I don’t want to…

What is the thing that you would say out loud if you were 100% authentic even if just for a moment.

This is the most authentic I have ever been probably and I am saying it out loud and it feels incredibly liberating.

When I was small I was known for saying ‘I don’t want to’ a lot. I resisted, fought, defended whatever my heart held precious and I stubbornly stamped my feet in not wanting either doing or feeling. It applied to many things and now as an adult I understand that state of authenticity and I admire it in my inner little girl even though she lost that fight pretty early on, around five years old. The ‘I don’t want to’ got silenced for life I’d say, but the inner grumble never went away although compliance took over on a scale unimaginable to her but necessary for mere survival.

I never believed or ever will for as long as I live in suppression of emotions of any kind and going against your soul I consider a crime. I have always known that. Life had different ideas, hence a coat of sadness cling to me all my life as a knowing of what’s underneath. Physical beauty only intensified the pain within and the split between inner and outer always felt unbearable. This world always felt too difficult to be in, to handle, to operate and survive. I did. We all did in one way or another. It’s not all bad, of course it’s not, as moments of sheer ecstasy and happiness did come and I can count them on one hand and remember each and every one of them like it was yesterday and always will.

So, last night I wrote this, which brought back the ‘I don’t want to’ back and this time it is near to stay, to speak out loud without shame, worry, care or fear of any kind.

What would you say ‘I don’t want to’ today to help bring yourself back home, to a state where you know yourself as best you can and there are no more cover ups or excuses, only truth, your truth!

Freedom or connection?

Extinction or restoration?

Been in conflict with this since last year and extinction is so wanted. Tired, don’t want to do it, want to be free, not in connection with anyone, don’t want to help or rescue anyone, too hard.

Freedom/death/no more/no faith in humanity/not up to me/don’t want the responsibility

But I am called to do this because apparently someone thinks that I can. Restoration needed

You have got to heal how to be a mother – wow, not that again, don’t want to

I need to be in the right place to activate this, to heal this. No, I don’t. I don’t want to

Ultimately I don’t want to even engage with it let alone dive into it aiming to heal. I feel like I am done and whatever is left will always be and I am ok. Freedom and peace is what I want. I am tired of this world and just want to enjoy whats left for me and my family.

Burn out that’s reached its ultimate peak. All the things that defined me in a forceful way but were never me and what I wanted are now surrendering and giving up. Enough they say, we are not doing it, we are not moving. Stubborn energy and some might relate to it as selfish but to me it is like a defence in the name of my authenticity. It is not avoidance or resistance it is a very firm NO. I really really really don’t want to be there for others when I don’t want or need to be. I want to do nothing. My wants are minimal, very simple and singular. I want to sit in a chair for hours and just look at the trees outside. I want to walk from

Room to room with no particular purpose, I want to write some words and fall into the flow and don’t come out of it till I want to come out of it not when I am expected to break it or interrupted to break it. With a sigh and an inner grumble I do but I don’t want to. I don’t need or want a purpose to define my being here on earth at this time. I don’t need to be somewhere with someone doing something I no longer need to fulfil needs and wants of someone else or an idea that I should. It’s stupid to me and when I have to do it I don’t feel great even though I have to. It doesn’t give me pleasure or joy or anything I’d call fulfilment really because I want none of that and never wanted it really. It all just happened, I fell into many traps and often consciously because that’s what everyone does and blah blah blah. It is boring to me, pointless, flat and dull.

I am also quite tired of discussing it, debating it, going over it like a wound that will never heal and I know it won’t until I stop picking at it and just Forget it is there. It wants to be forgotten too I think. It doesn’t want to be a reminder either. We all want peace and that’s as simple as that. I am not driven to save the world, I am not in a chase after recognition or validation or approval. It gives no value to my life at all. I want don’t need any of that. What I want is just be, observe, be present with my surroundings and write my reflections on what I see, feel and think. I don’t want to make an impact or earn a lot of money or worry about things like school and politics and society in general. Island is my favourite type of land for dwelling where I literally feel cut off and unreachable by anyone or anything. I want to be felt like I am far away or not even existing. I want to be in that sort of hiding and not be interrupted by life as others know it or think it should be. I want little, hardly anything.

Frustration grows in me with this life. I am pushed and pulled and demanded upon and I do love my boys and I am lucky as they understand my need for being, just being with not needing to attach to anything. I do like looking after them but often I don’t want to and that’s ok. We all get it and I am grateful for that.

Ostara 2020

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Why this Ostara is particularly important…

Blessings on 2020 Ostara, everyone and what a vital time this is to honour, celebrate and appreciate what we have and love. The season of transition is at its peak, which goes hand in hand with what is happening around the globe right now. We are entering into a space of uncertainty and ask ourselves ‘will be seeds sprout? Will I be sustained over the hard times ahead? