Category: Sacred love

Eternal love

.Reading time 3 minutes.

I knew a love once that if my heart was to burst it would give birth to a million stars

I knew a love once that if a touch was to happen a merging of the two would explode into a scene of stunning beauty

I knew a love once that the warmth and tenderness of the offering would forever shelter all broken hearts and loneliness would not exist

The unconditional holding would melt into a moulding of a beauty unspeakable

I knew a love once that tears would flow with ecstasy through every cell of my body and shake one into a glorious being

I knew a love once that forever will visit my land of dreaming reminding me it lives on, it cries on and the embrace of it promises eternal comfort and joy

Throughout the years I have had dreams of profound love that can only be described as sacred and pure in its essence. The dreams would point towards the love living within me that can never be broken, taken away or forgotten. Those dreams wake me up in tears, calm and soothing, joyful and yearning, sad and glorious. As in my dreams I get close to the object representing that love, a side of myself, there is fear and deep knowing that should I touch it and inhale its smell the drowning in love would spread beyond everything I have ever known, beyond this world.

Often these dreams had come in times of emotional trouble as if a reassurance that there’s a force within beyond my comprehension. I struggle to describe the power of it. It is good to know that more frequently it comes when things are settled as if to offer me that sacred touch, the next level of getting closer to it and it confirms it is closer than I think. It is within an extension of my arm, a slight movement of my hand yet the potential of ecstasy is undeniably exciting, terrifying and utterly consuming that I lose my breath every time I make that move towards the inner divinity that shows itself to me in my dreams.

Last night I had the dream. As nature speaks of the union of masculine and feminine from May onwards so does my psyche joins in balance and works towards a culmination of potential flourishing and the re-birth. As the Sun rises to its peak in the next few weeks so do we remain in grateful watching of unfolding the forces within ourselves

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Renewed signature of Beltain 2018

.Reading time 5 minutes.

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Beltain this year has been anticipated, which is very in contrast to my usually triggered time associated with the festival. This year everything is newly born, all is different and surrounded and supported by an overarching signature of love and devotion. It has been a truly beautiful energy to immerse in and integrate it as a permanent knowing of what is possible. My usual rejection of the masculine instead turned into curiosity, invitation, some risk taking even and exploration this year.

In my dream the other night multiple memories popped up around various encounters that span throughout my life and I have seen a side of myself, which had long been buried, suppressed, yet this year it is all coming out around this divine timing. I was equally shocked, revived and marvelled at material that jumped out of my unconscious – a wild, fearless, playful, seductive and very relation part of myself stood right in front of me in a kaleidoscope of engagements with the masculine. My sense is now that once again she feels safe in the current union and secure in herself to come out in the open. I also know that the male would very much welcome her in a dance of a deep and passionate connection. She does have passion in buckets.

Love, sex, passion, commitment, tenderness, togetherness, attentive engagement and deeper understanding. Receiving, not rejecting. Compassionate, not cruel. Silently wise, not abusive and loud. Showing and guiding, not expecting. These are vibrations that are present in the current feminine signature of today’s Beltain for me.

In the whole elemental confusion and sorting there is clarify. In recent weeks a lot happened that led me to an even deeper connection to the masculine in my life. I used to say I’d take my soul connection to the land over my commitment to a man. I felt disconnected, resentful, in a place of my wounded Maiden, my scarred May queen. But when the ring I used in ‘a descent to the underworld’ ceremony a few year ago when I ‘married’ the land of my soul, got ruined in water (profound), it felt significant and worth noticing.

When away in Cornwall early last month and not feeling in alignment with the place I also clearly saw my man’s connection to it and it made me re-think both, my commitment to the land of my soul and to him. For the first time in years he came first. I felt and knew it. What I came to realise that letting him be is something unquestionable and all I can do is find another way to say in connection to the land and get that rooted nourishment I crave so often, but not sacrificing what I have in other areas. This lessons had been a long time coming and now it is grounded.

My engagement ring went back on my finger today, before Beltain fires are lit and it now feels right once again. Looking at the ring it is as if seeing it for the first time with a renewed wisdom of its meaning. It has four corners, complete and simple, it signifies my renewed union.

In your Beltain dance of Firy love and passion tonight let things unfold and be. Set yourself and your man free and, perhaps, through releasing and letting things ‘grow and germinate naturally’ a flow of something else will join the river of what is life as it is right now for your both, forever open and inviting to the energies of nature. As above, so below, as within so is out!

Blessed Beltain!

previous years’ posts

My Beltaine darkness

Beltaine 2016 

 

The winter of love

.Reading time 7 minutes.

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The next couple of posts are significant in recording my journey towards ‘home’, myself and wholeness this year. It was crystal clear towards the end of 2017 that 2018 was to be the year of doing things completely differently, stepping out of life as we know it, as we created it, looking outside the box and leaving your comfort zone. It makes me realise now how important it is to align with the yearly signatures, as when in the same flow and not resisting, avoiding or going against, it aids our progression. Often all that is needed is readiness to listen, to change and embrace all the qualities within us as facilitators on our journey. As Alfred Adler said that it is not about surrendering to your safety zone supported by safe guiding behaviours, i.e. not believing that you can change and keeping yourself blocked indefinitely using the same ways of being over and over, “withdrawing from the challenge of life”. It is about facing life head on, adopting a more courageous approach. We are capable of courageous behaviour provided we are willing to engage in it. This resonates with the process of psychotherapy, which is a journey one undertakes towards adopting and cultivating a more courageous, engaging approach to life, working towards changes that are needed for a more fulfilling life. Over and over I have witnessed clients stepping courageously into areas of great difficulty and facing life head on. It makes my job a very rewarding and humbling experience to bear witness to human resilience and strength of spirit.

So, 2018 is such year when the space is open for us to step into with an open heart and an attitude of something different. I have found this process extremely revealing about the potential within and one that puts you in touch with the whole of your personality. All that is needed is openness and willingness to engage.

My 2018 winter has been profoundly peaceful, calm and gentle time. For the first time in years it was very different. Usually it is a Fire element space for me when I am dynamic, energetic and very productive, a time I engage with various projects and manifest a lot. Not this year. I counsciously decided to stay ‘still’. It almost effortlessly unfolded into a process of me connecting to my heart centre and sides of myself I had not experienced for as long as I remember. I have not felt my own niceness or softness, e.g. for such a long time I forgot, therefore this feeling was new, different yet also imbedded in the knowledge that it was there all along within me. The book that I spent reading throughout winter sang to my heart gently and with each page I felt my being becoming lighter, more open, and softer and engaged with LOVE.

Freeing the Heart (2001) 

After seven years of painstakingly difficult process of opening my heart I felt I was finally there and I still am today. Throughout my life I went through experiencing transcendent love towards another, which stood the test of time. I also visited places completely devoid of love. I spent frequent days of terror not knowing if I was ever to come back from that place where love didn’t exist. Again and again I felt love abandoning me and literary forgetting what that was and feeling nothing for anyone for periods of time. I can truly say that was always one of the scariest experiences in my life, you see, I never knew if love would come back and that felt terrifying. My heart disappeared. Images that I went through in my journey was heart in a cage, bleeding, having a huge piece of glass wedged into it, shrunk heart, a stone and many more. You can read other posts on my blog about my work with connecting with the heart.

This winter I fell in love with my husband and my son all over again in a way I hadn’t felt before. There was deep sense of acceptance and compassion. It was a place where conditions didn’t exist and all I had was a beautiful flow of being present with love minute after minute, day after day. The world around me appeared the same yet my heart was lighter witnessing things much slower, which previously would have thrown me into places uninviting. Most of all I started to ‘fall in love’ with myself, more precisely becoming aware of my essential qualities, my ability to love, give and participate in life in a way that flows not blocks or rejects. It is difficult to put into words and I can only say that this was profound, new, transformative and beautiful. It was as if I was transforming, but actually I was merging back into the self I always was and meant to be.

