I don’t want to…

What is the thing that you would say out loud if you were 100% authentic even if just for a moment.

This is the most authentic I have ever been probably and I am saying it out loud and it feels incredibly liberating.

When I was small I was known for saying ‘I don’t want to’ a lot. I resisted, fought, defended whatever my heart held precious and I stubbornly stamped my feet in not wanting either doing or feeling. It applied to many things and now as an adult I understand that state of authenticity and I admire it in my inner little girl even though she lost that fight pretty early on, around five years old. The ‘I don’t want to’ got silenced for life I’d say, but the inner grumble never went away although compliance took over on a scale unimaginable to her but necessary for mere survival.

I never believed or ever will for as long as I live in suppression of emotions of any kind and going against your soul I consider a crime. I have always known that. Life had different ideas, hence a coat of sadness cling to me all my life as a knowing of what’s underneath. Physical beauty only intensified the pain within and the split between inner and outer always felt unbearable. This world always felt too difficult to be in, to handle, to operate and survive. I did. We all did in one way or another. It’s not all bad, of course it’s not, as moments of sheer ecstasy and happiness did come and I can count them on one hand and remember each and every one of them like it was yesterday and always will.

So, last night I wrote this, which brought back the ‘I don’t want to’ back and this time it is near to stay, to speak out loud without shame, worry, care or fear of any kind.

What would you say ‘I don’t want to’ today to help bring yourself back home, to a state where you know yourself as best you can and there are no more cover ups or excuses, only truth, your truth!

Freedom or connection?

Extinction or restoration?

Been in conflict with this since last year and extinction is so wanted. Tired, don’t want to do it, want to be free, not in connection with anyone, don’t want to help or rescue anyone, too hard.

Freedom/death/no more/no faith in humanity/not up to me/don’t want the responsibility

But I am called to do this because apparently someone thinks that I can. Restoration needed

You have got to heal how to be a mother – wow, not that again, don’t want to

I need to be in the right place to activate this, to heal this. No, I don’t. I don’t want to

Ultimately I don’t want to even engage with it let alone dive into it aiming to heal. I feel like I am done and whatever is left will always be and I am ok. Freedom and peace is what I want. I am tired of this world and just want to enjoy whats left for me and my family.

Burn out that’s reached its ultimate peak. All the things that defined me in a forceful way but were never me and what I wanted are now surrendering and giving up. Enough they say, we are not doing it, we are not moving. Stubborn energy and some might relate to it as selfish but to me it is like a defence in the name of my authenticity. It is not avoidance or resistance it is a very firm NO. I really really really don’t want to be there for others when I don’t want or need to be. I want to do nothing. My wants are minimal, very simple and singular. I want to sit in a chair for hours and just look at the trees outside. I want to walk from

Room to room with no particular purpose, I want to write some words and fall into the flow and don’t come out of it till I want to come out of it not when I am expected to break it or interrupted to break it. With a sigh and an inner grumble I do but I don’t want to. I don’t need or want a purpose to define my being here on earth at this time. I don’t need to be somewhere with someone doing something I no longer need to fulfil needs and wants of someone else or an idea that I should. It’s stupid to me and when I have to do it I don’t feel great even though I have to. It doesn’t give me pleasure or joy or anything I’d call fulfilment really because I want none of that and never wanted it really. It all just happened, I fell into many traps and often consciously because that’s what everyone does and blah blah blah. It is boring to me, pointless, flat and dull.

I am also quite tired of discussing it, debating it, going over it like a wound that will never heal and I know it won’t until I stop picking at it and just Forget it is there. It wants to be forgotten too I think. It doesn’t want to be a reminder either. We all want peace and that’s as simple as that. I am not driven to save the world, I am not in a chase after recognition or validation or approval. It gives no value to my life at all. I want don’t need any of that. What I want is just be, observe, be present with my surroundings and write my reflections on what I see, feel and think. I don’t want to make an impact or earn a lot of money or worry about things like school and politics and society in general. Island is my favourite type of land for dwelling where I literally feel cut off and unreachable by anyone or anything. I want to be felt like I am far away or not even existing. I want to be in that sort of hiding and not be interrupted by life as others know it or think it should be. I want little, hardly anything.

Frustration grows in me with this life. I am pushed and pulled and demanded upon and I do love my boys and I am lucky as they understand my need for being, just being with not needing to attach to anything. I do like looking after them but often I don’t want to and that’s ok. We all get it and I am grateful for that.

Darkness receding

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Don’t you love the return of the light or do you prefer the warmth of the dark, comfy burrow that sustained you and your spark during winter? I love winter and its creative fire that it always brings with it. My energy is high, my intuition is sharp and my productivity flows seamlessly, as if it is meant to be that way. I have always loved the feeling of being contained, warm and nourished by the darkness and embraced its gifts.

I am opening up to light in the last week or so, curious about what it might bring. New beginnings on the horizon again, new growth, new stretching into actions, planting seeds. I also love early spring, its gentle and tentative appearance in a form of small yet vibrant flowers beginning to peep through the soil. I welcome those signs fully. There is something very delicate and innocent about early spring, as it is time of the Maiden. By the end of March she will be in full force with her presence upon the land and life will begin to burst fully in being.

