Shadow work, triggers and practicing Grace

shadow

I find myself gripped by the force I know well. It is a trigger of a strong kind. Only this time it feels more out of control, drawing me into its malignant and very dark something. I feel myself wanting to shapeshift into a beast and rip the energy apart. Something is threatening my light within, something is laughing and intends to spoil the goodness. I feel like a warrior trying to protect my kingdom from an unwanted enemy.

There is also a test in this, I fear, when my thoughts begin to shift towards black magic, voodoo dolls and I see visions of a laughing crone, skulls and lots of blood. Something needs to die and to be born, I tell myself. Why is this affecting me so? I am so emotionally overwhelmed by the strong pull into the darkness I can barely breathe, my thinking is clouded and my body feels non-existent. It feel like whatever this is might be winning the fight. Laughing faces and voices haunt me… I try to hold on to my awareness of the situation and desperately understand its meaning. Like never before I need to stay with myself, my needs, my intuition and awareness. It is either that or death, a death of all that I worked for and all that I have become. A test, a pull so strong I consider surrendering… But no.

Whatever I try in this situation, I am unable to detach myself from the ‘evil-like’ force that drags me into its waters by my ankles. I am fighting on one hand and on another I want to join in demolition of everything that is good, kind and selfless. I hold on. I contact a trusted friend or two and talk it over with them and it somewhat helps, but none of the techniques, which deal with demystifying and releasing triggers work. I feel powerless.

What remains hanging on by a thread is my awareness that all will be good and that this means something and it is important to stay with it to find out its intention. Lessons come in forms of energy entering my body. It feels like something from ‘outside’ when meets my ‘inside’, outer world awareness meets my inner world, it changes into something clearer. It is as if I have enough faith to allow myself to breathe in some of what is surrounding me into myself to see what happens and something does shift, not for long, but it does.

The lessons

This trigger drawing my shadow stuff out into the light and my intuition is guiding me to pay attention.

I realise my own light and how strong the love I have known, the unconditional, purple and white colour love, bigger than anything kind of love, is within me. I let in the external trigger in a form of a black smoky cloud into my 5th dimensional ‘home’, into my soul’s domain and guess what? It doesn’t taint it, it doesn’t grow bigger, the love remains, it doesn’t go, but what of the black cloud? I need to take it out of myself again and out there and when looking at it I know who I associate it with. Qualities of jealousy, control, dominance, envy, victimhood, vengeance and helplessness greet me. Those, I realise, are very old, stem from many years ago, my childhood, possibly even before then. They feel primitive and they ARE in pain screaming, moaning in discontent, dirty, ugly and pitiful.

When something from the shadow comes up one must not only pay attention one must engage with it, look it in the eyes and say

I love you

I hear and see you

I acknowledge you and release you

You will always have me validating you whenever your voice wanting to be heard

I am here with you

The love within me is ever strong and enough for the whole world over and over again

Do not be afraid, be released in peace

Dealing with triggers – techniques and tools

From my experience of coming face to face with parts of my shadow (above) and intentionally giving it love to integrate it I begin to explore what else works in times of conflict and discontent be it with another person, a circumstance, event or a situation.

Step into another’s shoes

When faced with what seems an impossible situation, which stirs all sorts of ‘bad’ feelings within you and you feel you are being swept into an argument, conflict, emotional drama, war, step into another’s shoes. You can do this in several ways, one is in relation to this situation and another is in relation to them as a person, as often (as it was in my situation recently) you don’t know why someone or something is causing you to feel destroyed on the inside and triggers you so bad. It is not always obvious.

A situation

Sit in silence in a place where you are alone. With breathing deeply bring your attention within and when you find yourself in-between thoughts focus on a person in front of you, a person that bothers you in a given situation. See yourself standing opposite them and observe how it makes you feel to have to face them. This is important to let yourself feel everything there is to feel towards them. Allow yourself to be with them. Then imagine stepping into their body and facing yourself. Observe how you feel and what comes to you, be it an image, a voice, an emotion… Feel what the person is feeling and wants to say to you, if anything. When you receive information you needed step out of their body and back into your own. Observe how you feel now having received information and visited their ‘point of view’.

