2020’s priceless gift to me

This past year has brought the biggest insight of my whole life and from their it felt like my life finally began. It has been a missing piece for so long and I will be forever grateful for the freedom that insight brought me.
I finally became aware that My biggest need is not to meet the needs of others. That is the truest, most profound realisation that myself had to hear. Everything that hasn’t worked hinged on me being unaware and not seeing this one truth for me.
This understanding of my greatest need and the cause of so much pain and sorrow in my life brought an end to my work as a therapist. The relief was like no other I had ever experienced, which was a confirmation of claiming my personal freedom back. Manifestations that followed only amplified the important of the piece of my unconscious self needing to die and I let it go gladly and openly with compassion and care for myself and gratitude for all the hours I spent helping others all my life.


They say a wounded healer is the best healer and that is true and unsurprising. As those of us, who feel deeply into everything, dwelling in our pain and of others, especially others, comes naturally, as natural as not knowing any other way of being, as natural as breathing. But is it good for us? No. Our freedom literally is always out of reach for as long as we put others ahead of ourselves always with no conditions and with an open willingness to sacrifice, to be there no matter what. In doing so we condemn ourselves to more pain, to more suffering and never ending cycles of going backwards looking for more pain, the more the better. It crates an environment and a hunger to seek the depths of despair and almost revel in it. They call it pain addiction.


I knew there was something else, something different that screamed to be born and that was allowing for things to end and let myself live. I literary had to save myself and to do that this anomaly, this other way had to come in. The death of it came naturally in 2020 in many ways with closure of many avenues due to pandemic, due to getting ill and not functioning it was a soothing voice of the universe telling me it was time. In death I was reborn and the wings that I long lost grew back again.


They say with each ending there’s a beginning and that has been true for me over and over. We have to be brave enough to include our own needs into equation and meet them. It takes a lifetime often, but it is what’s meant to happen at the end when we start the journey of paving the road back to self, back to life of not suffering and pain, but choosing joy, peace and a simple yet the most profound pleasure of being alive.


It’s been a year of insights and transformations for so many and it gives me such hope. May this evolution continue with each coming year and with more momentum and intensity till we can all say that we vow to live our best lives and create haven on earth whatever it might mean for each of us.

Last night’s vision

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Black creatures flew over the loch at dusk that planted me in watchful anticipation. They had bodies of herons, bat wings and a sense of ravens about them. They swirled beautifully over the water with their sharp-edged wings, circling in perfect harmony and then settled along the shore edge. The sky shone pink and grey and water sparked in approaching darkness. I held my breath waiting for something else to come out of this picturesque scenario. Out of a flock of this bird-like creatures a leader seemed to appear and as it unfolded its elegant, perfectly structured wings it grew in size and I sensed its leadership. It did not feel malevolent or threatening although there was a sense of caution in what was about to come. The creature’s movements were gentle and carefully placed. It was in no rush to reveal its message to me. I felt I had to really listen, but noticed resistance in my body straight away. What part of me was going to defy this creature’s message? Was I crazy? I watched in awe. I could clearly see bright light seeping from under its black feathery cloak. It was well protected and hidden and there was more darkness than light. I felt a stab of sadness remaining mesmerised by this creature’s beauty. It spoke:

“This is not the place for you, not yet, not now. Go towards the light, not darkness and embrace all that your life has to offer. This is not the place, as it drags you into the land’s wounds and you lose yourself. It is not what is meant for you, not at this point. Draw the light from within and move towards it. We are the guardians of the lake and there is darkness that is familiar to us, but it is not for you to dwel in, not yet. See your own light and take the cloak of what sorrows you off your shoulders. Do not come, do not wait, you are not one of us, not yet, may be not ever.”

I suddenly became aware of the amount of light within myself and a huge part just dying to throw itself forward in its rejection. It made sense yet it didn’t. Sadness entered me once more.

