The winter of love

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The next couple of posts are significant in recording my journey towards ‘home’, myself and wholeness this year. It was crystal clear towards the end of 2017 that 2018 was to be the year of doing things completely differently, stepping out of life as we know it, as we created it, looking outside the box and leaving your comfort zone. It makes me realise now how important it is to align with the yearly signatures, as when in the same flow and not resisting, avoiding or going against, it aids our progression. Often all that is needed is readiness to listen, to change and embrace all the qualities within us as facilitators on our journey. As Alfred Adler said that it is not about surrendering to your safety zone supported by safe guiding behaviours, i.e. not believing that you can change and keeping yourself blocked indefinitely using the same ways of being over and over, “withdrawing from the challenge of life”. It is about facing life head on, adopting a more courageous approach. We are capable of courageous behaviour provided we are willing to engage in it. This resonates with the process of psychotherapy, which is a journey one undertakes towards adopting and cultivating a more courageous, engaging approach to life, working towards changes that are needed for a more fulfilling life. Over and over I have witnessed clients stepping courageously into areas of great difficulty and facing life head on. It makes my job a very rewarding and humbling experience to bear witness to human resilience and strength of spirit.

So, 2018 is such year when the space is open for us to step into with an open heart and an attitude of something different. I have found this process extremely revealing about the potential within and one that puts you in touch with the whole of your personality. All that is needed is openness and willingness to engage.

My 2018 winter has been profoundly peaceful, calm and gentle time. For the first time in years it was very different. Usually it is a Fire element space for me when I am dynamic, energetic and very productive, a time I engage with various projects and manifest a lot. Not this year. I counsciously decided to stay ‘still’. It almost effortlessly unfolded into a process of me connecting to my heart centre and sides of myself I had not experienced for as long as I remember. I have not felt my own niceness or softness, e.g. for such a long time I forgot, therefore this feeling was new, different yet also imbedded in the knowledge that it was there all along within me. The book that I spent reading throughout winter sang to my heart gently and with each page I felt my being becoming lighter, more open, and softer and engaged with LOVE.

Freeing the Heart (2001) 

After seven years of painstakingly difficult process of opening my heart I felt I was finally there and I still am today. Throughout my life I went through experiencing transcendent love towards another, which stood the test of time. I also visited places completely devoid of love. I spent frequent days of terror not knowing if I was ever to come back from that place where love didn’t exist. Again and again I felt love abandoning me and literary forgetting what that was and feeling nothing for anyone for periods of time. I can truly say that was always one of the scariest experiences in my life, you see, I never knew if love would come back and that felt terrifying. My heart disappeared. Images that I went through in my journey was heart in a cage, bleeding, having a huge piece of glass wedged into it, shrunk heart, a stone and many more. You can read other posts on my blog about my work with connecting with the heart.

This winter I fell in love with my husband and my son all over again in a way I hadn’t felt before. There was deep sense of acceptance and compassion. It was a place where conditions didn’t exist and all I had was a beautiful flow of being present with love minute after minute, day after day. The world around me appeared the same yet my heart was lighter witnessing things much slower, which previously would have thrown me into places uninviting. Most of all I started to ‘fall in love’ with myself, more precisely becoming aware of my essential qualities, my ability to love, give and participate in life in a way that flows not blocks or rejects. It is difficult to put into words and I can only say that this was profound, new, transformative and beautiful. It was as if I was transforming, but actually I was merging back into the self I always was and meant to be.

I noticed how my mind calmed and as it did my heart began to grow open and it no longer felt scary or unsafe. It felt like I was home. In terms of the elements I would connect it to Water element most of all and this winter it was all about water element in its purest form. My opening of the heart was steady, slow, gentle like a bubbling brook in a forest or a small river gently flowing through land. It was not a forceful roar of the ocean or crashing waves of the sea. This makes sense to me. Water has been my shadow element for as long as I remember. It is also my birth element. Aligning and merging with my own Water element made the process of coming home even sweeter.

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Disconnect to reconnect

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Points of discord or disconnection in a relationship can be seen as opportunities to re-evaluate not only what the relationship means to you but also look at your role within that dynamic and whether what’s required, expected, etc. aligns with your deeper soul space. What does it mean? What happens to you when the other pulls away or pushes you away and vice versa.

It is vital to look at yourself as you are outside of your relationship and without the other. Even though we make commitment to a common experience we are still individuals with our own purpose and direction and if a discord points towards your neglect of self then it is time you stopped and gave yourself a hug or had a word with yourself. In any case what is the lesson that a situation shows you?