A person

This is suitable for situations where you are being triggered by a person for a reason you are not aware of. Someone, who seemingly hasn’t done anything wrong to you, but they are pulling you in energetically for a reason and this is the way to find out why and what they are trying to achieve.

Repeat as above, but when you step into their body, observe and feel their qualities, needs, desires. Before you step into them ask them ‘what do you need and want?’, then from ‘their point of view’ allow them to speak.

There might come a time when you will begin to do this exercise automatically with people or situations. You will be able to just know what is what as soon as you bring your ‘step into their shoes’ intention into your awareness.

It works without fail and has been the most useful and powerful tool for me to bring peace and resolution within myself and improve relationships and responses immensely.

Until something else showed itself to me and that is practicing grace.

Manifesting grace

On my way from a client the other day the word ‘grace’ came into my awareness and I kept repeating it to myself over and over again. It is a beautiful word, I feel, vibrationally aligning with the higher self, the pure self. What is grace? Listening to others I heard definitions of ‘forgiving someone undeserving’, ‘God’s grace’, ‘releasing of sins’. It also felt like grace is always directed towards others. What about yourself? It didn’t feel complete or felt good to me to hear references to undeserving, sin, mercy, others. It is way more than that, it is out there for everyone including yourself. No one is undeserving. I believe we are all deserving of love, everyone is regardless of our shadows and wounds. What came to me is grace is unconditional love. Yes, towards yourself and others.

Again I found myself in the place of my soul where that unconditional love lives. It is of colours purple and white, pure, delicate, majestic, touchingly beautiful and everlasting. I became aware of myself being in touch with that place more and more recently and smiling to myself I felt full of hope and light.

Until I found myself face to face with a situation and a person that threatened to dim the light. I tried everything including the above and it did very little. I was surprised how strong it felt and how ‘impossible’ it seemed to ever resolve it. I felt helpless. They haunted me. I raged and cried and nothing worked. I remained triggered to the point of feeling sick and never seeing a hope of detaching. There was a feeling of dirt, emptiness and hollowness, not a nice place to be. I realised my vibration was very low.

One evening I walked through the Christmas fair and I suddenly got drawn to a jewellery stall and I knew then I was going to buy a gift for the very person I was battling in within myself through the external representation of someone else. I felt immense light saying their name and stating my intention of buying a gift. I bought it and I felt such a relief. My throat relaxed for the first time in weeks and I took a deep breath expressing how good I felt.

The next day what came to me was a realisation that I was practicing grace. There is a saying ‘rise above’, ‘accept or give gracefully’, both of which assume that you do something without needing to like it, but in doing so you go beyond what is present. This sounds slightly like a by-pass to me as anything that goes beyond without going in or through first is not a complete resolution. What was happening her was after weeks of going through the feelings, going into it, looking at it my ‘grace’, if you like, my unconditional love got activated or came forward to lend a hand and remind me that love is bigger than fear, bigger than hatred or revenge. It is just bigger and purer and when one uses to transmute the dark, the pain, the anguish one doesn’t reject it, no, it acknowledges it, it soothes it, it says I love you, you are ok, whatever you are teaching me I accept, thank you. I became aware I practiced grace when I bought that gift and the gift was for myself as much as the other person.

Visit your place of grace often, be aware when your light gets dimmed or your vibration falls, ask why. What dark places need revisiting within us in times when we are met with triggers?

Grace, awareness, love and more love

Blessed Winter Solstice!

sunrise (1)

On grief and winter

grief and winter

On grief and winter

From a bereavement counsellor to a bereavement client in one day. Grief carries no warning, death does not wait, time does not stop, nothing stays the same, nothing lasts. Things change from one minute to the next and all we are left with is the present moment, just now.

Having sat opposite people in grief for years I suddenly got it more than I ever did before. I experienced bereavement when younger and, yes, it always gripped me to the core and it was something that did not just pass I had to live it every day, work through it every day for many years, 7 years seems to be the number for me. Here it was again, in my face, unapologetic, under my skin and everywhere in my body and I froze. I knew I could not accompany anyone on their grief journey for the time being, not now, not for a while. I was the client now in need of a counsellor.