I noticed how my mind calmed and as it did my heart began to grow open and it no longer felt scary or unsafe. It felt like I was home. In terms of the elements I would connect it to Water element most of all and this winter it was all about water element in its purest form. My opening of the heart was steady, slow, gentle like a bubbling brook in a forest or a small river gently flowing through land. It was not a forceful roar of the ocean or crashing waves of the sea. This makes sense to me. Water has been my shadow element for as long as I remember. It is also my birth element. Aligning and merging with my own Water element made the process of coming home even sweeter.

Elemental forward movement and healing for 2018

.Reading time 5 minutes.

sacred feminine water element

This one is particularly relevant to women of our times and at this point it is becoming clearer and profoundly important to step into a vibration that is required to bring up the most of our potential. As we heal from inside out the light of consciousness will strengthen to support our own intentions and goals aimed at the whole world and everything around us.

For a long time we have been living in a state of suppressed feminine, shamed, required to be hidden and riddled with shame. Women have not been welcomed in their authentic expression and were expected not to be seen or heard. As a result women had learnt to sign up to a signature of self-hatred, feeling ashamed of their emotions and resent their physical bodies and continuously becoming more and more lost. Well, over the last few years women have been rising stronger and more confident, waking up to their abilities, powers and heart-centred purpose here on Earth.

In elemental terms when feminine is wounded continuously, a complex trauma is created in a female being to the extent that she becomes distorted. What arises in a way of defence and coping as a result is a distorted masculine, which is ruthless, aggressive and brutal in words, open in actions and behaviour devoid of grace, modesty and all softness. Feminine energy becomes frozen or dried up and the flow is interrupted, intuition is banished and is looked upon as weak and useless. Action, power and an overpowering voice of the masculine becomes predominant. Paradoxically this is exactly what had been wanted, women silenced and/or turned into ‘male’ versions. This is an element of Fire, but in its distorted position where passion is used to destroy another, determination is directed towards trampling over everything and everyone to reach goals. It is harsh and burning.

When we think of water (a natural element of the feminine), it is powerful too. It is flexible and adaptable. It fits into any shape and give life to things as it flows into various manifestations of itself. It is soothing, calming and gentle in its natural, healthy position. It is nourishing to the body and soul. It is open to reflection and contemplation and encouraging in creating new ways of being and flowing with the energy that is most natural. This what has been lost, however, more and more women are claiming their Water back and about time.

This coming year the signature and goal is not only physical health of the feminine and learning to love ourselves as we are, learning to honour our flow and shapes and dance in the knowing of our own beauty, the goal is also stepping back into softness and gentle handling of ourselves, others and all life around us. Kindness, intuition, wisdom, silence and deep soulful presence are all qualities women are called to awaken. Every woman possesses the power of Water and it is needed today more than ever before. Water calms Fire, soothes old wounds and encourages healing.

What comes up for me always and recently when I seek to align with the softness of the feminine is an archetype of a deer, a white delicate creature of the woods. It is not a big stag, but a soft female, which is my primary spirit animal. It is also in alignment with my 5th plane self and this is truly sacred to me. Whenever they come to me more often I know what is required and I feel it deep in my sacral and solar plexus chakras the forward movement that is needed for the overall benefit and good in the world.

Be kind, be soft, be silent in a way only a wise feminine knows how. Connect with the eternal power of intuition that resides within us all and rest assured internal light will lead us to a place of peace, joy and overall balance.

Memories in the snow

.Reading time 3 minutes.

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I woke up from a dream of being back in my Siberian land. Dreams that take me there are always set in winter. Most of my childhood and youth’s significant events happened in winter and amidst snow and remain the most memorable to this day. Sledging with friends in freezing temperatures when we couldn’t feel our faces, hands and feet, yet incredibly happy and full of joys of childhood. My first kiss, awkward, yet warm and sweet. The day I let him go also took place in the middle of winter with me crying in the bright light of street lamps and snow sparkling all around us. I remember my blue mascara running down my cheek as if it was yesterday and the smell of his winter coat as he pulled me close to his chest. I remember his heart beat as we said good-bye.

I recall ice-skating with my father and falling into the deep snow, up to my waist, in the wilderness forest. We laughed a lot. Another kiss takes me back to a sacred place where memories stand still and not just my own, but for the whole nation. Wearing white hat and mittens in a cream coloured coat I was deeply in love.

