Oh how I just want to go and not return
As I would be home at last and forever
This separation seems more and more pointless like waiting for nothing and everything
It is right there. I can feel the land’s beating heart within my own
Yet like chains otherness holds me and it feels like a rope round my neck yet necessary, almost pretending to be a gift
Love is a strange thing. The strangest
It pulls and pushes and one never really knows how to be with it as often there is no reason or explanation. It just is…
Its powerful curse of surrender though can either make you or break you but what’s the worse is not having ever felt it or being fulfilled by it
Damn you, I say in one breath and in another I take in the soul of my child smiling at me
I am walking away one day and another I am asked to stay by warm presence of another
Land or man, wild or contained, soulful or dutiful it is all entwined in the existence of today
I closed my eyes in my sleep earlier today and saw a cottage with Gaelic words above the door. I was speaking the words as if I knew the tongue naturally, but I struggled to make meaning. There was two versions of the wording, I remember that clearly. Walking into the cottage and crouching down due to a low entrance ceiling I was carrying an old water pale. It felt calming, like home, like where I want to be. So clear a vision, a dream
It has all been rather grey and moody this month as if life stopped at this place of no particular interest, a downward mood yet not particularly depressive. Confusion, uncertainty and anxiety have been at the centre of the feeling of it all although with a clear awareness of everything actually being all right. There has been motion yet it felt dragging. There has been laughter and warmth with odd moments of grief flying in from nowhere. Most peculiar presentation of the season I’d say, however thinking about it there is nothing really surprising about it. Winter and grief go hand and hand and death and anxiety are good old friends.
I have experienced it all it seems in just one month and something in me can’t help but wonder what the next month could possibly bring.
My body has thrown up another mysterious ailment. Usually these happen in spring for me, but this time it came in winter and I believe it is linked to both grief and anxiety. Those two human issues have been present in my life always and I have come to take it for granted and somewhat my body, the wise old vessel that it is, decided to remind me or rather slap me in the face with asking me to revisit what both of those mean to me. Is it actually good for me to be exposed to it all the time or is it time to admit it is not always the best? I realised that I abandon myself over and over again when faced with grief and anxiety and not only that both signatures go right through my body and always manifest in curious things. I am completely disarmed by them, it seems.
This time I was faced with not being able to breathe. That tapped into my death anxiety and having to face that and look underneath of what that presentation meant, not to mention lung being directly linked to grief and death. How vulnerable I am to it all and how clever my body is to jolt me into considering the consequences.
I don’t want to die gasping to air and I don’t want to live my life waiting for the moment when I can’t take another breath and die. I can’t placate my anxiety or avoid it with doing the exact thing that takes my breath away in a sense of killing me. There is so much connection and meaning to it all. All quite sad, dark and paralysing.
What I am trying to say here and learn from is that our body is so wise and knowing if only we listened to it and for sure there will be consequences if we don’t. That much is clear. I know my body for being friendly and always on my side despite a life-long abuse thrown at it. How much it had to put up with yet never left me and when the ultimate function of air in my lungs became compromised suddenly death stepped in with a possibility of taking me. Truly awakening.
What a month it has been so far. Scary, up and down and everything in between yet nothing at all. In the stillness of winter, indeed, we are often faced with the darkest faces of existence. It is stark in my mind the true meaning of the season this year. There’s a certain old and murky wisdom taste to it this year. Perhaps this will only amplify with myself getting old, who knows, but one just never knows what awaits us.
Frost and sunshine – a glorious combination of Fire and Ice. I love the Sun when there is no heat and instead the cold hits my face and senses.
Every Sunday morning, without fail I put on my hiking boots and go into nature to release, renew, regenerate and listen. I simply can not live without it.
A rough start. Do you hear the rumble deep in the shadows and up in the starry sky?
Unfolding and twisting, slow and steady. Fear gripped the chest and breathing drops heavy.
A rough start. Do we coil inwards or open up like bare earth to the storm
Do we run and hide or come out into the darkest opening. We simply continue. We patiently observe Water, Air, Earth and Fire within and without.
Water invites to join the flow of life
The life stirring within the Earth as delicate as lace but as strong as the very intention of life
Air rushes through us as if to say ‘hold on’ blasting our beings with possibilities
Fire within burns steady whether strong and steady or distant and barely warm it burns
A rough start but a start nevertheless
Whatever we are to wake up to is felt and it will come when we stare in awe into future
Every year’s signature contains an authenticity message at the heart of it. I believe it is the future and has always been something true evolution is made of. The energy of it will only increase with each year and that is the beauty in welcoming a new year where such opportunity exists.
