A rough start

A rough start. Do you hear the rumble deep in the shadows and up in the starry sky?

Unfolding and twisting, slow and steady. Fear gripped the chest and breathing drops heavy.

A rough start. Do we coil inwards or open up like bare earth to the storm

Do we run and hide or come out into the darkest opening. We simply continue. We patiently observe Water, Air, Earth and Fire within and without.

Water invites to join the flow of life

The life stirring within the Earth as delicate as lace but as strong as the very intention of life

Air rushes through us as if to say ‘hold on’ blasting our beings with possibilities

Fire within burns steady whether strong and steady or distant and barely warm it burns

A rough start but a start nevertheless

Whatever we are to wake up to is felt and it will come when we stare in awe into future

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Shadows at dawn

The pull of a new calendar year is strong, as if something in me can’t wait for a clean sheet of paper to start writing another story. It yarns for the taste of spring, for fresh changes. This is very much in the collective at this time of year and I do have some resistance to being caught up in the collective yearly pattern, as I know there isn’t a need to be in that place, yet here I am. Have you noticed how pictures of bluebells begin to pop up here and there around this time? People post them everywhere. It pulls us out of here and now in an instant and we begin to wonder.

Anger is often present for me during this month, which is one of those months I wait to be done with. The cycle of holidays every year and all that comes with it brings a lot of ‘don’t want to be part of it’ feelings. It is quite uncomfortable with a bitter taste that needs to digest and integrate before a new something is seen and experienced. I guess what I refer to is some shadow elements of the psyche is brewing on the surface of my unconscious and, yes, I do recognise it. It needs expression, but also containment. It is angry, expressive, violence-like, impulsive. It needs attention and love, but it doesn’t mean it is a nice picture to look at. It is often not and it can be loud especially in dreams when I know how to parcify it during waking hours.

Very similar in nature if you notice in certain places, like the one I just came from, e.g. everything was grey and not just in a way of rainy skies, but the whole atmosphere was covered with colour grey, dull and feeling like it’s not enjoying it. I describe this energetically, but visually it looks like a wet, old rag, for example, that can do with a bit of whiteness injected or a dirty water that’s stagnated. It needs renewing, refreshing.

If I was to describe it as a feeling in the body that would be stress, exhaustion, sleep deprivation, ‘bags under eyes’ type of presentation. It is a sort of wanting to rest yet being restless as monsters are moving within in the dark, under the ground.

I know the ‘beast’ very well although I haven’t seen it or heard for sometime. With me the triggers are stress and being stretched or asked to do things I don’t want to do. These have been running for years. During this time I also pick it up from others easily and that overwhelms me a great deal. December is like the remains of something, like the last residue of some unpleasant drink or wet ashes post fire.

This year has all been about doing things differently and the above patterns have also run their course. Enough is enough I’d say. There’s got to be another way of expressing shadow material so that it doesn’t just have its needs’s met and go back into a state of being parcified, but it has a chance to transform into or balance with the opposing force. Something is needed immediately as these things arise. More transforming and less keeping in awareness I’d say. I will give it a go next.

Happy 2019! Let it offer more explorations and awareness. Further success and achievements, more joy and satisfaction.

Summer and patience

What is patience? It is allowing. When things are being as they are we stand in observance of what is. I find it deeply healing, humbling and liberating when there is no fight against what one thinks should be because there’s a discomfort present. Where there is no resistance a space opens up for observing what is being and living in that moment. Summer is a hot season, of course, it is, that’s the nature of things and when it is hot in summer things are aligning to the vibration of what summer means. It is not cold or raining all the time, although it is sometimes, it is simply being what it is.

I have experienced a high degree of tolerance towards summer this year. It happened due to conscious effort not wanting things to be something else and me desperately wanting to change it. That never works. This can be applied to so many aspects of growth and healing when we drop resistance and allow things into being there’s a release of freedom of attachment to what we think should be in order for us to be soothed. There’s a lot to be said for being uncomfortable, however if one fights it actively it will always persist and increase in its intensity.