As I walked to the window this morning I was greeted with a snow-covered garden and land beyond. Beautiful. It continued to snow all morning and I decided to go into the forest for some nature and elements communion. I always feel it is such a raw, spiritual and necessary experience to immerse yourself in the elements be it rain, snow, sunshine or wind. Each element awakens something within, touches upon places that need to be visited to remind us of what is essential and where we are in life. Crunchy under my feet I found snow and pure white landscape stretching ahead taking me further into my memories and on a journey of seeing and feeling things I hold dear to my heart. Memories flooded in like a bitter-sweet river and looking around me I smiled also feeling a smidge of sadness in my heart. He is long gone, but what he left is a place within me that is unconditional love and to this day I carry it inside and always will. Forest was noisy with splats and swooshing sounds of snow falling off branches. Many trees were bent down under the snow weight touching the ground. I stopped and breathed it all in. I miss him still and I remember everything like it was yesterday. Sadness filled my heart, but it is no longer grief or longing, it is settled and contained, warm and alive. It is love, forever.

I love it so much it hurts

.Reading time 4 minutes.

I love it so much it hurts. The land welcomes me this time with open arms and I feel nothing but warmth and nurture. I feel at home and I instantly recognise that familiar smell of the land, which I know well. It is raining and I am in my element of gentle water standing on a lake shore watching gentle giants mountains hugging the shore. I touch the water, it is clear and crispy cold and through my body pure joy spreads. It is a dance of recognition, which I feel a lot stronger this time round. While my husband looks nostalgic for hot weather and home, I am home. I tell him that most of my happiest memories took place either in rain or snow and I acknowledge that link and it makes sense.

Isle of Mull – lush and green with landscape showing off its mountains, valleys, lochs, forests and sea. It is such a mixture of the elements that makes it so rich. It is incredibly peaceful here like nowhere else I had felt in Scotland so far; well, perhaps, only the first time in Perthshire where my love for the land first stuck me. We are staying in the middle of nowhere and it feels so safe to me here. It feels like no one and nothing would find me here and if I was to stay I would be happy for the rest of my days. My heart begins to ache along with joy I cry inside for wanting to merge with the land forever. It hurts in my chest and with each breath I can’t seem to get enough. That feeling of safety is a new one, as previously while in Scotland I have always felt conflicted and often anxious, even scared. Not this time. Here I have come into myself somehow and the land here is so gentle in comparison with Northern Highlands or the Isle of Skye, e.g. Those places activated my shadow material and threw me into an emotional turmoil amidst some deeply spiritual experiences. The land there is fierce, wild, unforgiving and untouchable in its stunning beauty. It is majestic and independent. Here I am held, firmly and I can hear the land speaking to me. It is gentle and soothing. Vibration is of softness and it touches on places within me much lighter and happier. This reflects in our relational dynamics between the boys and me. Our trip was very different this time round like we all tapped into a gentler way of being with one another, there is less conflict and more recognition and acknowledgment of needs all around.

Standing in the garden I witness deer coming in closer grazing on lush green vegetation surrounding the house. It is a beautiful sight and they stop and stare at me in silent pause. God it is so peaceful here! Even deer is different here compared to imposing huge stags of the Highlands. These deer are gentler and smaller and devoid of antler crowns. My response to them is also strikingly different, less of knee shaking awe and worship-like way of witnessing them, it is quieter, softer and more ‘homely’ somewhat. As I lie in bed looking out of the window with views to die for I feel my heart beating with such love. It is intense and aching, as I already know how hard it will be leaving this land in a few days.

International Women’s day 2017

.Reading time 9 minutes.

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Today feels like a Sabbat to me, a day full of significance and reverence. It feels sacred in some way with the energy of peaceful flow about it. The first phone call I receive this morning was from my father, as always. He was full of kind, warm congratulations and humour and I felt his genuine connection to the day and to me. There was also a sense of tradition and knowing about the ritual of the phone call and acknowledging the day by giving and receiving. I became curious about this new energy of significance and sacredness that is very present for me today, which feels in addition to the known and traditional like the phone call. Its presentation intrigues me and I decide to embrace it. Insights follow one by one in quick succession and I feel my chest spreading wide and open in deep breath and my heart vibrates with light and power.