We often face a battle in a relationships between external and internal. External being all the cultural, historical, familial, religious conditions and expectations, e.g. An idea of a woman self-sacrificing for the sake of her man and kids and the whole family. Internal being is our inner most deep desires and aspirations. Our soul’s calling, e.g. Travelling the world, working in the wild saving animals or volunteering in a remote area somewhere being of service, etc.

We are often torn (I am talking about women here specifically) between two worlds and it is vital to become conscious of dynamics that create that struggle in a relationship. Brutal honesty is needed with ourselves and others and that would be the first step I would say after becoming aware of the rift within you. That place of confronting the ‘norm’ is scary, daring and feels like one would be criticised and banished. Here we learn how to stand in our own truth and what often happens, not always, that opening of our own concerns and inner cries invites an opening in others. It is quite profound how we all fall into a trap of being what’s expected and ignoring what’s burning within us deep down. We essentially ignore our voice and abandon ourselves. Tragic if you think about it. Breaking patterns of expectations is incredibly difficult. It is what I would call a radical change and that feels and looks impossible to so many. It is hard especially at mid-point of your life when many say, oh it’s too late, etc.
it is never too late to pick yourself up in a hug of acceptance and understanding even when you are the only one acknowledging it.

Tares in a relationship offer an opportunity for us to step back, to withdraw instead of trying make things better, smooth things over and/or rescue the other despite of your own pain. It is brave to step back and say ‘this is not serving me’, a certain behaviour it an attitude is no longer acceptable and often it would be the same pattern repeating against and again and the thing with patterns they can be broken. Will the other hear you? That’s another thing. When you find that voice within to express your non-compliance to the way things have always been what response do you get? One of denial and criticism or one when you are truly heard and supported. Either is a possibility but with that expression and standing up for your inner deep callings of the soul shifts are possible with or without a relationship.

We disconnect to reconnect potentially either to the other in a different way or to ourselves in a deeper way. Nature demonstrates this dynamic very well. Many of us are disconnected from nature externally and internally and nature is often seen as something scary and wild, something one can’t control. It is scary because nature is a catalyst for change and a mirror into our own worlds. It will reflect all that we seek to hide. It activates our senses in a way that we can’t avoid seeing and hearing ourselves. It wakes us up into awareness of the bigger picture outside of our everyday interactions, rules, jobs, the ‘norm’. Stepping outside of that is scary for many. When we disconnect from nature we disconnect from ourselves.

I often exercise going into nature when I am in a dark place. Yes, it takes some internal struggle to step into nature consciously when in that space, but it always feels necessary. I seek connection to myself when there is a struggle on the external level. Lessons are huge and very difficult material is often present, but one thing is for sure there is no other way. It is going through something and not around it that ultimately changes us and the way we relate to others and ourselves.

So if you are currently disconnected, seek to connect in a different, more conscious way and include yourself in that.

New Moon revisited

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I just read an old post of mine about upgrades I received a while back about love during Dark Moon period. POST HERE 

During that time the information I received was to cultivate the love within, make it grow regardless on whether I am in a relationship or not. My awareness of inner power and the vibration of unconditional love within became strong and clear. What I also felt, however, and yes, this is the tinge of darker shade I imagine needed to be added, was my lack of need for a partner. I feel that was thrown in there to see if I get confused, by-pass a few things and really get the message. Reading it back my perception of what the message really was changed. It was wonderful to have received the insight and a real felt sense of the love within me. I connected to myself on a different level during that time and it has stayed with me, but what was the other side of it? Did I really need to abandon all my relationships purely because I felt I didn’t need that for as long as I love myself? Do you see a slight distortion in the message that I perceived to be that way. It is a bit of riddle, which in this post I attempt to unravel.

With some time passed and a few view on that particular time and insight I can see the mixture of vibrations woven into what I was experiencing. It was yet another test, firstly, on whether I would be able to really connect to myself and sustain that vibration of self-love on a continuous basis. The second part was to challenge me to stop and think deeper into what was actually best for me and how that newly found inner love could serve me AND the other rather than ‘I don’t need the other, I am complete as I am’. Over some time what occurred in my life with regards to my life partner has actually been a deepening of our connection and love rather than abolition of all connection. What I feel now is not only love within, but deep wisdom of the Earthly love and what that means to be a partner, a wife, a life companion. It feels deeply grounded, safe and soul soothing. One might say my initial insight had taken me on a journey towards further discovering of how my inner love manifested out there in my relationships and through deepening connecting rather than letting go off it, my inner love grew and my wisdom became a guiding voice here on Earth. One might say the Spirit vibration got manifested in real terms in this dimension, which is the ultimate goal of spirituality and a struggle for so many.