The dream is about authenticity, true beauty, light and dark.
“I was given some stunning liquid of silver and gold that was meant to be put on a face like make-up. It felt luxurious on the skin and looked beautiful. I put it on all over my face and walked into a room with a long table where there were people sitting either side.
One side of the table loved it and admired my beauty. The other side didn’t like it and preferred me without it.
There was a dilemma for myself. What did I like? What did I want to do? ‘The mask’ continued to feel wonderful on my face and looked truly stunning. It gave me a certain advantage and edge, one might say.
In the next scene I am heading towards showers to wash my hair and there is a man, who says ‘if I wash my face off I will no longer be the most beautiful woman in the whole world and will become the second in line after some other woman that will jump to the front. The man smirked and had an expression of warning about it as if to say ‘really think about what you want to do, think twice…’.
There was another man in the room, who had light hair and appeared very quiet, calm with a soft face, the opposite to the first man. Looking at him I knew instantly he didn’t care for my ‘mask’ much or the way I looked at all. He saw through me, deeper.
I decided to get rid of my face make-up and leave my hair unwashed and instantly felt lighter and more grounded.
I took a hand of the blonde man and we walked outside to the light. He appeared to have something lodged in the inner corner of his left eye. A thin stick, a string of some sort. I said to him that I will attempt to pull it out, but it might hurt. This felt like something to do with the way he was seeing things and, perhaps, the object lodged obscured his true vision. I starts pulling the string out, it was very long. The man didn’t flinch or changed in any way, he just smiled gently at me.
We embraced and fell on the ground when I realised I had a pure white coat on and was lying in mud. For a second I was concerned but quickly relaxed and no longer cared in his arms whether my coat would get ruined. His support and acceptance was all I needed.”
One of the best dreams I have ever had
In 2018 I have gone on a journey of tuning into myself, the world around me with nature continuing to be my sacred, supportive and grounding space on a month by month basis and it has been an incredible way of getting to know myself. I have not just been surprised but amazed at various things that I didn’t even know existed.
I took an approach of keeping a journal taking one month at a time, January, February, March, etc. Focusing my awareness of what happens within me at any given moment, things that arise when engaging with people and partaking in events or when being silent or walking in nature. Feelings that come up for me spontaneously and consciously, when in here and now, when asleep, dream observations, etc.
The main aim of the exercise was sharpening my awareness of myself in terms of qualities, strengths, weaker points, triggers, ways of relating, preferences in being, how well-balanced or unbalanced something was within and tuning into needs that were either always met or never met. These are just some examples of this practice.
Here’s a list of qualities I have discovered and zoomed in for each month as I became aware of those energies in me. Just to give you an example and yes, a lot of it surprised me and offered and opportunity for change.
Once we become aware of something we then are offered a choice automatically. We can choose what we do with that newly found information. That’s a beauty of making unconscious conscious. You can go as deep as you wish into what you discover, or observe it simply as it is or both.
I have truly experienced myself as ‘nice’. This might sound strange, but I saw just how divorced I have been from myself in that sense. This time I felt it, really felt it and knew that to be true. I enjoyed that one. Beautiful sensation.
I spent most of the month in a state of light and loving kindness. It was all about love, the pure kind, the transcendent kind. Another beautiful state. I was made aware that I am
able to go to that place a lot easier than I have given myself credit for in the past.
I was able to transform my relationship with the physical pain and learnt to listen to it.
And so it goes… each month there will be a theme or a feeling that would centre around me and ask tor attention and I would journal around what came up. I have had an incredible year and partly that was due to my conscious choosing of being aware at all times and in tune with what arose without trying to fight it or change it. I observed myself and wrote about it.
At the end of the calendar year I was full of lessons and knowing more than I did last year. My experiment in active personal evolving has been very rewarding and highly interesting. I would recommend this self-awareness tool to everyone looking to dive deeper into finding out more about themselves including a much subtler layers of psyche, not just things that might be familiar or obvious. Super fun. Writing as a tool is generally transformative and healing. If you enjoy writing this one won’t disappoint.
This is something I think I will always continue doing in one form or another. It is now January and I find myself in a very different place to where I was this time last year and it grabs my attention and spikes curiosity. I am excited to enter into any new space that opens up in front of me. Remaining in wonder is an essential part of life to me and for as long as awareness, enchantment and tapping into potential is there, life is full of all things interesting.
Happy 2019, everyone!