I realise what this day means to me today, this year, at this point in my life and I reflect on what it used to be and how today is different. There are several layers to what is happening:

  • recently coming into an archetype of a mother and truly grounding in it
  • ancestral motives and influences
  • Druid practice of honouring ancestors
  • the energy of a new way of being this year and redefining my purpose and creating new pathways into my daily life
  • masculine within and my relationship to it

The 8th of March is my mother’s favourite day of the year. That was always clear and she adores this day she calls a celebration of spring. My mother loves flowers and she is full of love. She is often referred by me as the ‘perfect’ manifestation of what it means to be a woman. It is being confirmed to me more and more as years go by and as I, myself, get older. She always aligned with this holiday naturally and there was a certain glow about her on this day that I can only relate to as love and light, surrender, soft flow.

In Russia where I come from today is a celebration of all things feminine and all things woman. It is a national holiday and a celebration of the beginning of spring, it is about blooming of the feminine and honouring the power of the female energy. Men are very much involved in this celebration by taking on a role of a ‘worshipper’ of all things feminine. There is a romantic feeling to the day. Energies acknowledged and bowed to are a baby girl, child, sibling, grandchild, sister, young woman, niece, female cousin, mother, girlfriend, grandmother, aunt, best friend – no female ‘role’ is left out. This suddenly feels hugely significant to me and I begin to appreciate the deeper meaning of this day’s presentation and celebration. The whole of female deity is celebrated with men honouring a woman in all shapes and sizes, in all manifestations. They give presents, cards and flowers. I remember being in school and the class would be divided in boys and girls and the boys would present the girls with gifts and poems and when in high school there will be romantic associations with who gives who flowers, often done in secret even. Men are very much involved and take on a role of a romantic heroes almost in service to the feminine. This day is important to me in terms of what that meant in the past and how it is still celebrated in the land of my birth and how I can be part of it now and going forward on an even deeper level. This is what I am feeling today, a deeper meaning for me.

This year, 2017, is all about redefining the old, things we attached to and got used to for a long time not working out anymore. There is this need to renew, grow in ways unfamiliar and novel, explore paths we had never taken before. It is exciting and experiences feel truly new and fresh. It is such a different energy, which is present this year, which makes the journey very enjoyable and curiosity is always in operation. At the beginning of the year I decided in line with these energies to look at my spiritual practice with new eyes. I decided to flip things on its head and do something different, e.g. I decided to explore the Sun energy and redefine my relation with the summer (see POST here). I also consciously aim to experience my spring differently this year and really not succumb to ways of the old, which I am aware of. It is not about ignoring, it is creating something new alongside acknowledging the old. My intention of looking anew at my celebrations and rituals includes looking at each Sabbat individually and let it flow through me. So far, Imbolc this year was, indeed, different and it aligned for me with the New Moon and quick manifestation of my intention. It put me in touch with my inner power, my intuition and reconfirmed the support that is available to me through Brigit, who is always present for me at that time (see POST here). It also highlighted qualities of my younger self, my maiden energy.

Today, I am finding out, is another new thing that is coming into my practice through how I feel. My definition and confirmation of the 8th March and its meaning and also ways of integrating this day into my practice. It feels important and significant for me at this time. I am looking at honouring the Goddess in its four manifestations (see POST here). It is the day when I am feeling all four very present, united and holding love for the whole of feminine power. It is the day when they are not separate or playing out their roles in individual presentation, they are truly together today and this feels wonderful. I experience a child, a maiden, a mother and crone all together in one day, which points me towards celebration of all those within me and outside of me. In terms of ancestors and linking it with my new Druid practice of honouring, this is a great opportunity to remember my sister, my grandmother, my best friend and all females, who had huge influence on my life throughout the years and had passed. It is a chance to bow to their deep presence within me and remember. This is new for me this year. This feels big.

Today feels like another celebration to add to the wheel of my year and I believe it is here to stay. I go to my altar and I create a space to feel love for all that is female, for all that is power of love and creation, for the Goddess within.

Triple Goddess