I stood back or rather decided to travel alongside summer this year and observe everything there’s to witness about the season rather than shutting myself off from the experience and waiting for it to be over. Such a waste. By being present with summer I noticed how present I have been with everything else and everyone around me, every day, every week, every event and moment shared with those in my life. The value of everyday presence overtook my resistance and dislike of summer. I found I didn’t want to complain or participate in the fight within, which had previously been there always. Instead I lived each day and found a lot of positive aspects in the season.

I have been patient and allowing with myself and the summer to be what we are meant to be, living, moving, flowing and grateful for experiences granted.

It is not wanting to cut off a part of the whole, which can be applied to the seasonal wheel of the year, as well as parts of ourselves. We will always have preferences for certain seasons and aspects and ways of being and that is not to say that lessons and joy can’t be found in less preferable places, in fact, those aspects that we mostly resistant to carry some of the most vital and profound teachings.

Patience is a beautiful way of being in a state of non-judgement, slow flowing with energies just as they are and allowing expression of all that is necessary. It is acceptance and a silent stance of holding a space.

Comparing lands’ signatures and emotional healing

North Wales, Snowdonia. So peaceful here. The land lulls you gently into comfort and quiet, soothingly singing a gentle tune. The land’s signature is of a simple life, uncomplicated by any depth of emotion or tragedy, I feel. It is an old land with ancient roots, no doubt, steeped in tradition, but it feels like whatever conflict there might have been it is resolved and the land enjoys a life of simple pleasures. Spirit here is pure and gentle of a colour white. It is felt all around, but ever so slightly. It is in the background and not at all overwhelming. Mostly in the mountains and rocks one would meet the land’s spirits and they are all of a vibration of support and nurture. They continuously tell a story, always talking and if you sit quietly you can clearly hear a narration, which again, like a lullaby, sends you to a place of peace and comfort.

In contrast Scotland’s spirit is rich and troubled, one might say. It carries the land’s history through its glens, mountains and lakes and the strength and power of it can’t be denied. It is in your face penetrating through skin. I am deeply affected emotionally and get sensory overwhelm every time I am in the land. It taps into my shadow signature of violence, loss, grief and bloodshed. Even madness, I’d say, is present in the mixture of what is the land’s spiritual heritage. It stands proudly in its stunning beauty, very protective and wary of strangers. It is anything, but peaceful.

Perhaps, I sometimes reflect it is not a place I ought to be as I align with my past pain addiction when there. I get thirsty for the sensation of attachment to all that the land’s spirit represents. Over the years I certainly understood why I feel the way I do when I am there and why my spiritual awakening had to occur in Scotland. I remember it vividly when all my senses shut down and a strange mixture of deep grief and pure ecstasy entered my awareness all at the same time. I was then given a task to start working it all out and an incredible process of awakening began.

Amidst Snowdonian mountains and forests I feel good. I always had in a way I never do when in Scotland. That place is hard to describe even now, it simply goes beyond me. There I don’t feel safe necessarily, well, perhaps only when on an Isle away from the main land (recent discovery). I feel on guard and bereft but also so incredibly touched and moved in a way I can’t put into words. I feel like my heart breaks when I am there and when I am away from it, both. You can read my other posts about my feelings for the land and my difficulties staying away from it.

Perhaps, I thought this time round while in Snowdonia is that I am aligning more and more these days with the signature of light and peace without needing or wanting to be anywhere else emotionally or spiritually. Perhaps, my light is no longer in the shadow and I have found and settled into the oasis that I had always sought – inner peace.

I can see myself returning to Wales over and over again just to be what I am when I am there, living in the moment with no rush of any kind and a slower way of being in peace and tranquility.

Perhaps, Scotland will remain a mystery for a little while longer and the role of it in my life will become clearer as I continue my exploration and relationship with the land…

 

Wholeness work

I am passionate about embracing our whole being with all parts accepted, acknowledged and loved equally good or bad. My joy lies in seeing manifestations of all parts coming together in an individual and experiencing their journey with them towards light and full actualization when all parts of themselves are welcomed back into being.