Emotions consume you within seconds, you don’t ask for it, you don’t expect it yet you feel it so deeply you might not even recognise yourself in that moment. It is often unreal and you question how life was a minute ago, nothing will ever be the same again. It is strikingly profound.

As I handed my notice I felt a wave of emotion, a wave of pain for me, not for my clients or friends or family, but me. I was IN it. The thing with grief you think you will be ok, you prepare, you tell yourself things, you philosophise on what approach you might take and you apply various beliefs to the journey of life and death, but nothing, nothing prepares you for it and the reason is – emotions have no reason, they just are. They are raw and in need of expression. They take over your body, your mind, your soul and one has to lay in bed with it all feeling like drowning, falling. The sunshine dims and curtains close just like when a coffin is covered with a sliding curtain ready for cremation. Is this it?

For many this is the end and for many it is a beginning of something new. The truth is it is both, the end of something and the beginning of something. Life and death walk together always. There is never one without the other. The Sun rises every day giving birth to the light and disappears every night extinguishing its shining, but the stars are born and darkness is welcomed by all of us sleeping and resting. Grief draws us into the dark place, into the place of pain, questioning and searching. A bit like winter time, which rules the land in its sleeping and invites us into the darkness of our thoughts and emotions. We are thrown into ourselves to dwell on our year past, reflect on all that touched us and got us here to this moment. In winter we are helpless with it all, some like it others crave light and sunshine and that’s ok. Both have meaning and lessons and so grief also teaches us to reflect, how to really feel and miss someone deeply who is never to walk the Earth again. Nothing teaches us more about life than death. Grab it with both hands, I say, run with it invigorated by knowing that each day will never come again. Create, breathe deeply, notice, most of all notice and feel all there is to see and feel around you. Engage with life hungrily knowing that all those that left their bodies are now within us. They are woven into tapestry of our lives forever and we will carry their spirit till it is time for us to hand it over to someone else. The cycle continues. The wheel turns on the 22 December and the light comes back again.

Live, breathe, feel

Blessed Yule and Winter Solstice!

Winter Solstice

Surrender to your emotions…

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Nature Elements 

Emotions are very powerful having that sword-sharp edge of either cut through us, throw us over the cliffs in a moment of fury, drown us deep in our unconscious darkness or burn us to ashes.

Surrender…

In all of my experiences I have come to realise that resistance and feelings do not go together. Where there is resistance there is also intensity of a feeling, not in a way of increasing its highest vibration, but in a distorted way of throwing you off-balance. When your resistance gets stronger, emotions begin to raw louder.

Surrender…

It is a concept of ‘being with’, allowing the flow through, surrender – that is what not only gives a relief it also gives an experience you can say you truly lived through. Nothing is wasted that way, an emotion is allowed to be expressed fully without any residue of it being left or pieces buried in places unseen.

Emotions and the five elements associations working together can be a useful tool in my experience. Allow your intuition and imagination to come forth to assist you with the processing emotions at any given moment. Emotions most often associated with the element of Fire are anger, fury, rage, passion, force to act, impatience. Each emotion can tilt over into its distortion if it is not allowed to ‘be’ what it wants to be. Our aim to find a way to express it in the moment, which would benefit us. Feeling everything to the full without apologies or excuses or shunting ourselves for feeling something is a true gift to yourself, others and the world. You become intelligent in ‘feeling’ things, people and places to the point that nothing is any longer unfamiliar to you on an emotional level. Only through getting to know emotions you gain wisdom of feeling and expression. So, if you are feeling rage, let yourself be with that, ask yourself what you need in that moment, let it flow through you. Take yourself away when you can be with it one-on-one, as this is a message to you, a lesson to you, no one else needs to interfere here. A mistake most make is involve others in processing their emotions. When something comes up, it is about us first and foremost and the right questions should come to the surface regarding your needs, your desires, your voice, or actions and behaviour.

Sitting with an emotion, which feels burning, hot, furious imagine yourself in the Fire, feel it on your skin, embrace its full potential and see whether afterwards it not only transforms into something much more meaningful and useful, but also adds to your wisdom of knowing how to ‘be’ with something.

