I am home

The wilderness possesses me with its air as fresh and sharp as a blade of grass

My senses entwine with the spirit it holds

Precious, powerful, ancient

I walk the place feeling the roots grabbing at my feet

I need it, oh how I need it

Take me whole, I say,

Swaddle me in mystery and myth so I can become the voice as ancient as eternity

Wilderness feeds me with its elements as vibrant and penetrating as a gaze of a loved one

I surrender to the glory of all it is and become myself at once as a native animal at a distance and wild flowers all around

The wind slaps me in the face and I welcome its magic of removing webs of my unseeing

Immersion in the body of its water engulfs me as the loving and nurturing mother

I am home, fed, alive like never before

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Comparing lands’ signatures and emotional healing

North Wales, Snowdonia. So peaceful here. The land lulls you gently into comfort and quiet, soothingly singing a gentle tune. The land’s signature is of a simple life, uncomplicated by any depth of emotion or tragedy, I feel. It is an old land with ancient roots, no doubt, steeped in tradition, but it feels like whatever conflict there might have been it is resolved and the land enjoys a life of simple pleasures. Spirit here is pure and gentle of a colour white. It is felt all around, but ever so slightly. It is in the background and not at all overwhelming. Mostly in the mountains and rocks one would meet the land’s spirits and they are all of a vibration of support and nurture. They continuously tell a story, always talking and if you sit quietly you can clearly hear a narration, which again, like a lullaby, sends you to a place of peace and comfort.

In contrast Scotland’s spirit is rich and troubled, one might say. It carries the land’s history through its glens, mountains and lakes and the strength and power of it can’t be denied. It is in your face penetrating through skin. I am deeply affected emotionally and get sensory overwhelm every time I am in the land. It taps into my shadow signature of violence, loss, grief and bloodshed. Even madness, I’d say, is present in the mixture of what is the land’s spiritual heritage. It stands proudly in its stunning beauty, very protective and wary of strangers. It is anything, but peaceful.

Perhaps, I sometimes reflect it is not a place I ought to be as I align with my past pain addiction when there. I get thirsty for the sensation of attachment to all that the land’s spirit represents. Over the years I certainly understood why I feel the way I do when I am there and why my spiritual awakening had to occur in Scotland. I remember it vividly when all my senses shut down and a strange mixture of deep grief and pure ecstasy entered my awareness all at the same time. I was then given a task to start working it all out and an incredible process of awakening began.

Amidst Snowdonian mountains and forests I feel good. I always had in a way I never do when in Scotland. That place is hard to describe even now, it simply goes beyond me. There I don’t feel safe necessarily, well, perhaps only when on an Isle away from the main land (recent discovery). I feel on guard and bereft but also so incredibly touched and moved in a way I can’t put into words. I feel like my heart breaks when I am there and when I am away from it, both. You can read my other posts about my feelings for the land and my difficulties staying away from it.

Perhaps, I thought this time round while in Snowdonia is that I am aligning more and more these days with the signature of light and peace without needing or wanting to be anywhere else emotionally or spiritually. Perhaps, my light is no longer in the shadow and I have found and settled into the oasis that I had always sought – inner peace.

I can see myself returning to Wales over and over again just to be what I am when I am there, living in the moment with no rush of any kind and a slower way of being in peace and tranquility.

Perhaps, Scotland will remain a mystery for a little while longer and the role of it in my life will become clearer as I continue my exploration and relationship with the land…

 

New year new altar 


Today I am clearing spaces, putting things away and changing things round in every room. I love this ritual of renewal and when better than in January.

I have been waiting for this energy with anticipation and excitement after a densely packed and quite unpleasant and suffocating month of December. I have become aware there is a pattern of a certain vibration that shows up every year towards the end of the year. More to learn, unpack and transform. Great learning.

My lovely Yule altar, which I wanted to be simple and effective this year with colours of red and white, served well during dark times. I love Yule. Now it’s time for a change. I am ready. Everything that’s been is now gone and it feels good. There’s only today and a possibility of tomorrow.

January is an active, inspirational and creative time for me usually. I enjoy it usually and throw myself into work, projects being very focused, motivated and organised. This, I feel, is present again this year, but along with the ‘doing’ I am also including the ‘being’ vibration. Peaceful and soothing, soft and gentle, restful and meditative. Therefore for this time in-between now and Imbolc on the 2nd February my altar goes to my sort of ‘default’ presentation of peace and tranquility, Buddha like space which I love so very much. Colours are purple and white and the feeling is love, light and peace. 

My intention is to go out there and grab life and do lots of exciting things, create beautiful musings and engage in writing and learning as much as I can, but also give myself space and time to be still, present, focused within and at peace with myself and the world.
Blessings!

