Memories in the snow

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I woke up from a dream of being back in my Siberian land. Dreams that take me there are always set in winter. Most of my childhood and youth’s significant events happened in winter and amidst snow and remain the most memorable to this day. Sledging with friends in freezing temperatures when we couldn’t feel our faces, hands and feet, yet incredibly happy and full of joys of childhood. My first kiss, awkward, yet warm and sweet. The day I let him go also took place in the middle of winter with me crying in the bright light of street lamps and snow sparkling all around us. I remember my blue mascara running down my cheek as if it was yesterday and the smell of his winter coat as he pulled me close to his chest. I remember his heart beat as we said good-bye.

I recall ice-skating with my father and falling into the deep snow, up to my waist, in the wilderness forest. We laughed a lot. Another kiss takes me back to a sacred place where memories stand still and not just my own, but for the whole nation. Wearing white hat and mittens in a cream coloured coat I was deeply in love.

As I walked to the window this morning I was greeted with a snow-covered garden and land beyond. Beautiful. It continued to snow all morning and I decided to go into the forest for some nature and elements communion. I always feel it is such a raw, spiritual and necessary experience to immerse yourself in the elements be it rain, snow, sunshine or wind. Each element awakens something within, touches upon places that need to be visited to remind us of what is essential and where we are in life. Crunchy under my feet I found snow and pure white landscape stretching ahead taking me further into my memories and on a journey of seeing and feeling things I hold dear to my heart. Memories flooded in like a bitter-sweet river and looking around me I smiled also feeling a smidge of sadness in my heart. He is long gone, but what he left is a place within me that is unconditional love and to this day I carry it inside and always will. Forest was noisy with splats and swooshing sounds of snow falling off branches. Many trees were bent down under the snow weight touching the ground. I stopped and breathed it all in. I miss him still and I remember everything like it was yesterday. Sadness filled my heart, but it is no longer grief or longing, it is settled and contained, warm and alive. It is love, forever.

Healing Earth

Today I took my sobbing heart to dig some earth
With each forward motion I felt my pain release into her rich and warm body
I played and felt and digged and squashed the black softness of her flesh in my hands
I caught myself smiling as I lifted some carrots off the earth bed and like orange lanterns they shone bright straight into my heart
The smell of nourishment entered my senses
I bowed all the way touching her in gratitude to the release of pain
As I was leaving my heart weighed less with sorrow and more with content

The opposite effect of nature

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When you seek solitude, peace and comfort in nature and pulled into its surroundings sometimes it might feel rejecting, uncomfortable and not what one would expect. It is easy to project our own dissatisfaction with experience onto trees, weather, ground and woods’ inhabitants even, such as insects or birds. We project even then just like one would do with people and relationships as when something feels uncomfortable it is often natural to direct it into something or someone else. This is an unconscious but a common reaction. However, when we stop and look at what is happening we will see that what is needed is simply staying with emotion in any given moment without throwing it at what is nearest to us. This can happen in nature this process of blaming and dissatisfaction and when this occurs it is a sign there is resistance to being with ourselves. What is it within us that we are afraid to look at? What is it we look to nature to soothe within us? Nature is there to reflect back to us what needs attention. It is there to heal, but also if anything feels particularly yukky it will focus your attention on that very thing and it will manifest in either your projecting out or quickly running back home.

Instead of seeking to escape and hiding I would invite you to stay with it, observe what happens to you in the moment of friction between something within you and something on outside. Observe, feel deep into it and sit with it for as long as needed. Nature will certainly facilitate that process for us with love and attention, with its holding energy of the Earth. Allow it, bleed it out and what better place to do it than amongst trees, birds’ song and stillness of the forest.

Discovering your purpose in Nature, communicating with trees and the Elements

planes of consciousness

I am feeling dizzy and sensing being called into the woods. I am also drawn to reading some spiritual text, particularly on planes of consciousness. I just read the latest blog from Teal Swan and I cried. You can read it HERE. It touched me, as her writing is very similar to mine, I find, and the way she describes her experiences in different places resonate with how I experience places. Here are my blog posts on places I visited and spiritual experiences. (Isle of Skye and Snowdonia, Wales). Teal has such a ‘flow’ throughout, the flow that I am attracted to strongly. So, I am going to the woods, to commune with the trees and join in embrace. I feel dizzy, ‘spaced out’ feeling and what I feel is there is a reason and purpose to the feeling, it is not just feeling dizzy. Something is trying to put me to sleep almost it feels, there is veil just above my brow, which is hanging a bit too heavy.

Message from the woods

I left the house with a clear quartz in one pocket and my phone in another to be used as a camera, as I never know what I may encounter on my narrative walks. I call them ‘narratives’, as there is always a story, a message, a purpose that comes to me when I am out in my woods and often I write afterwards. Today is such a day.

I still feel dizzy and as I approach the woods I inhale deeply and oh, it is so good to be out. This morning I pulled a card, which said – go outside… Here I am walking towards my usual entrance point, but what I find is a blockage, you can see on the picture.

blocked entrance

I am immediately diverted from entering the woods my usual way and I continue forward. The next entrance I encounter is a clear opening into something I am about to find out. It is a gateway.

I turn right instinctively and from that point decide consciously I am going to walk wherever the sense takes me. I walk through the thick greenness of the woods, it is peaceful and so fresh here. I come to a clearing, which looks unusual and I know this is where that something is, yet I am not ready, I continue walking intuitively and see my guardian tree at a distance. I thought about ‘him’ recently when finding myself struggling with lack of ‘male’ energy within, lack of Fire. I remember turning right a minute ago and it makes sense again, as not only the right side represents expressive nature of the male, but I was also meant to see ‘him’. That tree is a representative of a male parent to me, it is old and wise, holding and understanding. One glimpse of ‘him’ and I know what he is saying. He affirms my energy available to me whenever I need to tap into it. I bow with thanks and turn back into the woods. Read More