has been a difficult summer in particular. I found my allies in places I didn’t expect and returning to a home I long forgot provided me with much needed foundation to start rebuilding my experience, anew, in a different way, more kind and compassionate to the whole of myself, not just an isolated part.

Relationships, however, weak, strong, distant or unnoticed are valuable for us all and should be cultivated and cherished even if only for a while, but the most important thing is to notice, to hear, to allow for that hand of help stretch towards us when we don’t know what is good for us. Living in the earthly is fundamental for the spiritual to feel safe – that much is clear. One without the other is limited and it is also the most difficult integration and manifestation there is, the hardest lesson to learn while we remain in this time space reality.

Summer always feels unsafe to me with its unforgiving, merciless sun and the overwhelm of all senses with dense, unpenetrable forests’ paths. I get lost, confused and on edge all of the time, which makes me vulnerable to all sorts of experiences. They hit all at once, relentless dreams, mental states confusion, anxiety, body shutting down its communication. I don’t feel healthy or well during summer and by the end of it I am always exhausted and in a break-down mode in every way. Now with autumn coming, I am finally coming back to myself., back to safety. Relieved I can begin to breathe again. A process of recovery and reconstruction starts all over again, as it does every year. I am yet to figure out a way of working with summer, something, I suspect, is meant to be that exact way, although difficult to tolerate.

Photo: Arielle Vey ariellevey.com

When love is too much

0CF50958-281B-4703-A33E-062423BE5573

 

I said good bye to the land yesterday and this time it is indefinitely. I need to rebuild myself from, what feels like, ground up, as I am completely broken and exhausted from love. Yes, that is possible and I have been here before with another previous love, a human kind. The land has always been like a living breathing entity to me. Our relationship now needs a break and I hear everything it had ever said to me clearly. I cannot go on for the time being. My edges need softening, my rage pacified and my soul needs peace. All love eventually, I believe, leads to pain after an ecstasy of experience.

Rest in knowing I have given you my all without leaving much for myself, but life needs sustaining, nourishing, building and rebuilding if all is to co-exist in balance. It is hard for me to write this, yet I recognise an immense need to release it out of my being, awareness and constant swirling of it all in my mind.

The land is wise. It knows what needs balancing and often we come to realisations through hardship, illness, losses or experiences that are confusing and painful. This time the land spat me out. Like a wild animal that did not want to be domesticated. I dreamt of walking away with ravens and black roses bleeding out of the tips of my fingers and winds howling. Like a horror movie with my heart in my mouth I felt like a curse was in place and it was about to exclude me out of its working finally, for my own benefit. Too much pain and too much love. The two old friends of mine. Intensity had become difficult to bear and I am tired. Misunderstanding, confusion has occurred in this relationship. I have come to understand the reasons behind what had happened and patterns I entangled myself in. I started experiencing loses, threats to my security, family, health, financial losses and my mental stability and peace began to suffer. Confusion, grief, sadness, intensity, apprehension and fear had all been present in me for far too long with my association that rooted in this relationship. It was a warning for my own good and on reflection I am grateful for that ‘rejection’ that really stemmed from mutual love and understanding.

For now I want to be released and something inside me has broken on this last trip, which feels completely necessary. I have also gained awareness of the outside perspective and how others had viewed the situation for many years, which I had been blind to. It is as if I gained a fresh sight and overview of what’s been happening. “Love, indeed, is blind” would be the right description here. I now crave something softer, gentler and kinder like one does coming out of a storm whether in nature or from an internal emotional one. I would like peace of a different kind where loud sharp spiritual messages come as soft whispers instead and where my body feels warm and intact rather than torn to pieces. Sometimes places call us for a reason and my work is nowhere near done, but huge lessons learnt from this deep relationship of unconditional love, destruction, transformation and personal growth. For now I am ‘kicked out’ and I am glad of it, as it is exactly what is needed.

 

 

The Loch of my heart

A beautiful melody of your heart brushes against a shore

As I stand in trance-like state amidst the symphony that is your waters

Silvery shimmer like a thread connected to my inside

I spill my musings into a flow of the sacred grey depth

Loch Tay is a dream that is continuous

Without interruption it comes to my imaginings again and again

The deep calm waters touch into my unconscious like a life’s mystery never to be discovered

But what an ecstasy it is to wonder

To gaze upon the expansive body that takes me places of indescribable power, beauty and spirit

Image: clivecatton.co.uk

Going home

Like a lover long gone it gently teases with its promise of pleasure

Like the first love long dead it stirs the ashes of my shaken heart into yarning

Like a smoke over the hills it entices me home

Like a river it washes off my worldly doings

You never were mine, will you be mine now?

Will you come like an old friend that never forgot?

Like an old wound that still remembers the pain of love

Will you heal with me in embrace eternal and sacred?

Will you die with me always knowing the love we shared?

Will you come home?

Call back the souls

Does the land call souls back? She does.

Or how else she knows and hears more of its beauty

It seeks souls out who crave home like a mother’s breast, those who carry their hearts ready for surrender

All that souls want is belonging, sacred quiet of the land’s womb forever tied together

And in their belonging they praise, admire and serve the spirit of the land as the creator of them all

Glory to the land that souls worship like ships after a battle flocking back home where all is true and peaceful

Does the land call souls home? She does as that’s how things end for us all including her that only lives and breathes when she’s loved completely, till the end

The land of me

The land that steals my soul over and over and feels like the gentlest fall into paradise

Its earthly being shapes my everything

Soft whisper of its spirit holds me whole till I melt into its form as perfect as the most sacred

It takes me places I can only dream of and even in dreams it is otherworldly leaving no words to describe its beauty

Beauty. What is it? In the land you know the true meaning of what true beauty is, living and breathing, pulsating through rocks and valleys like an eternal traveller never arriving

As your heart beats I exhale. As you blow wind over the mountains it catches in my hair

Intoxicatingly sweet with daggers all over my heart made of pure gold

With fingers in moss like your flesh soothing and cold

I miss you always. That distant echo in my heart that never stops calling in day and night

The line that never breaks, but trembles with tears, laughs and screams that only makes it stronger and that’s how I live it

Breath by breath, step by step, heart to heart hopelessly in sweet surrender

Photo: Land of the lost by Daniel Laan (found on Instagram). Thank you very much! 

That place

There’s this place I know far far into northern parts

It is raw with spirit, with rugged edges and foamy waves and winds that rip through your heart mercilessly

It is the wild part in me it speaks to the most

It is the unrest in my soul it wants to harbour like a ship of its own fleet, like a native creature long extinct

What I didn’t know it holds cruelty as it will ask you to give up all that is here and now, all that is day to day

It is made of another substance all together and it lives only by its own rules

It holds the biggest spirit in its rivers, mountains and forests that it will blind you with its majesty and beauty

Losing yourself to it is easy, effortless, delightful even

Pulling yourself back into life is near impossible as once that pristine air enters your lungs it is all you will find yourself being able to breathe and life, that life we have here on Earth becomes worth losing

Dangerous, you see, losing yourself in the overwhelm of the beautiful land, joining spirit before your time

The land is a perfect place for that, losing yourself. It knows the deepest grief and the most glorious rising towards another world where nothing matters but the feeling of belonging to it unconditionally, in surrender