Category: Sacred love

The winter of love

.Reading time 7 minutes.

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The next couple of posts are significant in recording my journey towards ‘home’, myself and wholeness this year. It was crystal clear towards the end of 2017 that 2018 was to be the year of doing things completely differently, stepping out of life as we know it, as we created it, looking outside the box and leaving your comfort zone. It makes me realise now how important it is to align with the yearly signatures, as when in the same flow and not resisting, avoiding or going against, it aids our progression. Often all that is needed is readiness to listen, to change and embrace all the qualities within us as facilitators on our journey. As Alfred Adler said that it is not about surrendering to your safety zone supported by safe guiding behaviours, i.e. not believing that you can change and keeping yourself blocked indefinitely using the same ways of being over and over, “withdrawing from the challenge of life”. It is about facing life head on, adopting a more courageous approach. We are capable of courageous behaviour provided we are willing to engage in it. This resonates with the process of psychotherapy, which is a journey one undertakes towards adopting and cultivating a more courageous, engaging approach to life, working towards changes that are needed for a more fulfilling life. Over and over I have witnessed clients stepping courageously into areas of great difficulty and facing life head on. It makes my job a very rewarding and humbling experience to bear witness to human resilience and strength of spirit.

So, 2018 is such year when the space is open for us to step into with an open heart and an attitude of something different. I have found this process extremely revealing about the potential within and one that puts you in touch with the whole of your personality. All that is needed is openness and willingness to engage.

My 2018 winter has been profoundly peaceful, calm and gentle time. For the first time in years it was very different. Usually it is a Fire element space for me when I am dynamic, energetic and very productive, a time I engage with various projects and manifest a lot. Not this year. I counsciously decided to stay ‘still’. It almost effortlessly unfolded into a process of me connecting to my heart centre and sides of myself I had not experienced for as long as I remember. I have not felt my own niceness or softness, e.g. for such a long time I forgot, therefore this feeling was new, different yet also imbedded in the knowledge that it was there all along within me. The book that I spent reading throughout winter sang to my heart gently and with each page I felt my being becoming lighter, more open, and softer and engaged with LOVE.

Freeing the Heart (2001) 

After seven years of painstakingly difficult process of opening my heart I felt I was finally there and I still am today. Throughout my life I went through experiencing transcendent love towards another, which stood the test of time. I also visited places completely devoid of love. I spent frequent days of terror not knowing if I was ever to come back from that place where love didn’t exist. Again and again I felt love abandoning me and literary forgetting what that was and feeling nothing for anyone for periods of time. I can truly say that was always one of the scariest experiences in my life, you see, I never knew if love would come back and that felt terrifying. My heart disappeared. Images that I went through in my journey was heart in a cage, bleeding, having a huge piece of glass wedged into it, shrunk heart, a stone and many more. You can read other posts on my blog about my work with connecting with the heart.

This winter I fell in love with my husband and my son all over again in a way I hadn’t felt before. There was deep sense of acceptance and compassion. It was a place where conditions didn’t exist and all I had was a beautiful flow of being present with love minute after minute, day after day. The world around me appeared the same yet my heart was lighter witnessing things much slower, which previously would have thrown me into places uninviting. Most of all I started to ‘fall in love’ with myself, more precisely becoming aware of my essential qualities, my ability to love, give and participate in life in a way that flows not blocks or rejects. It is difficult to put into words and I can only say that this was profound, new, transformative and beautiful. It was as if I was transforming, but actually I was merging back into the self I always was and meant to be.

I noticed how my mind calmed and as it did my heart began to grow open and it no longer felt scary or unsafe. It felt like I was home. In terms of the elements I would connect it to Water element most of all and this winter it was all about water element in its purest form. My opening of the heart was steady, slow, gentle like a bubbling brook in a forest or a small river gently flowing through land. It was not a forceful roar of the ocean or crashing waves of the sea. This makes sense to me. Water has been my shadow element for as long as I remember. It is also my birth element. Aligning and merging with my own Water element made the process of coming home even sweeter.

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Elemental forward movement and healing for 2018

.Reading time 5 minutes.

sacred feminine water element

This one is particularly relevant to women of our times and at this point it is becoming clearer and profoundly important to step into a vibration that is required to bring up the most of our potential. As we heal from inside out the light of consciousness will strengthen to support our own intentions and goals aimed at the whole world and everything around us.

For a long time we have been living in a state of suppressed feminine, shamed, required to be hidden and riddled with shame. Women have not been welcomed in their authentic expression and were expected not to be seen or heard. As a result women had learnt to sign up to a signature of self-hatred, feeling ashamed of their emotions and resent their physical bodies and continuously becoming more and more lost. Well, over the last few years women have been rising stronger and more confident, waking up to their abilities, powers and heart-centred purpose here on Earth.