The lesson of this is not to see things as they appear on the surface, but allow for it to develop, look deeper, give it time to really make sense in your body and in your current reality. There is often more to a message than meets the eye and we are often to quick to make a judgement and a decision, which sometimes is nothing more than an unconscious attempt to run away from something, a resistance to something.

Happy New Moon and cultivating new seeds of love and wisdom!

 

The quality of ‘wholesome’

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‘Wholesome’ is a quality I associate with home, log fires, animals, living off the land, roots, families, simple life, good food and lots of laughter. I feel comfortable around people who possess that quality and who feel like ‘home’. They are calm, kind, full of humour and warmth. It is interesting to see how what you seek in life when you meet it in others you are instantly drawn to it. Someone once said to me while we had been discussing a relationship problem ‘how do they make you feel when you are around them?’ That was a revelation to me, as I never considered looking at it that way. I never actually considered my own feelings and what was best for me.  And now years later I go with my feelings and intuition always whether it is people, food, job or any choice or decision I have to make. This is non-negotiable to me and it has firmly become a way of life for me. I go with that ‘wholesome’ vibration and ask myself ‘is this going to be good for me?’ ‘how does this person make me feel when I am with them?

I have encountered wholesome people in my life in recent years more, as I resonate with their values and they make me feel at home with myself and the world. I want to be one of them and I feel I am able to be more and more. Yesterday the whole day was transformed for me after coming into contact with wonderful friends, who are just that type of wholesome people. They invite you with warm smile and welcome into their home, make you a hot drink and then tell you something funny, a joke or a silly story. They share something interesting they did with the children or while in the garden. It warms me all over and I realise that this is what I have been seeking all my life, that connection of acceptance and absence of conditions on how to be, what to say, what to do. I am allowed to simply be myself and drink that comfort in knowing people around me are genuine with heart-felt intentions. Here nothing is too serious and nothing that can’t be talked about openly.

In the last few days I have definitely felt a sense of belonging and knowing that I am exactly where I am meant to be. What a wonderful feeling and a new one for me. I have had glimpses of it with my home and my boys yet I have always resisted it and even fought against it unconsciously pushing it away, which resonated with my learnt script of ‘not meant to be happy and joy is NOT good’. (my joy is in the shadow post). Having done a lot of work and come to deep insights about various things I begin to see everything shifting in a direction that I love. This feeling reflects that sweet warmth within that says that I have everything I need and want. I am completely content with myself and the world. This is what I want and what I have been aiming towards. The feeling of home and peace in my soul, my most hungered for vibration for most of my life.

I love where I am, who I am surrounded with and I am beginning to love myself, possibly for the first time in my life.

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Commitment to happiness, commitment to self

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What committing to happiness really means is committing to yourself first and foremost, as the light within you is ever lasting and present to illuminate any experience that you might be having at any given moment. This is not to say that we must by-pass the darkness when our light is dimmed, it is more of holding that faith in your own light and its constant existence however overshadowed or hidden it might appear.

Committing to yourself is a path of joy, passion and purpose. The process covers healing and growth on all levels – mind, body, emotion and spirit. It is a holistic approach of looking at your overall vibration, qualities, inclinations, needs, preferences and ways of being, as well as unconscious scripts that play out in your life, unmet needs, difficulties connecting to yourself and others, unprocessed grief and pain and memories forgotten, as well as, intergenerational material.

Through creative imagination and dream work I recently came to an insight of my over identification with pain and became curious about the idea of deciding to be happy. What did that mean for me? It, firstly, meant I had to become aware of patterns in my life and scripts that I had lived by, then begin to look in every corner of where these things that prevented me from being happy got stored which included my body, my mental processes, emotional energies in the body and my connection to spirit. I instantly felt that my alignment with spirit is going to help me immensely in the process of ‘committing to happiness’, as it will inevitably lead me to my soul self, that initial light that I was born with.

I urge everyone to ask a question what does happiness mean to them and what does it look like? Explore your attitude to yourself first and foremost, what parts of yourself you like and what you don’t like and why. Be prepared to lay bare all of your ways in an authentic and fully accepting manner. It is the only way, as the flower must open to be able to see the sun. Also address your external environment and ask yourself questions about whether you are happy living where you are and how you can improve on that to assist in cultivating more joy.

When one decides to commit to joy, pleasure and happiness it must start with yourself, a commitment to yourself, which we often refer to as self-love.

Much love

 

Detachment 

  
Let’s talk about detachment – a process of letting go off something or someone you previously imagined simply impossible to let go off for the fear of disappearing into oblivion. Possession and control are not heart centred, it is fear driven and fed by insecurity of being. In order to understand detachment and experience it successfully in a way beneficial to all one must look within and allow for the process of healing, integration and transformation to occur. For some it happens fast for others it takes a life time. 

