Shadows at dawn

The pull of a new calendar year is strong, as if something in me can’t wait for a clean sheet of paper to start writing another story. It yarns for the taste of spring, for fresh changes. This is very much in the collective at this time of year and I do have some resistance to being caught up in the collective yearly pattern, as I know there isn’t a need to be in that place, yet here I am. Have you noticed how pictures of bluebells begin to pop up here and there around this time? People post them everywhere. It pulls us out of here and now in an instant and we begin to wonder.

Anger is often present for me during this month, which is one of those months I wait to be done with. The cycle of holidays every year and all that comes with it brings a lot of ‘don’t want to be part of it’ feelings. It is quite uncomfortable with a bitter taste that needs to digest and integrate before a new something is seen and experienced. I guess what I refer to is some shadow elements of the psyche is brewing on the surface of my unconscious and, yes, I do recognise it. It needs expression, but also containment. It is angry, expressive, violence-like, impulsive. It needs attention and love, but it doesn’t mean it is a nice picture to look at. It is often not and it can be loud especially in dreams when I know how to parcify it during waking hours.

Very similar in nature if you notice in certain places, like the one I just came from, e.g. everything was grey and not just in a way of rainy skies, but the whole atmosphere was covered with colour grey, dull and feeling like it’s not enjoying it. I describe this energetically, but visually it looks like a wet, old rag, for example, that can do with a bit of whiteness injected or a dirty water that’s stagnated. It needs renewing, refreshing.

If I was to describe it as a feeling in the body that would be stress, exhaustion, sleep deprivation, ‘bags under eyes’ type of presentation. It is a sort of wanting to rest yet being restless as monsters are moving within in the dark, under the ground.

I know the ‘beast’ very well although I haven’t seen it or heard for sometime. With me the triggers are stress and being stretched or asked to do things I don’t want to do. These have been running for years. During this time I also pick it up from others easily and that overwhelms me a great deal. December is like the remains of something, like the last residue of some unpleasant drink or wet ashes post fire.

This year has all been about doing things differently and the above patterns have also run their course. Enough is enough I’d say. There’s got to be another way of expressing shadow material so that it doesn’t just have its needs’s met and go back into a state of being parcified, but it has a chance to transform into or balance with the opposing force. Something is needed immediately as these things arise. More transforming and less keeping in awareness I’d say. I will give it a go next.

Happy 2019! Let it offer more explorations and awareness. Further success and achievements, more joy and satisfaction.

Samhain walk 


  
  

 

Wedding to the Land

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As I came up to the sixth gate of the underworld I had a sudden and unexpected, yet very clear, pull to take my wedding ring off. This was not planned. I took it off without hesitation and gave it away to the guard. I remember struggling to take it off, as my hand wouldn’t give. I had to be hard with it, as the purpose was way stronger than anything I wore on my body.

As I continued to the last gate preparing to un-robe I felt liberated, pure, uncluttered and in total surrender to death, to nothingness, to complete darkness where nothing and no one existed. I felt no fear, I knew I was meant to be there, I knew my purpose. It was to sacrifice my glowing heart to the Dark Goddess, so she could be touched to the depth of her soul. As she ripped my heart out of my chest and I crashed to the floor, she wept over the heart. I laid on the stone cold floor with my wolf Lizeal against my bare body. Silence, darkness, nothingness.

I spent all my dreaming night walking in my white robe through lands, using various means of transport to get somewhere. My husband, as my companion or rather a witness, remained silent and patient throughout. I dug my hands into the cool sand and wailed bowing to the ground as if saying good bye to myself. I was moaning the loss of the old, which is a stage not worth by-passing, it is all part of the initiation into new. Acknowledging your sorrow and vulnerability is part of the process and one must go with its mournful flow.

The next day, as I came back to life and was walking up to the world, at the sixth gate I picked up the ring, but it did not go back on my finger. I followed my intuition closely and the air was filled with strong intention. There was no choice in this, I was not in control, things were going to unfold and I was to go with it trusting and knowing of the higher purpose of this. I continued my journey up the stairs and back to the world and at the last gate where on my descent I surrendered my connection with the Land, I was again reunited with it and I wept with joy. Our connection was reaffirmed and solidified in marriage of souls and spirit. The ring I gave up on the way down went on my wedding finger and it felt just right. Light and pure and purposeful. The happiness that spread through me was immense and with tears of joy I bowed to the Earth that was to be my purpose, my soul, my spiritual partner for life.

I emerged from the underworld yesterday married to the land, to my life purpose, to my soul.

“I belong to the Land
I belong to the Earth
to the Moon and the stars
to lakes and mountains and mossy hills.
Let the Sun rise over the new dawn of wisdom and power
Let my voice be heard and my feet gently touch the ground
All come together as one whole
As Above, so is Below”