In elemental terms when feminine is wounded continuously, a complex trauma is created in a female being to the extent that she becomes distorted. What arises in a way of defence and coping as a result is a distorted masculine, which is ruthless, aggressive and brutal in words, open in actions and behaviour devoid of grace, modesty and all softness. Feminine energy becomes frozen or dried up and the flow is interrupted, intuition is banished and is looked upon as weak and useless. Action, power and an overpowering voice of the masculine becomes predominant. Paradoxically this is exactly what had been wanted, women silenced and/or turned into ‘male’ versions. This is an element of Fire, but in its distorted position where passion is used to destroy another, determination is directed towards trampling over everything and everyone to reach goals. It is harsh and burning.

When we think of water (a natural element of the feminine), it is powerful too. It is flexible and adaptable. It fits into any shape and give life to things as it flows into various manifestations of itself. It is soothing, calming and gentle in its natural, healthy position. It is nourishing to the body and soul. It is open to reflection and contemplation and encouraging in creating new ways of being and flowing with the energy that is most natural. This what has been lost, however, more and more women are claiming their Water back and about time.

This coming year the signature and goal is not only physical health of the feminine and learning to love ourselves as we are, learning to honour our flow and shapes and dance in the knowing of our own beauty, the goal is also stepping back into softness and gentle handling of ourselves, others and all life around us. Kindness, intuition, wisdom, silence and deep soulful presence are all qualities women are called to awaken. Every woman possesses the power of Water and it is needed today more than ever before. Water calms Fire, soothes old wounds and encourages healing.

What comes up for me always and recently when I seek to align with the softness of the feminine is an archetype of a deer, a white delicate creature of the woods. It is not a big stag, but a soft female, which is my primary spirit animal. It is also in alignment with my 5th plane self and this is truly sacred to me. Whenever they come to me more often I know what is required and I feel it deep in my sacral and solar plexus chakras the forward movement that is needed for the overall benefit and good in the world.

Be kind, be soft, be silent in a way only a wise feminine knows how. Connect with the eternal power of intuition that resides within us all and rest assured internal light will lead us to a place of peace, joy and overall balance.

Memories in the snow

.Reading time 3 minutes.

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I woke up from a dream of being back in my Siberian land. Dreams that take me there are always set in winter. Most of my childhood and youth’s significant events happened in winter and amidst snow and remain the most memorable to this day. Sledging with friends in freezing temperatures when we couldn’t feel our faces, hands and feet, yet incredibly happy and full of joys of childhood. My first kiss, awkward, yet warm and sweet. The day I let him go also took place in the middle of winter with me crying in the bright light of street lamps and snow sparkling all around us. I remember my blue mascara running down my cheek as if it was yesterday and the smell of his winter coat as he pulled me close to his chest. I remember his heart beat as we said good-bye.

I recall ice-skating with my father and falling into the deep snow, up to my waist, in the wilderness forest. We laughed a lot. Another kiss takes me back to a sacred place where memories stand still and not just my own, but for the whole nation. Wearing white hat and mittens in a cream coloured coat I was deeply in love.

As I walked to the window this morning I was greeted with a snow-covered garden and land beyond. Beautiful. It continued to snow all morning and I decided to go into the forest for some nature and elements communion. I always feel it is such a raw, spiritual and necessary experience to immerse yourself in the elements be it rain, snow, sunshine or wind. Each element awakens something within, touches upon places that need to be visited to remind us of what is essential and where we are in life. Crunchy under my feet I found snow and pure white landscape stretching ahead taking me further into my memories and on a journey of seeing and feeling things I hold dear to my heart. Memories flooded in like a bitter-sweet river and looking around me I smiled also feeling a smidge of sadness in my heart. He is long gone, but what he left is a place within me that is unconditional love and to this day I carry it inside and always will. Forest was noisy with splats and swooshing sounds of snow falling off branches. Many trees were bent down under the snow weight touching the ground. I stopped and breathed it all in. I miss him still and I remember everything like it was yesterday. Sadness filled my heart, but it is no longer grief or longing, it is settled and contained, warm and alive. It is love, forever.

I love it so much it hurts

.Reading time 4 minutes.

I love it so much it hurts. The land welcomes me this time with open arms and I feel nothing but warmth and nurture. I feel at home and I instantly recognise that familiar smell of the land, which I know well. It is raining and I am in my element of gentle water standing on a lake shore watching gentle giants mountains hugging the shore. I touch the water, it is clear and crispy cold and through my body pure joy spreads. It is a dance of recognition, which I feel a lot stronger this time round. While my husband looks nostalgic for hot weather and home, I am home. I tell him that most of my happiest memories took place either in rain or snow and I acknowledge that link and it makes sense.