Sacred peace

Peaceful-Buddha

The feeling of inner peace for me has always been the most unreachable and desirable state I could ever imagine. I simply always knew that it was my deepest desire to be able to taste, feel and introject the signature of what is the ultimate Inner Peace. It always felt like my life has been one big turmoil and unrest within the soul and nothing ever seemed to shift that innate sadness I always felt. Whenever I had come up against challenges, losses, depression, mania, addiction or total abandonment and bitter loneliness I fought my demons from outside in making myself unworthy, making myself disappear in the sea of desperation and hopelessness. I always craved and wished for one day to feel that peace within. I always said that there could not be anything better than a peace of mind, a peace of heart and a peace of my total being. I still stand by that.

Well, it has been a journey and through my life experience I have tasted that what I had desired for so long. I am now able to access that primary positive signature feeling more and more often. How it makes me feel? Humble, soft, gentle, pure, light, whole, all giving and receiving, loved. It is a feeling of a feather gently spiralling to the ground and landing on the earth so softly and gracefully it makes the world stop and witness it with the heart full of love and inspiration.

Lately I have been reading Buddhism teachings and listening to some great teachers, who radiate that feeling I now know well. It exists in other people and we all have potential to reach that place where we are one, we are whole and we are loved unconditionally. When I attempt to describe it to my clients I tend to go into that space where it is alive and it radiates towards whoever is listening and the effect of it is transformational. I do wish to be able to continue transmitting that feeling whenever it is needed for my loved ones and in my work. Just writing about it all I can see in front of me is gentle waves of the ocean licking the shore and air is so still and tranquil it makes me want to cry. It is somewhat elegant, pristine, untouched and utterly beautiful. I can also smell sandalwood and lavender, feel the freshness of air, smell the saltiness of water and earthiness of the ground with my solar plexus feeling warm. I notice how all four elements are present within that feeling, which fills me with joy.

This image is becoming one of my favourite associations with the feeling I describe. Many years ago I bought this statue, but I never knew why I did and what the use of it was for me, I just picked it up and brought it home from abroad. I bought it in a junk shop in Spain, I think. It is very simple yet I have always felt it and over the years it somehow made it to the centre of my altar and stayed there without me moving it anywhere else or even touching it. It ended up to be the centre piece on my Pagan eclectic witchy altar. Only now it is slowly beginning to make sense, as I recognise the signature of the feeling I have been seeking and my attraction to the ‘peace and stillness’ of the figure resonates with my heart. I love it. I will continue my exploration of this beautifully flowing feeling I have come to discover within and seek to amplify it for the purpose of my soul’s growth and bigger development within the structure I live. I remain ever curious and open to all messages that come my way.

buddha

I love today

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My heart beats with warmth and love today. There is a dizzy feeling of comforting intoxication. I like many things today. I appreciate many things today within and without and it feels contained and safe. Today I am in love with the process of writing and reading about nature and people, who are in deeply sacred relationship with it. I snuggled into the feeling of belonging, understanding and sharing. I am in a place of acceptance, kindness and compassion. I smile and laugh with my parents today, I talk softly to my partner and shower my son with love and affection. I love today. I love my house, a place of safety, comfort, joy and beauty, I smile as I walk from one room to another. I am aware of everything within me. I hear an internal song, a whistle of a jolly soft tune my heart is humming carefree and settled. I go to my garden plot where my vegetables are in wonderful growth, they are blooming into a wonderful green picture of deliciousness. I stop to admire it all, I smell tomato plants and run my fingers through beetroot tops. Cucumbers are looking beautiful. I love cucumber leaves and yellow flowers. I free potato plants from a sea of weeds, which feel soft and wet under my feet and in my hands. I get into the rhythm and hear that humming jolly song again within my heart. I pause, breathe in, strengthen my back and stretch my arms high to the sky with gratitude and oh, such peace within me. I love today!

Restoring inner peace 

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When you are thrown off course by outside circumstances and you didn’t see it coming it is a sign you left your centre unattended. When things happen you didn’t expect to happen you feel out of control desperately trying to gain control and attaching to outcomes in your thinking that you do want.

Trying to apply control when emotionally overwhelmed is some might say a natural reaction. We become obsessive in our actions, words and behaviour just to avoid feeling lost, empty and uncertain. It works, but a lasting effect is living within a prison of your own desperation to control everything and anything to avoid feelings within yourself, to avoid facing yourself.

When the world around us suddenly feels under threat the best and most important thing we must do is not to leave ourselves but check with ourselves applying soothing understanding and accepting to all feelings and surrendering to what we can’t control. We release out resistance to  unfavourable circumstances and allow the natural flow to occur however negative.

Bring it back to your heart centre by placing a hand over your heart area. Breathe into the space where you feel love and peace. Slow down, stay still, allow for whatever is present to be acknowledged in that moment.

There’s universal vibration at all times that holds faith and hope that all is just as it should be and all will be just the way it is meant to be. All we can do when we are thrown into a state of fear, desperation and uncertainty is stay with ourselves and acknowledge what we do have, what we can control and what we love and appreciate. Do not let go off your joy and peace however tempting it might be to spiral in the opposite direction.

Love and light