Home land

Earlier this summer I sat with my father looking at the map of Scotland, as I explained to him our travel plans, and suddenly he started going over each area naming it, as if it was a map of Russia, specifically Siberia. He gets it, ‘I thought’, and it meant so much to me. Some deep felt understanding between us, even when often unspoken, always produces a connection, which holds answers and links to what we are together, separate and where we come from. He knows what I mean when I talk about the land. He knows the feeling I speak so much of as if he feels it too and, I think, he does, in his own way, as we both had separated from our land a long time ago yet the yearning had never gone away. Does it ever leave you? Not if it is part of your soul’s tapestry.

Only this morning looking at pictures of Siberian nature it really landed for me that Scotland is as close to my ‘home land’ as I am ever going to get. I feel so at ease and comfortable there. I have called it home on many occasions and there are things that just make sense to me when I am there. Love makes sense, intense grief makes sense and tears of sorrow and joy that come every time I arrive and leave make sense. Within me there had always been a sense of separation from home, although well-hidden, which when young had not been processed and felt and this is what I have been feeling for the last few years. It is not simply a case of loving visiting a place, it is a case of ‘this is where I want to live and die’. There is nowhere else for me. It feels like an obligation to my soul and I now get what many immigrants had felt before me and many still do. I get what I have been doing the last few years in awakening my connection to a home once lost and never to be regained. My deep love for Scotland is my love for home.

Here are some pictures of Siberian nature. Perhaps, you can see what I see. It has always been about lakes and pine forests for me, deer, mountains and rivers, small villages and community living. As I write this, my heart aches. Ever since I came back to my house in the South, I have been in physical and emotional turmoil. It hurts being here and the feeling is so real like a culture shock and a need to acclimatise and fit back into the order of things that is here and not where I belong. I am left once again bereft, confused and heartbroken that gets harder to bare each year.

 

In waiting…

Feel unrooted, between places, between worlds. A sense of keen belonging is yet to land, for now I feel suspended in anticipation. Can’t say I like it.

Uncertainty, expectation, increased longing for what I don’t know yet. Feeling without a home is not a pleasant one. I have one yet out there there’s another one that sticks itself into my skin like a thorn every year. I am faced with a choice, on one hand wanting to abandon my current position but yet to attach to another. I feel ungrounded and in that space I do lose myself a little. Restlessness within is not a smooth flow but rather jagged projection on to everything and everyone. There is also an element of not being in control and that’s unsettling too. Waiting is another vibration that can present challenges. Waiting for what? Knowing I am waiting for something but what I don’t know and in that waiting I detach from one but yet to attach to that unknown and will I want to? Like losing ground from under my feet without knowing if whatever it is I am waiting for would catch up. Patience in that state becomes difficult and impatience sats in, which again manifests in rough outbursts of emotions and cold energy projection. It can be a dark place to be even amidst the sunshine, it is also lonely as difficult to convey the feeling that goes with it. I find myself wishing the sun away and wanting rain but it doesn’t feel rational or logical or even intuitively right. Confusing, searching, lost…

I recognise that every year this occurs as I prepare to leave my home in search of a home yet to be.

Inclusion and exclusion

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This week’s insights and explorations are all about inclusion and exclusion. Walking away and joining in.
My dreams have reflected back to me what is playing out in my psyche and I always reflect on what that might mean for me in my waking life. A series of dreams happened late last week where I would be walking away from my responsibilities and connections. There was a sense of ‘throwing in a towel’, giving up on what feels hard and uncomfortable. Those dreams followed by a series of dreams, which explored connection, inclusion and walking through difficulties to see what’s on the other side. The concluding dream was three beds in a room put close together with my bed being the largest and in the middle. There was a feeling of belonging and being accepted into a connection. That felt good. Walking away felt good but a sense of relief was temporary, whereas inclusion felt a more solid, continuous way of being.

This got me thinking about connection and belonging vs withdrawing and walking away, isolation. What is for the best? It comes down to balance and often when opposing dreams occur it tells me of a need to balance things out. Balance is incredibly important for humans to gain a fuller understanding of themselves and their position, role within a group. Balance provides a wider, richer experience of life on the whole. It comes down to allowing yourself to be with discomfort to find out what’s on the other end of it. Very often there are more advantages than disadvantages I find when we push through some barriers consciously and allow ourselves to feel what is not necessarily pleasant in the moment. Rich learning manifests as a result of pushing through fears and resistance. If we stay in a state of resistance nothing changes and growth doesn’t occur. So whichever way we decide to go, whether it is walking away or staying it is vital we are fully aware of what we are trying to achieve. Sometimes walking away is the best thing, but sometimes staying is what’s needed and working through what feels uncomfortable.

I am an introvert by nature and love solitude but in recent years I have been allowing myself to join in, connect and express myself more out there and what transpired is this other side of my personality that thrives in groups and amongst people. I discover I learn a lot through human connections and feedback. I become more balanced and whole. There is a side to me that loves observing and engaging with humans and when that is balanced with honouring my time of solitude and withdrawal it feels better. Through interactions I have become braver to expose sides of me that might not be acceptable and seeing reactions and responses which provide me with a lot of learning. My authentic self is blooming in expressing what is with no judgement or fear.

Humans are complex and there are ways of being within us all that vary depending on where we are and who we are with. Conscious engagement with the whole of us and not just certain parts of ourselves makes it real, human and honest. Through others’ witnessing that honest expression of who I am seems to have an effect on others around and it is that collective growing and exploration that makes relationships so valuable. We learn from one another via connecting with the whole.

Including or excluding yourself should be a conscious choice depending what our intentions are. What would make our experience here on earth richer and more whole? What would be the benefit of one way or another and it is in the mixture and making those decisions for ourselves we find what matters, what works and what makes us grow intimately. Stepping fully into life with a heart open and authentic self present is a manifestation of the spiritual. It is in life we become aware of beauty and ugliness of human nature with full acceptance and non-judgements. It is through other people we become aware of things within ourselves and by exploring ourselves we make others reflect of their behaviours and values.

Being fully present in life and authentic within yourself and on outside is a beautiful thing and all I ever wanted and I am finally seeing that manifestation, which is a result of walking through fears, embracing the whole human nature warts and all and engaging nevertheless always wanting to learn, reflect and integrate.

Today I feel grateful for all the connections that exist in my life.