The same with Water emotions like tears, sorrow, grief or loneliness. Take a bath, immerse yourself into the very same element that emotion comes from and let it flow through you. It never lasts for long, it always goes, it doesn’t stay just like you never catch a stretch of river flow in the same place twice. It might come again and again and often we think we cannot bare it, we will not survive it, but every time we do and, believe me, the more we sit with it and allow it wash over us or go through us, the easier it gets. Emotions will appreciate your attention, as they speak to soul parts of ourselves that need to be heard and seen.

Have you ever experienced Spirit in the 5th dimension, have you seen it? Felt it? Experienced it within your soul, which often comes as deep knowing and feels like ‘home’. That’s the master emotion in my recent experience. I would advise spending time familiarising yourself with it, invoke it as much as you need when you need, bathe in the sweet knowledge of belonging to something bigger, something unconditional, pure and majestic. What I have done recently is to summon that feeling into my emotional body, my awareness whenever I felt anger, frustration or discontent with something. I have a place within me that allows access to that feeling of joy and unconditional love in a much bigger context than what we are here on Earth. It always brings awareness that whatever I might be feeling is a nugget of knowledge, something I need to look at, but knowing the Spirit exist in the form familiar to me makes that ‘journeying’ through an emotion easier. It give it a sense of having Faith. It lets you know that it, like everything else, will also pass and if you managed to extract a lesson from an emotional experience, so much the wiser you become every time you engage with it in a way that accepts and acknowledges how you feel.

If your mind is racing and you feel lost, imagine yourself flying and feel cool air on your skin and wind in your hair, imagine being washed over with the air emotions. If someone is being negative towards you and you feel like all you want to do is disappear just not to feel it, allow yourself to stay. Imagine you come from the Earth, feel it with your bare feet and imagine your legs growing deep into the ground. There is a warm and reassuring feeling, which comes with the Earth.

There is always a healing emotion to the one that is distorted, e.g. anger-determination, sadness-empathy, sorrow-wisdom, etc. Remember emotions transform, always, but only if they are allowed expression and given enough attention to in the first instance. If they don’t, they distort and fester and become something bigger and uglier often than what their intention was initially.

Surrender is the way…

My wild place

Fairy Pools, Isle of Skye, Scotland

My heart can not hold itself in my chest when it tumbles with such ache and yearning for the wild place my soul calls home.

I can’t breathe, I can’t see clearly, the spirit wants to rip my chest open with a scream of joy and deep deep missing for the place.

Rugged, wild, untouched, unspoilt, pure, magical and stunningly beautiful like nowhere on Earth. There are not enough adjectives to describe what my soul is experiencing when I think of my wild place. I dream of it, I crave it, I cry hard every time I think of it. Tears are of the distance, separation and also joy of knowing it, feeling it deeply in every cell of my physical body as well as being the main accord of every emotion within my emotional body. I hope and wait for a reunion every year.

It is a place I want to live and die in. I want to climb the rocks, wonder through moors, luxuriate in the greenest grassy beds aromatic with heather and buttercups and swim in the land’s lochs pure, deep, cooling and renewing to my cells.

Loch Ness, Scotland

I dream the dream in the hope that one day my soul will reunite with the land it calls home.

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The gift of the land/soul home

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Glencoe, Scotland

Do not be fooled by the beauty and majesty of the land, as it hides its scars well and keeps its secrets deep under her Earthy blankets. The land doesn’t wait, protect or care for anyone or anything in a sense it just IS. You either blend with it and submit in many ways and embrace its ways or you leave. It doesn’t care for keeping you or entertain you, it has no interest in what you think and feel it is just there. It sounds rejecting, right, well, it is not. It is everlasting and just there and if one wants to merge with it the land is fine with that too as long as there is respect and deep understanding of its wounds, joys, past. Yes, the land more than anything carries past within her streams, trees, mossy hills and eternal rocks. There is nothing on Earth that I have ever come across that speaks of the past and ancestral doings more than the land we stand on, walk on. It knows it all, it seen a lot hence its wisdom is unquestionable. It is fierce and it is gentle, it has it all. It is not all beauty and majesty, it is bloody murders and deaths, it is tears of sorrow and it is gentleness of a sunrise through the trees in the forest. Its majesty lies in its knowing, diversity, multidimensional way of being and embracing it all. It loves and it fights, it gives birth and it kills, it nourishes and it starves and the cycle goes on and on and is never ending. One that will never end, it will continue to go on long after we are gone. That’s the majesty, the way of being that just IS.