The queen bird took her slender body off the shore and into a graceful flight with her flock following in perfect formation over the lake. I didn’t feel relief. I stood bereft watching them fly away still not quite in possession of the insight, resisting it with all I have. This is going to be a continuous struggle and part of me wants it that way. Sad, hopeless, in chains…

‘De-railing’ effect in the collective

Do you feel like:

You are unable to ground whatever you try

Feeling lost, disconnected and disintegrated

In doubt of what you need and want

Seeking something constantly

Unable to find anything that helps

Values, believes and morals are being questioned in a big way

Death anxiety

Feeling anxious and vulnerable all the time

Inner child in distress or near-death situation

Unable to cope

Feeling restless and can’t focus on any one thing

Frantic feeling in the body, wanting to escape

Depressed and low

Persistent nightmares

And much more…

I have been feeling all of the above for the last two month since January began and what a shock? It feels merciless, confusing, unsettling and just unmanageable. I have been doing things I don’t normally do and on reflection it’s really striking the influence of these energies. If you are worried about this like I have been it is worth noting that these are energies, that even though expected 2019 signature, are playing out in the collective right now in a big way and it is not over yet. This year is going to be a tough one, but like all best lessons, this year’s ones will be most valuable in aiding us to move forward. Hold on tight

The hardest and incredibly strong pull and push is particularly around your realities and your spiritual or religious beliefs. If nothing else watch what happens there. Fascinating and can lead to all sorts of ‘deceiving’ outcomes.

Stay safe and well!

Present moment surrender

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Trusting the universe, all in good time, hard work and patience pay off. We all heard these sayings, but how good are we with a state of surrendering to the present moment really?

I have experienced this year in particular ‘a run away’ with my thoughts and emotions, that often threw me into a state of panic and anxiety and pulled me right out of the present moment. It is so very felt when I am not in the present moment these days. I feel like not just I am not living, but almost I am not breathing, loving, experiencing or feeling. The awareness in me is strong, however, thoughts are also powerful at times and push me into a turmoil of ‘what if’ rather than ‘what is’. I believe being with what is and really grounding in the present moment is one of the most important lessons again for this year. What is happening is that our awareness is becoming sharper and we are shown what we are potentially missing out on if we avoid, resist to what is currently happening to us and wanting to fast forward. It is also more difficult to do this year than before. That contrast in sharp awareness and increased difficulty in holding that present moment vibration is necessary. Things are highlighted so we really see what we need to see and also go beyond just seeing and understanding, but really feeling it with every sense. For example, my body is sharply aware of continual stress I am putting on it in the last two months, so I am physically feeling not great and problems manifest more and more yet I find it difficult to stop. When on holiday I was hit with sadness and grief when I realised I was not being with what was surrounding me and enjoying it, so my emotions were heightened as a result and as a way to show me that what I was being or doing didn’t serve what I could potentially experience if only I let go off resistance.

Today I am making a conscious decision to stop the run around, purposefully slow down, not to rush and allow the universe bring what is meant for me. I am putting my focus into surrendering, as it is so needed right now. One way of doing that, I feel intuitively, is creating a beautiful space around myself and sit in its energy for a while. Elements that ground me today and help me focus on what I am feeling in the body are soothing Celtic music, burning eucalyptus oil, which allows my airways to open up and take some deep breaths, as well as textures that I can explore with various crystals. When one is in touch with visual, smell, touch and auditory senses, I find it is beneficial to experiencing what is in the moment. We can also use words that we say out loud, a prayer, a poem or even a song, so we connect to the vibration of our own voice and really listen.

Blessings!

Cailleagh encounter

cailleach

The Goddess connection finally happened at the end of last year and today is the end she called to me, or rather my need for her was strong, so I called for her.

FOCUS she said walking around me crossly, her blue body emanating freezing chill. Her absent teeth and croak language not understood by a human ear. She told me to put my head forward exposing the back of my neck. She made gestures suggestive of clearing a space and it felt good her fingers touching my skin. I heard loudly Lavender/Juniper berry and Lemongrass.