Open up your awareness to a possibility of freedom like you never felt before… Where are you in the process towards letting go off attachment which has a hold on you and threatens to leave you barren should everything fall away. This applies to physical possessions, jobs, people, ideas, beliefs. 

Love is all expansive. It is free in its core, free giving and free receiving. It is a flowing river of exchange between souls. When love becomes hooked on conditions and attachments it loses its shine. It solidifies into matter that is no longer flexible. It becomes an illusion of what we believe it should be. Detachment requires no sacrifices when one feels whole within. Instead it feels like a breath ever sustaining and nourishing and no matter what happens one has this secure inner knowing that all will be ok, you will be ok. You have you, you have the love of the universe flowing through you always and forever… 

Planting a Love seed at New moon – new paradigm

love spell

New or Dark Moon is my favourite moon phase. During this time I always experience inner power, grace, quietness and softness the MOST. I often go through a period of sadness and reflection, which feels quite nice and somewhat necessary. It is a period I would describe as ‘licking my wounds’ while hibernating in the darkness of my soul with my inner light being present at the same time, very touching, awe-inspiring light. It is such an interesting energetic period for me that I find it is always productive in a way of new insights and processing of the old.

What is around me at present is the idea and my new understanding of love especially in relation to a male partner or a companion. There is a mixture of romance and also rejection of a partner for it is no longer needed I feel. It is a big shift in consciousness where I feel not only free and powerful in my own right, but I feel being with another, particularly who is not ready or on the same plane as you currently, will impair your development and growth and will slow down and dim your awesomeness, so to speak. It is sad times, as I process and release old conditions and ideas. It also feels liberating. I am not quite sure how this is all going to plan out, but to have received a completely new message about love, romance and partnership is for sure shaking things up deep within me and who knows where it will go. I am open to all that is meant to come through and prepared to receive the wisdom.

What is also coming through, as I literally feel my magic tingling in my fingertips is a need for a ritual and a spell and there is no better time, as now, New moon. With my redefined yet not crystal clear idea of love I am going to whip up some magic into whatever it will shape up to be. I feel it is needed in order to plant and ground that seed of love that I am creating. Something that will serve my highest purpose and also help others around me as a result whether we will receive clarity, resolution, a new surge of passion or a general relationship upgrade or nothing. Whatever it might be I am ready.

Redefined idea of love for me right now is coming through as – Love begins with yourself, it is a force that is very strong, it is a sensation you can taste in your mouth and feel running in your veins. You know this love, you had long felt it, got burnt by it, cried many tears over it as a result and you still in awe of the feeling of that love and connection. The kind of love you dedicate your life to. This is what you hold within no matter how it ended, wounded you or died all together in real life. It IS within you. You remember and know what it felt like as if it was yesterday. I am feeling it right now and can very easily recall it. Well, that feeling is in alignment with the source consciousness and love. The universe loves you and you love the universe. There is an exchange of love wisdom and immense power. It starts from you and when and if you choose to be with someone else and fall in love or decide to manifest that inner feeling of love outwardly on Earth, that is how you are going to express it, through expressing and sharing it with someone else. This is rare, I must say, in this earthly reality, at least I believe it at this point, but it is not impossible. Many chase this transaction and see it as only a dream and come up against obstacles again and again. On some level I can understand how this only looks like a dream when out of consciousness and direct experience. Many give up, but many don’t and continue to carry that belief that somewhere somehow the universe will send that one true love to them in order for them to express the love they hold within. It is a beautiful idea, but on the other hand, there is also no need for that other when you already hold the feeling within you and you know it and you are immersed in it and can be in it at any moment you want. Then there is no need for another, not really. You are powerful and in love with yourself and the universe and the idea of external love becomes extinct. THIS IS the new idea, an upgraded version of love…

My New Moon ritual will serve a purpose of, on one hand, evoking a response from the universe of what is coming up and what needs to be worked towards in a way of love/romance/relationship, and, on the other hand, to plant that seed of love actively with intention of, perhaps, reignite that feeling within even stronger so it gets magnified towards the Full Moon. It is sort of an experiment to see what grows out of the New Moon magic. I don’t even know what exactly I will be doing, as all my magic work is purely intuitive, but I am called and pulled very strongly to sit with all the insights and feelings that are being transmitted through me.

Why not do something awesome this New Moon yourself? Whatever you are going through why not sit with it and plant a seed of love or whatever it is you are experiencing right now or need answers to and see what grows.

Blessings!

 photo credit: http://shop.creepyhollows.com/