Isle of Mull – lush and green with landscape showing off its mountains, valleys, lochs, forests and sea. It is such a mixture of the elements that makes it so rich. It is incredibly peaceful here like nowhere else I had felt in Scotland so far; well, perhaps, only the first time in Perthshire where my love for the land first stuck me. We are staying in the middle of nowhere and it feels so safe to me here. It feels like no one and nothing would find me here and if I was to stay I would be happy for the rest of my days. My heart begins to ache along with joy I cry inside for wanting to merge with the land forever. It hurts in my chest and with each breath I can’t seem to get enough. That feeling of safety is a new one, as previously while in Scotland I have always felt conflicted and often anxious, even scared. Not this time. Here I have come into myself somehow and the land here is so gentle in comparison with Northern Highlands or the Isle of Skye, e.g. Those places activated my shadow material and threw me into an emotional turmoil amidst some deeply spiritual experiences. The land there is fierce, wild, unforgiving and untouchable in its stunning beauty. It is majestic and independent. Here I am held, firmly and I can hear the land speaking to me. It is gentle and soothing. Vibration is of softness and it touches on places within me much lighter and happier. This reflects in our relational dynamics between the boys and me. Our trip was very different this time round like we all tapped into a gentler way of being with one another, there is less conflict and more recognition and acknowledgment of needs all around.

Standing in the garden I witness deer coming in closer grazing on lush green vegetation surrounding the house. It is a beautiful sight and they stop and stare at me in silent pause. God it is so peaceful here! Even deer is different here compared to imposing huge stags of the Highlands. These deer are gentler and smaller and devoid of antler crowns. My response to them is also strikingly different, less of knee shaking awe and worship-like way of witnessing them, it is quieter, softer and more ‘homely’ somewhat. As I lie in bed looking out of the window with views to die for I feel my heart beating with such love. It is intense and aching, as I already know how hard it will be leaving this land in a few days.

International Women’s day 2017

.Reading time 9 minutes.

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Today feels like a Sabbat to me, a day full of significance and reverence. It feels sacred in some way with the energy of peaceful flow about it. The first phone call I receive this morning was from my father, as always. He was full of kind, warm congratulations and humour and I felt his genuine connection to the day and to me. There was also a sense of tradition and knowing about the ritual of the phone call and acknowledging the day by giving and receiving. I became curious about this new energy of significance and sacredness that is very present for me today, which feels in addition to the known and traditional like the phone call. Its presentation intrigues me and I decide to embrace it. Insights follow one by one in quick succession and I feel my chest spreading wide and open in deep breath and my heart vibrates with light and power.

I realise what this day means to me today, this year, at this point in my life and I reflect on what it used to be and how today is different. There are several layers to what is happening:

  • recently coming into an archetype of a mother and truly grounding in it
  • ancestral motives and influences
  • Druid practice of honouring ancestors
  • the energy of a new way of being this year and redefining my purpose and creating new pathways into my daily life
  • masculine within and my relationship to it

The 8th of March is my mother’s favourite day of the year. That was always clear and she adores this day she calls a celebration of spring. My mother loves flowers and she is full of love. She is often referred by me as the ‘perfect’ manifestation of what it means to be a woman. It is being confirmed to me more and more as years go by and as I, myself, get older. She always aligned with this holiday naturally and there was a certain glow about her on this day that I can only relate to as love and light, surrender, soft flow.

In Russia where I come from today is a celebration of all things feminine and all things woman. It is a national holiday and a celebration of the beginning of spring, it is about blooming of the feminine and honouring the power of the female energy. Men are very much involved in this celebration by taking on a role of a ‘worshipper’ of all things feminine. There is a romantic feeling to the day. Energies acknowledged and bowed to are a baby girl, child, sibling, grandchild, sister, young woman, niece, female cousin, mother, girlfriend, grandmother, aunt, best friend – no female ‘role’ is left out. This suddenly feels hugely significant to me and I begin to appreciate the deeper meaning of this day’s presentation and celebration. The whole of female deity is celebrated with men honouring a woman in all shapes and sizes, in all manifestations. They give presents, cards and flowers. I remember being in school and the class would be divided in boys and girls and the boys would present the girls with gifts and poems and when in high school there will be romantic associations with who gives who flowers, often done in secret even. Men are very much involved and take on a role of a romantic heroes almost in service to the feminine. This day is important to me in terms of what that meant in the past and how it is still celebrated in the land of my birth and how I can be part of it now and going forward on an even deeper level. This is what I am feeling today, a deeper meaning for me.