We come into this world with a set of qualities unique to us. A set of qualities that are a mixed bag across the whole spectrum of light and dark, if you like. We possess qualities that are of back and while, grey, blue, green and deep yellow, e.g. some are bigger and stronger and some are more delicate and quiet. I like to think of qualities as being alive entities that seek acknowledgement and manifestation into life.

I like to use a symbolic image of a flower. We came here as a complete, unique flower with a potential to bloom fully as ourselves. However, conditioning of a family dynamics, society and environment around us get in a way and our flowers either do not get to grow as sunshine is either not present or blocked and we remain a closed bud, or we are only partially open through life. Even when we do get to ‘open’ in one way or another our flowers change shape, colours and fragrance even as we go through life and end up missing a few or all petals. Sometimes flowers get totally plucked out of the soil with its root or broken at its stem.

full flower

If we look at the flower as symbol of our true unique self in its full actualization and bloom (as above) it is glorious, isn’t it? How many can say they have either experienced or got close to a state of being fully open and shining into the world just like this perfect flower? Most of us can probably relate to missing a few petals, perhaps, as our qualities got ‘picked at’ and we were made to feel ashamed of some of the aspects of ourselves. Petals fall off into the ‘shadow’ of our being where they are unseen and rejected. Both good and bad petals can be ridden off. It can be angry feelings, loudness, show-off nature and performing disposition, your natural expression of joy that can be vibrant and seen as overbearing, pride in your own achievements without apology, outspoken nature or super sensitivity. Sounds familiar?

How does the flower survive? There are degrees depending on whether the flower is missing roots or it is broken at the base, whether it is misshapen and missing a few petals or it only contains a centre part with all the other parts missing. The work will depend on where we start with that image of you at the time. What does your flower look like?

As we begin to outline our road ahead and get in touch with the essence of your flower we begin the process of ‘replanting’ your true essence and get you back into the shape, colour, fragrance that you were always meant to be.

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Commitment to happiness, commitment to self

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What committing to happiness really means is committing to yourself first and foremost, as the light within you is ever lasting and present to illuminate any experience that you might be having at any given moment. This is not to say that we must by-pass the darkness when our light is dimmed, it is more of holding that faith in your own light and its constant existence however overshadowed or hidden it might appear.

Committing to yourself is a path of joy, passion and purpose. The process covers healing and growth on all levels – mind, body, emotion and spirit. It is a holistic approach of looking at your overall vibration, qualities, inclinations, needs, preferences and ways of being, as well as unconscious scripts that play out in your life, unmet needs, difficulties connecting to yourself and others, unprocessed grief and pain and memories forgotten, as well as, intergenerational material.

Through creative imagination and dream work I recently came to an insight of my over identification with pain and became curious about the idea of deciding to be happy. What did that mean for me? It, firstly, meant I had to become aware of patterns in my life and scripts that I had lived by, then begin to look in every corner of where these things that prevented me from being happy got stored which included my body, my mental processes, emotional energies in the body and my connection to spirit. I instantly felt that my alignment with spirit is going to help me immensely in the process of ‘committing to happiness’, as it will inevitably lead me to my soul self, that initial light that I was born with.

I urge everyone to ask a question what does happiness mean to them and what does it look like? Explore your attitude to yourself first and foremost, what parts of yourself you like and what you don’t like and why. Be prepared to lay bare all of your ways in an authentic and fully accepting manner. It is the only way, as the flower must open to be able to see the sun. Also address your external environment and ask yourself questions about whether you are happy living where you are and how you can improve on that to assist in cultivating more joy.

When one decides to commit to joy, pleasure and happiness it must start with yourself, a commitment to yourself, which we often refer to as self-love.

Much love

 

My Light is in the Shadow

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This weekend unveiled one of the most profound and life-changing insights I have ever had. It came through a dream, which carried such a wonderful feeling of pure joy, pleasure and happiness.

