In waiting…

Feel unrooted, between places, between worlds. A sense of keen belonging is yet to land, for now I feel suspended in anticipation. Can’t say I like it.

Uncertainty, expectation, increased longing for what I don’t know yet. Feeling without a home is not a pleasant one. I have one yet out there there’s another one that sticks itself into my skin like a thorn every year. I am faced with a choice, on one hand wanting to abandon my current position but yet to attach to another. I feel ungrounded and in that space I do lose myself a little. Restlessness within is not a smooth flow but rather jagged projection on to everything and everyone. There is also an element of not being in control and that’s unsettling too. Waiting is another vibration that can present challenges. Waiting for what? Knowing I am waiting for something but what I don’t know and in that waiting I detach from one but yet to attach to that unknown and will I want to? Like losing ground from under my feet without knowing if whatever it is I am waiting for would catch up. Patience in that state becomes difficult and impatience sats in, which again manifests in rough outbursts of emotions and cold energy projection. It can be a dark place to be even amidst the sunshine, it is also lonely as difficult to convey the feeling that goes with it. I find myself wishing the sun away and wanting rain but it doesn’t feel rational or logical or even intuitively right. Confusing, searching, lost…

I recognise that every year this occurs as I prepare to leave my home in search of a home yet to be.

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Comparing lands’ signatures and emotional healing

North Wales, Snowdonia. So peaceful here. The land lulls you gently into comfort and quiet, soothingly singing a gentle tune. The land’s signature is of a simple life, uncomplicated by any depth of emotion or tragedy, I feel. It is an old land with ancient roots, no doubt, steeped in tradition, but it feels like whatever conflict there might have been it is resolved and the land enjoys a life of simple pleasures. Spirit here is pure and gentle of a colour white. It is felt all around, but ever so slightly. It is in the background and not at all overwhelming. Mostly in the mountains and rocks one would meet the land’s spirits and they are all of a vibration of support and nurture. They continuously tell a story, always talking and if you sit quietly you can clearly hear a narration, which again, like a lullaby, sends you to a place of peace and comfort.

In contrast Scotland’s spirit is rich and troubled, one might say. It carries the land’s history through its glens, mountains and lakes and the strength and power of it can’t be denied. It is in your face penetrating through skin. I am deeply affected emotionally and get sensory overwhelm every time I am in the land. It taps into my shadow signature of violence, loss, grief and bloodshed. Even madness, I’d say, is present in the mixture of what is the land’s spiritual heritage. It stands proudly in its stunning beauty, very protective and wary of strangers. It is anything, but peaceful.

Perhaps, I sometimes reflect it is not a place I ought to be as I align with my past pain addiction when there. I get thirsty for the sensation of attachment to all that the land’s spirit represents. Over the years I certainly understood why I feel the way I do when I am there and why my spiritual awakening had to occur in Scotland. I remember it vividly when all my senses shut down and a strange mixture of deep grief and pure ecstasy entered my awareness all at the same time. I was then given a task to start working it all out and an incredible process of awakening began.

Amidst Snowdonian mountains and forests I feel good. I always had in a way I never do when in Scotland. That place is hard to describe even now, it simply goes beyond me. There I don’t feel safe necessarily, well, perhaps only when on an Isle away from the main land (recent discovery). I feel on guard and bereft but also so incredibly touched and moved in a way I can’t put into words. I feel like my heart breaks when I am there and when I am away from it, both. You can read my other posts about my feelings for the land and my difficulties staying away from it.

Perhaps, I thought this time round while in Snowdonia is that I am aligning more and more these days with the signature of light and peace without needing or wanting to be anywhere else emotionally or spiritually. Perhaps, my light is no longer in the shadow and I have found and settled into the oasis that I had always sought – inner peace.

I can see myself returning to Wales over and over again just to be what I am when I am there, living in the moment with no rush of any kind and a slower way of being in peace and tranquility.

Perhaps, Scotland will remain a mystery for a little while longer and the role of it in my life will become clearer as I continue my exploration and relationship with the land…

It is all about perception…

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We are all familiar with an expression ‘jumping through hoops’. What it often implies is a kind of struggle, difficulty and doing something one is not keen on necessarily. Someone mentioned it in conversation to me recently describing a situation where it looks like there was no enjoyment in actions and tasks, i.e. there was a feeling in that person that the other was having to ‘jump through hoops’. It can be so, however, it got me thinking in terms of how many times certain expressions we are used to imply generalisation for us all. I am not a fan of generalisation due to awareness of just how individually different and unique we all are. Many find generalisations helpful. It makes them feel like they fit in, they feel understood and safe somehow. It offers a quick explanation to what they are going through and their agreeing to the statement in that moment is almost automatic.

I began to think deeper about the concept of ‘jumping through hoops’ and what its vibration offers to us. Does it always have to be difficult and tinted with negativity or something unpleasant? Sure, the hoop can be visualized as an obstacle, covered in raging fire and something very hard to overcome, which requires us pushing ourselves to limits to get to the other side. Is there another vibration in that ‘jumping through fire’? It depends how one looks at it, how one perceives the situation they are in.

As I walked in the woods this morning what came into my awareness was an arch, or a beautiful ring through which one can walk, but it wasn’t covered in angry fire, but blooming roses.

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My consciousness immediately took me back to the conversation I refer to above earlier this week and within my body I felt an opening around my heart. I smiled. The vision of the rose-covered arch became magnified and I could smell the scent of the blooms and feel their tender foliage. It was full of life and hope. For flowers to bloom in its most beautiful manifestation they need nurturing and careful attention, they need love and watchful care. It is not an easy task to keep something alive and thriving. Flowers on the arch are manifestation of spirit in nature. They are filled with sparkling aliveness and sweet scent, which affects our senses. Have you ever tried to merge with a flower? Shapeshift? It is one of the most satisfying and delicious experiences and one of the easiest, as flowers are inviting to the soul in their beauty.

I then imagines what if we switch the idea of ‘jumping through hoops’, which feels heavy and a struggle to walking through rose-covered arches instead. By switching our perception of what we are doing, we align with a different vibration all together. It is still not easy, as to truly walk through the arch of blooming roses we must ensure those roses are in bloom and flourishing, otherwise it wouldn’t walk, but in that vibration we do not forget our efforts and we celebrate our achievements and from one arch to the other we carry the gift of hope and love for ourselves and goals we set out to achieve. We work hard in-between the arches and there are often many to walk through, but it becomes a pleasure rather than a chore, something we need to do to get to the end. It becomes a journey, which then makes the destination ever so more fulfilling and joyful.

This year for me consists of an end goal, which is in sight, however, to reach the destination there are many obstacles to overcome. There is a step-by-step plan, which I have in mind and working through, but instead of making it feel like I am jumping through hoops I choose to walk through rose gardens full of arches alive with love and hope. I choose to enjoy every single step however difficult. I choose to remain at one arch at a time and not rush the journey of achieving sweet results awaiting at the end.

It is all about perception of a task or an event and it always helps to look deeper within allowing for signs and answers to come through. It is all about what we choose to align with and listen to whether it is generalised or highly individual. Nature facilitates that process for me always and there is nothing that I trust more than Nature, which activates my inner voice the most and connects it to the beating heart of what matters in that moment, that day, that week.

Much love

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