She continued walking and sat against a rock opposite me continuing to whisper words unknown to me under her breath.

I came out in tears from this short and intense encounter knowing the chakra Cailleagh pointed towards is blocked and I must apply the oils she spoke of to it for today and the rest of the week.

They all represent love, health, protection and purification – common attributes of these oils mixed together.

The chakra at the back of the neck or Ta Chui is associated with a sense of self, self-esteem, career and a place in the world. This resonates more than I can tell you. These are exact issues I am currently facing and filled with self-doubt and somewhat sadness about whether what I have achieved is somehow enough, am I enough? FOCUS, she said.

What I did differently this morning?

I played Celtic music and used Invocation and read out Celtic devotionals sitting at my Altar. It felt empowering somewhat and I felt the need within me to encounter the Goddess. When I closed my eyes holding on to the stone from the sacred land she came instantly. What a fascinating and beautiful being she is. It is impossible to describe. She smelt like earth and herbs with her bright blue skin and toothless mouth she wore a lot of animal bones and feathers in her attire. She was short and small, but her arms long stretching into another dimension.

Feeling humbled and clearly told. I believe she attempted to smile towards the end and said ‘Remember who you are…’

Blessings!

Wizard’s crisis or awareness in destiny? 

 This post is filled with questions for further work and exploration. Questioning is a good thing, sorting through what comes into awareness is a useful process for us all.

Accepting the destiny of a wizard… Is it for the greater good or is it really just for indulgence and encouraging non-learning of human kindness and virtue in others?
Is it your destiny or simply a boundary issue? It got me thinking. I became aware of boundaries many years ago and truly understand the concept, however even with that knowing I seem to be called upon in times of trouble. Is it something I am to accept and embrace? Love has been another big lesson. Unconditional universal love which doesn’t judge. Judgement is another one. Lessons keep on coming.

Is it right for one person to bear all and forgive all? Sounds Godly, right? But what if some people are meant to follow the path of unconditional giving, acceptance and non-judgement. Ultimate healers, who in no way are above others but simply slot into healing way of being naturally. No doubt ego of humanity translates it as ‘above it all’ message, which is incorrect. Does one let others walk all over? What is the adjustment point? Perhaps this is a period of time when one is called into awareness of looking into it?

One sacrifices all in cause of greater good and finds a way always to get back to themselves, like recharging in the forest or does one withdraw its loving influence when unappreciated? The battle between ego and spirit? Is it even possible to exercise that kind of love on earth in that place of high vibrational consistency or is there a point one burns out and manifests all darkness within themselves through taking on too much from others?

Is it the price you pay for doing good? Is it even good enough? For those unconscious it will never be good enough but is it good enough from a wizard’s point of view?

I watch Merlin struggle in his efforts of saving the world and restoring peace yet he remains unrecognised and unappreciated? What does he get out of it? He talks of his destiny to do this, he struggles with surrendering to it yet he knows it deeply, he continues regardles, however painful. Is this what all wizards go through ultimately for love and peace? He inspires me.
Doesn’t one rejoice seeing others happy and restored to balance? Is this something healers do selflessly?

Lessons hierarchy:
Boundaries

Love

Importance of expressing anger

Recharging through the place of soul (land in my case)

Not surrendering to darkness but embrace it in loving kindness (shadow)

Inner child (comforting and protecting that part of yourself)

Importance of a safe place

Importance of withdrawing into non-action?

No punishment or retaliation

Holding peace within

Wizards’ work is never done.

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Yule Readings 

  

I am offering readings for a short period of time just before Yule, in time to hear what’s coming through and what needs to meet with the light ahead. 

Customised and personalised to your questions at the end of this difficult year. Big changes coming and shifts are about to take place. 

I will use a mixture of tools, creative techniques and most of all my intuition to bring messages to you from the source and your higher self.

Message me! 

~ Raw Pagan