What a fantastically rich winter it has been for me. From November until now I have not stopped in terms of being creative and productive. This period of time has gone very fast for me and I am excited beyond belief at achievements, collaborations and creative projects that have materialised. Beautiful period of time that also felt completely new and different, like life took up a gear and the direction I was going was exciting and way more challenging than before, but so rewarding. My belief in things aligning, divine timing and trusting my own intuitive knowing has strengthened hugely in the last three months, as things that had occurred could not have been made up or prepared for. It flowed just like it was meant to be. I have learnt to trust that flow and also enjoy it fully, to the last ounce. Offerings that feel the most nourishing to the soul, when they come, transform everything around and propel one into doing things seemingly impossible, yet there is this confidence, inner knowing and complete faith in doing something that will bring a warm and nourishing feeling.

Writing is such an activity for me that makes me feel like nothing else does. It is rich, delicious, warm, satisfying, all consuming. It is that one thing that when I I do it I don’t think of anything or anyone else. Time and space disappears. I have been learning so much.

My devotional to the land in a poetry chapbook came out last week SOUL LAND and it felt very containing, summarising somewhat, having put it all together it is a cosy feeling of achievement and most importantly self-expression that meant the world to me. I hope more people enjoy my spiritual/transpersonal love letter to the land and resonate with its contents. If you love Scotland, feel deeply connected to the land (any land), see nature as an integral part of our soul and enjoy raw and emotional words, the chapbook is for you.

Here I am, this morning sitting in my writing office, thinking of the next project and letting my intuition guide me. I have two new ideas in the pipeline, which I made a start on, but there is no rush, particularly during the next couple of weeks when we are called to be with ourselves before we are called into action again towards the Equinox.

If anybody interested in hearing about my experience on self-publishing vs traditional publishing, let me know in the comments. This year I am trying both ways and so far, I am more of a traditional publishing person (currently under contract with Moon Books) for sure. Self-publishing is a complex, expensive and not an easy option, but it is very individual. See what works for you. I will post some more updates on both types of publishing.

Enjoy the New Moon and let things come up to the surface gently. Observe the dreams, as we come out of the dark moon lighting into illumination of all things in a week or so.

Much love and many blessings!

Raw Nature Spirit

Please follow me on Instagram for updates on my writing and nature walks

Image: Scotland in winter

Winter and self-containment

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The lesson, new and fresh and perfectly framed, that I have experienced lately was of a thing called self-containment. It is visual for me, as well as, sensory in the body. I tap more into it when I dance, for example. Self-containment is a space where nothing and no one can access you or affect you to describe it in simple terms, but, of course, it is more than that. It feels wonderful. It is one of those states that bring peace, pleasure, calm and divinity into it. I have known this before in a different way with other things, but this is a new one. Perhaps it is not new but simply another one that has a clear frame, structure, name and vibration. It is soul-centred, but in a very human way and I suspect when in this embodiment of self-containment others around you will get affected and not just that, but they will be able to join in with it in their own way and much easier that through anything else. There is, therefore, huge potential in it for yourself and others around you. I am in love with the feeling of it. It has an orangey/pinkie colour to me like a ball or an egg that has edges, but they are allowing, flexing, moving yet protective. I find that this coming out in winter is very on point and relevant, as what does it mean for us to have a space of our own, a ‘womb-like’ state of ecstasy where we are away from it all yet connected. If we picture winter as our psychic underground space, dark and contained, this comes up in line with that only keeping our connection to our ‘new, birth-like, spring-like’ state alive. It has light in it, sunshine and warmth, but the wisdom of the darkness. We are essentially untouchable once we discover us, as unique us, no one else is like that, nothing else is like that in existence. You are YOU and only YOU. It is original, utterly beautiful and powerful in terms of being a gift towards life. Being able to incorporate this state into our lives, although, I suspect, it does not come up always or willingly, but trust that it will when you need it, can change things. It can slow things down, offer reflection and focus. We could ask for it whenever we feel pushed and pulled and overwhelmed, when things are demanded of us without a thought for whether we are ready to offer. It is that ‘stop’, wrap yourself up in YOU, bring yourself back to the centre, stay there for a bit and decide if you want to come out or not when you decide or not. It is a protective something, a covering, a vessel, a container that we can invoke and settle into it while we figure things out.

Winter is a rich gift. I will not tire of saying it over and over. Things must be dark and quiet and still in order for what needs to be clear and in view to be seen properly, in its naked form, in its broken form, in its expansive form. Like a voice in an expansive space of mountain or a valley, it needs expression, but for that to happen we need ‘the death’ of bubbling life internal and external, we need to see, hear and feel without being overwhelmed.

Image: earthporn.org

Life purpose redefined

Have you tapped into your life purpose via automatic programming or through the call of your soul? Those are two different things entirely.

