I love it so much it hurts. The land welcomes me this time with open arms and I feel nothing but warmth and nurture. I feel at home and I instantly recognise that familiar smell of the land, which I know well. It is raining and I am in my element of gentle water standing on a lake shore watching gentle giants mountains hugging the shore. I touch the water, it is clear and crispy cold and through my body pure joy spreads. It is a dance of recognition, which I feel a lot stronger this time round. While my husband looks nostalgic for hot weather and home, I am home. I tell him that most of my happiest memories took place either in rain or snow and I acknowledge that link and it makes sense.
Isle of Mull – lush and green with landscape showing off its mountains, valleys, lochs, forests and sea. It is such a mixture of the elements that makes it so rich. It is incredibly peaceful here like nowhere else I had felt in Scotland so far; well, perhaps, only the first time in Perthshire where my love for the land first stuck me. We are staying in the middle of nowhere and it feels so safe to me here. It feels like no one and nothing would find me here and if I was to stay I would be happy for the rest of my days. My heart begins to ache along with joy I cry inside for wanting to merge with the land forever. It hurts in my chest and with each breath I can’t seem to get enough. That feeling of safety is a new one, as previously while in Scotland I have always felt conflicted and often anxious, even scared. Not this time. Here I have come into myself somehow and the land here is so gentle in comparison with Northern Highlands or the Isle of Skye, e.g. Those places activated my shadow material and threw me into an emotional turmoil amidst some deeply spiritual experiences. The land there is fierce, wild, unforgiving and untouchable in its stunning beauty. It is majestic and independent. Here I am held, firmly and I can hear the land speaking to me. It is gentle and soothing. Vibration is of softness and it touches on places within me much lighter and happier. This reflects in our relational dynamics between the boys and me. Our trip was very different this time round like we all tapped into a gentler way of being with one another, there is less conflict and more recognition and acknowledgment of needs all around.
Standing in the garden I witness deer coming in closer grazing on lush green vegetation surrounding the house. It is a beautiful sight and they stop and stare at me in silent pause. God it is so peaceful here! Even deer is different here compared to imposing huge stags of the Highlands. These deer are gentler and smaller and devoid of antler crowns. My response to them is also strikingly different, less of knee shaking awe and worship-like way of witnessing them, it is quieter, softer and more ‘homely’ somewhat. As I lie in bed looking out of the window with views to die for I feel my heart beating with such love. It is intense and aching, as I already know how hard it will be leaving this land in a few days.
The land is calling, but this time the call comes from a specific place. It is heard from the Isle of Skye. My soul is picking up on the spaciousness of the land, strong wind bound in its roar crashing against the rocks watching over rough waters. The voice is beautiful, it is mixture of a whistle, whining and deep bass notes. It has a voice or rather vibration boom boom like a beating heart that reaches my awareness and pulls at my soul’s veil asking to join it in its half melody, half drumming. It is intoxicating.
It is soothing to me to know it is there, it exists and its heart is beating in unison with my own. Loving from a distance is familiar to me. Being separated by space, but nothing else is also known. I have loved from a distance many times over, with all my being, bones, cells, toes, hairs on my arms and senses. The love so big I was breathing for one reason only to keep it alive. That’s where grief also comes in when a love so strong continues to live within me after many years of eternal separation. I feel this is what I experience whenever I am away from the land. Love and deep sorrow of separation are in embrace. Time there though there is a knowing that I can answer the call and I can merge with the land, as it is there, calling, wailing in its windy voice and splashing waves onto my naked feet. I can smell heather, it is warm to the touch. It get tangled in my hair as I lay my head against the moisture of the earth. It is easy for me to become each and everything that land is – rocks, mountains, grass, animals, clouds, the sun and the moon. Words are simply not enough to describe the connection in the soul. It just is so…
My first experience on the island POST
You touch my senses as I sit in solitude in the forest
Water takes me straight to the expansive lochs of your bosom
You contain and penetrate the essence of me
I weep, I run, I stop, I listen to the call that links my soul to thee
My breathing holds its flow as I hear your name and suddenly I am transformed into the old Cailleagh walking the hills and mountains with deer by my side
The smell of pit, bog, pine and vibrant heather feels like blood in my veins, warm and homely
The air in you is essential to my survival
My feet are deeply rooted in your landscape and my heart beats with every changing season. I wish to walk it till the end of time, till it’s my time to have my bones scattered amidst your beauty
My spiritual home gifted me with a few lessons of practical, personal, Earthly type of nature. My trip this year was a learning experience more than my usual spiritual one, but, oh so needed and so useful.
We don’t always get what we want but we sure get what we need. This has been true for me again.
Feeling grateful and humbled.
Enjoy the pictures. Places featured
Northern Scotland beaches
Ben Nevis, near Fort William
Lake Laggan and others (Mornach of the Glen film estate)
This year has been rich in wonderful experiences, feeling an array of emotions, building and strengthening relationships and doing a lot of hard work psychologically, mentally and physically. I am grateful for every single day, very single experience the year brought me. I am grateful for the light growing stronger within me and for my integration and understanding of myself taking a new level.
I have seen, heard, felt and experienced things old and new, mysterious, majestic and glorious, soul ripping and damn painful. My spiritual inner compass settled nicely on my sharp awareness and deep knowing of what this is all about.
Here are some images I took and would like to share with you that showcase my experiences this year.
Much love & Blessings for the New Year!
and many more on raw food, Avebury circle, Totem animal deer, studying, cats, preserving, majesty of the forest, into the woods and fruits of the Earth
My heart can not hold itself in my chest when it tumbles with such ache and yearning for the wild place my soul calls home.
I can’t breathe, I can’t see clearly, the spirit wants to rip my chest open with a scream of joy and deep deep missing for the place.
Rugged, wild, untouched, unspoilt, pure, magical and stunningly beautiful like nowhere on Earth. There are not enough adjectives to describe what my soul is experiencing when I think of my wild place. I dream of it, I crave it, I cry hard every time I think of it. Tears are of the distance, separation and also joy of knowing it, feeling it deeply in every cell of my physical body as well as being the main accord of every emotion within my emotional body. I hope and wait for a reunion every year.
It is a place I want to live and die in. I want to climb the rocks, wonder through moors, luxuriate in the greenest grassy beds aromatic with heather and buttercups and swim in the land’s lochs pure, deep, cooling and renewing to my cells.
I dream the dream in the hope that one day my soul will reunite with the land it calls home.