This year, 2017, is all about redefining the old, things we attached to and got used to for a long time not working out anymore. There is this need to renew, grow in ways unfamiliar and novel, explore paths we had never taken before. It is exciting and experiences feel truly new and fresh. It is such a different energy, which is present this year, which makes the journey very enjoyable and curiosity is always in operation. At the beginning of the year I decided in line with these energies to look at my spiritual practice with new eyes. I decided to flip things on its head and do something different, e.g. I decided to explore the Sun energy and redefine my relation with the summer (see POST here). I also consciously aim to experience my spring differently this year and really not succumb to ways of the old, which I am aware of. It is not about ignoring, it is creating something new alongside acknowledging the old. My intention of looking anew at my celebrations and rituals includes looking at each Sabbat individually and let it flow through me. So far, Imbolc this year was, indeed, different and it aligned for me with the New Moon and quick manifestation of my intention. It put me in touch with my inner power, my intuition and reconfirmed the support that is available to me through Brigit, who is always present for me at that time (see POST here). It also highlighted qualities of my younger self, my maiden energy.

Today, I am finding out, is another new thing that is coming into my practice through how I feel. My definition and confirmation of the 8th March and its meaning and also ways of integrating this day into my practice. It feels important and significant for me at this time. I am looking at honouring the Goddess in its four manifestations (see POST here). It is the day when I am feeling all four very present, united and holding love for the whole of feminine power. It is the day when they are not separate or playing out their roles in individual presentation, they are truly together today and this feels wonderful. I experience a child, a maiden, a mother and crone all together in one day, which points me towards celebration of all those within me and outside of me. In terms of ancestors and linking it with my new Druid practice of honouring, this is a great opportunity to remember my sister, my grandmother, my best friend and all females, who had huge influence on my life throughout the years and had passed. It is a chance to bow to their deep presence within me and remember. This is new for me this year. This feels big.

Today feels like another celebration to add to the wheel of my year and I believe it is here to stay. I go to my altar and I create a space to feel love for all that is female, for all that is power of love and creation, for the Goddess within.

Triple Goddess

 

The land is calling yet again…

.Reading time 2 minutes.

the-quiraing

The land is calling, but this time the call comes from a specific place. It is heard from the Isle of Skye. My soul is picking up on the spaciousness of the land, strong wind bound in its roar crashing against the rocks watching over rough waters. The voice is beautiful, it is mixture of a whistle, whining and deep bass notes. It has a voice or rather vibration boom boom like a beating heart that reaches my awareness and pulls at my soul’s veil asking to join it in its half melody, half drumming. It is intoxicating.

It is soothing to me to know it is there, it exists and its heart is beating in unison with my own. Loving from a distance is familiar to me. Being separated by space, but nothing else is also known. I have loved from a distance many times over, with all my being, bones, cells, toes, hairs on my arms and senses. The love so big I was breathing for one reason only to keep it alive. That’s where grief also comes in when a love so strong continues to live within me after many years of eternal separation. I feel this is what I experience whenever I am away from the land. Love and deep sorrow of separation are in embrace. Time there though there is a knowing that I can answer the call and I can merge with the land, as it is there, calling, wailing in its windy voice and splashing waves onto my naked feet. I can smell heather, it is warm to the touch. It get tangled in my hair as I lay my head against the moisture of the earth. It is easy for me to become each and everything that land is – rocks, mountains, grass, animals, clouds, the sun and the moon. Words are simply not enough to describe the connection in the soul. It just is so…

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My first experience on the island POST 

Lessons in the ‘neutral’

.Reading time 2 minutes.

peaceful communication

Having difficulty in communicating? Coming up against conflicts?

Take up a neutral position. You might know it all, but you might know nothing at all. It is polar opposites that cause problems and when you notice you have taken either one or the other position you can bring your attention to the mid-point. What if you are about to know everything and know nothing all at the same time?

Communication changes when instead of engaging in an argument you pause and observe what your body is doing. Is it pushing and pulling? Does it feel uncomfortable? Stay with that without going either way and allow for energies to settle. Actively listen to the other, observe their struggle in that moment. Energies travel from one to the other in the moment when one is still the other will also begin to slow down. Watch it in action the next time something prickly arises between you and someone else. What is the outcome? Disengagement from ‘being right’ and ‘knowing it all’ will empower the other to slow their vibration and energies settle for both. It is not disempowering you it is bringing the focus on what is grinding in the moment. Speak if you must, but use softer language, pause, let the other speak, engage with a smile, a nod, ask for a moment to speak. Engage in exchange of equals where both come from a position of their perception. Let your attachment to outcomes go, actively listen and participate rather than dictate. See if communication improves and both engage in the flow from the beginning, middle and end. Let it become an exploration rather than a perceived outcome.
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