It occurred to me the other day that stories that we tell ourselves are very often resonate with us because our minds, although useful, are very skilful at tricking us, convincing us that something is true. It is particularly true when a mind is given power over the heart and how we feel, or we by-pass the heart when making a decision or want to know if something is true for us. This is living a life through old patterns and conditions, I.e. ‘what we should be doing’, spoken in a voice not our own.

There’s a subtle energy that, however, remains waiting to be heard and I tapped into that subtlety lately that as soon as I considered an alternative magnified in its true form. This energy is a stirring of your soul, your inner voice wanting to be heard. This is your soul calling.

The times we are in right now are interesting in a way that these subtle energies I speak of are surfacing again and again, like a message in a dream that repeats. All it wants is to catch our attention so we just might change our view on the truth that we have been living.

I have come to be aware of falling into ‘conditioning’ life purpose rather than a soul purpose. It is now so clear, so what is required is a complete redefining how I serve and be here and now. It doesn’t mean everything needs to be thrown out, no, but a fine-tuning and a change in where the truth comes from (soul centre) needs to come forth. Work with me if you are curious to find out for yourself if your life purpose you desire or living is in alignment with what your soul wants. Work with me

Times we are in right now are pure gold in a way of inviting us to transform, showing us that certain patterns no longer work as we keep on bumping into the same blocks, same stuckness over and over. It is time this cycle expired. One way that works solidly is asking yourself, as a practice, every morning ‘what does my soul want, need and ask for’? Begin the flow of each day from a place of your soul and not a pattern of what ‘should be’ or expected of you. See if messages new and refreshing start coming in and change the way you feel.

I found this process of looking at my life purpose from a different perspective so illuminating and encouraging. I feel grateful for his particular insight that feels like a long way coming. Remember one thing – Soul always includes you in the equation and if you have not been including yourself into the whole life purpose habitually over and over that is one sign you might be falling into a trap of a life purpose expected of you rather than what your soul calls you to do. Big difference between the two.

Happy exploration.

‘De-railing’ effect in the collective

Do you feel like:

You are unable to ground whatever you try

Feeling lost, disconnected and disintegrated

In doubt of what you need and want

Seeking something constantly

Unable to find anything that helps

Values, believes and morals are being questioned in a big way

Death anxiety

Feeling anxious and vulnerable all the time

Inner child in distress or near-death situation

Unable to cope

Feeling restless and can’t focus on any one thing

Frantic feeling in the body, wanting to escape

Depressed and low

Persistent nightmares

And much more…

I have been feeling all of the above for the last two month since January began and what a shock? It feels merciless, confusing, unsettling and just unmanageable. I have been doing things I don’t normally do and on reflection it’s really striking the influence of these energies. If you are worried about this like I have been it is worth noting that these are energies, that even though expected 2019 signature, are playing out in the collective right now in a big way and it is not over yet. This year is going to be a tough one, but like all best lessons, this year’s ones will be most valuable in aiding us to move forward. Hold on tight

The hardest and incredibly strong pull and push is particularly around your realities and your spiritual or religious beliefs. If nothing else watch what happens there. Fascinating and can lead to all sorts of ‘deceiving’ outcomes.

Stay safe and well!

Potential is there…

As a new dawn rises over the horizon every morning and root tunnels under a tree in winter begin to stir in anticipation of a new beginning we know of our own potential to start again, to achieve and to grow. As in nature so is in our soul. There is no difference in processes that are within us and out in the natural world.

‘Don’t have time’ is a myth. Time is time and we are in control of what we do with it. When we say we don’t have time it might just mean we are using it on things non-essential or overwhelming ourselves with things that can either be delegated, postponed or even stopped all together.

‘When I have more time’ is an excuse. More time may mean you will do anything but what you say you want to do. More time can also mean less focus and discipline, less structure. Heard of deadlines? I like those as they provide containment for tasks and endeavours and focus efforts and mind on a task therefore often less time or the perception of it can be beneficial to show you how good you can be in consolidating efforts and focusing.

If we want something badly enough we will find the time, always, one way or another. That’s my experience and I am sure many would join me in that. It might take some time to get to that point but mostly it is all in our minds and how we look at it rather than actual time available to us.

Human cognitive constructs keep us back and away from achieving things we are sure capable of if it wasn’t for our mind’s constant talk and us believing its every word. We trap ourselves without realising. What about if we change our perception of our thoughts, we evaluate them as and when they come up. Do we really believe what it’s saying to us on a regular basis. Do we realise that not only we don’t have to listen we can also disagree, ignore and redefine a few beliefs to benefit our moving forward. Here’s an idea. It is all possible.

Realising that whatever is desired within reach is a truly liberating feeling that resides between a heart and a stomach in the body. It has a vibrant, warming sensation with it that can ignite a self-belief and in turn fire up the mind in a way that is focused and purposeful. Our potential is boundless and as we travel we find it out in one way or another. Yes, it requires work and determination, but sometimes things just flow in and out of our experience with ease and comfort. It is in allowing for anything and everything to come in so we can make decisions in which direction we go. Choices are provided and if we are brave enough to take them up we can grow and complete things we want.