I walked through an opening between two identical buildings. One I identified with light and another with darkness. I turned left, to the darker side and that is where I found myself walking through thick, virgin, lush snow. It sparkled in the moonlight, as I picked it up with my hands and threw it in the air again and again smiling genuine joy and pleasure. I played and played in the whiteness of the snow experiencing the loveliest feeling of pure content and joy in the centre of my being.

We often associate Shadow with negative material we suppressed and rejected, aspects of ourselves that cause us pain and are hard for us to face. We send it away to the darkest corners of our psyche and leave it there unable to revisit and unprepared to deal with it. Overtime materials that are contained within that place increase and often become a burden and directly affect our lives without us realising, so to speak, as it is unconscious most of the time. We see all of that as negative, however, what about sending positive aspects ourselves into the shadow? This is what my dream is about. My LIGHT is in the shadow. I banished my joy, playfulness, purity and happiness into unconscious dark part of myself due to those parts of myself considered unacceptable and bad. For example, let’s take sensitivity and innocence, which are beautiful qualities in a child, however, when you are repeatedly told not to be so soft, sensitive and given a lot of responsibility at a very early age, a child takes it upon themselves having to change, adopt and introject the message of ‘sensitive and innocent is NOT good’. This is just one example where positive qualities are turned into negative and banished into unconscious shadow.

In my case it transpired that I had taken upon myself to live in pain constantly to the point where pain became a way of being and tasting almost sweet that how familiar it became. I always found hard to connect to what joy and pleasure feels like, however, pain I knew very well throughout my life and related to it as the old friend that accompanied my on a life journey. I developed fascinations with the hardest degree of suffering, e.g. mental health and bereavement, the darkest corners of human emotion. I understood it deeply to a point of over identifying with it I saw no light in the world. Where did the light go? In my SHADOW…

Very polarised and split one would agree, so how one restores balance between the two.

The insight is the first step where unconscious becomes conscious and one realises this dynamic can and, in many cases, should be changed if one is to live a more vibrant and conscious life. At that point it is also important to take your power back and welcome all the unique and positive qualities into your life paying attention to each and every one, excavating your soul, so to speak, or parts of it with an aim to integrate back into the whole. In this case I am focusing on that innocence and joy of a young child, which was squashed and tainted way too early. I am spending time with that being playing in the snow without a care in the world full of pure joy and freedom of expression. As I write I can feel the satisfaction of that state sipping through back into my being. It is unfamiliar and I am apprehensive and the point is to familiarise myself with that part, which had long been forgotten.

Having said then when my spiritual awakening happened I remember experiencing the feeling of pure love that would bring tears to my eyes. I would hold my breath in disbelief that such a feeling is possible on outside let alone within me. That is connection to spirit of all things. I have experienced that again and again since the beginning of my awakening process and today have an easy access to that space of wonder, glory, unconditional love, immensely vibrant inner power and joy. I can only describe it as being drunk and floating through a space where everything is possible. It is like a veil, which is above everything else and it is bigger than anything else. In that space everything else falls away and there is a sense of expansion and awe, which is limitless. I follow my path of nature based spirituality because the SPIRIT is in NATURE for me. Nature was and remains the catalyst for my reconnection to spirit and awakening of universal consciousness. In nature I feel the balance between light and dark, I have access to both. It is the only place where I feel I belong, I experience my own power and I am familiar with all aspects of myself as a whole. There are no splits or polarities, it is all accepting. It is a place where I experience the biggest joy and wonder as well as deeply understand and see dark places, I understand the contrast and the purpose of it all is crystal clear to me. I feel whole in nature, there is no separation or rejection of anything. Both, shadow and light exist in perfect harmony.

To have received such an insight that ‘the LIGHT is in the shadow’ and has been for many years feels immensely important for the next stage of my evolution for the good of myself and the universal consciousness on the whole. My work continues and the time of this transition is just perfect.

The image to come with this insight is the white bird with black wings.

Let your pain be the wings that carry you towards the light!

I wish you all blessed transformations and a joy of knowing you are powerful beings!

Much love

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