Deep understanding of nature can bring peace and turmoil into our souls, as processed are parallel within nature and our psyche and if we tune into its rhythms we risk deeper understanding of ourselves. It mirrors life perfectly to us, all we have to do is see and feel deeply. Nature is the perfect gift to humanity and we don’t know it, but we are threatened by it through destroying it, through turning away from natural ways, through mocking and rejecting the ways of the old. We are scared, that’s what it is, that is all that it is – fear of that power that lied deep in the woods and amongst the rocks and up in the sky. We cannot surrender, we resist and we project and we reject and curse the power that we know we want to get to know, but fear stops us. Nature does favour the brave though, I would say, it shows more to those who are willing to merge with it and enter the forest with an open heart full of love and ready to learn and explore. It favours creative types, curious types unafraid of getting it wrong and stumbling over logs and cutting themselves on bramble and falling off a rock and getting wet on the greenness of the moss. It lifts you up it pushes you down, but as long as you get up and continue on a journey it helps you along yes with more tests, yes, with more challenges, but it also applauds you in recognition of your bravery and willingness to know nature, know yourself…

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Loch Ness, Scotland

It can lead you to your home, to your spirit source if you keep eyes, ears and heart open whenever you go listen to the calls of the land, feel the pulls of your heart. What are you drawn to? Rivers, mountains, forests, the sea. Where is it that you feel the most unbearable ache that wouldn’t go away when you are away from the land. What is the place that enters your mind every day and you burst into tears instantly. Where is it you feel the joy of immense light when you are as one with the land. That’s your ‘soul home’. You just know it and the land knows it too as your evolution is a progression towards worship and protection of the land. It becomes a sacred relationship. The land can’t not appreciate it, it does, although it does not attach itself to you as much as you attach yourself to it. It continues to be with allowing for you to be with it. You become living in service to that land, you walk with pride over its hills and fall in love with its winds and summer sunsets. You become as one and all that your heart wants is to be forever there, to be always with it, as one living and breathing and following the cycles of the land forever and ever till the spirit shines so bright and is so near your soul returns to it in peace and beauty.

“This is the place. I was certain. For the heart knows its home when it finds it, and on finding it, stays there.” Corrag, Susan Fletcher 

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Perthshire, Scotland

Candle and Oils Magic e-guide release

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Welcome to my new release!

I created this concise e-guide to Candle and Oils Magic due to popular demand

  • Concise and easy to digest references and information guide
  • Full colour tables and photographs
  • Easy reference source for your spells with candles and oils
  • Includes basic information on important tools and techniques when practicing magic
  • Suitable for beginners. Includes an example
  • Includes original design Elements cards
  • emailed to you as a high quality pdf file after purchase

I enjoyed created this product for you immensely. It poured right out of me, which is always THE best way to create, in my experience. I hope you find it a useful reference and information resource.

Thank you for your support and love!

RawPagan

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£27.00

Madness of the World

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It’s been an incredibly emotional and painful month both on a personal and external levels. Today I literally feel the ‘madness’ of the world like it is sitting in my front room screwed up in pain and desperation. It is potent and it smells bad. There is disintegration that is happening within its consciousness that feels like madness and when madness occurs all boundaries are blurred and that is when it becomes dangerous, out of control. It has no longer anything more to lose, so it is released into its own destruction. I never felt it this strong before and its presence is felt in my body everywhere. I want to cry, I want to run, I want to stay and cry some more. Conflicting, overwhelming emotions running through every cell.

Today I suddenly understand my father’s struggle with the world, his anger and disappointment with the way things are. I understand it through feeling it all over my emotional body. He, however, chooses to fight it with anger, anger and more anger. He appears to have become almost addicted to the feeling of rage and violence of the world. He is not able to reach that place of love and peace, it is very far removed at this point and that’s how many are feeling when faced with the desperation of the world. Read More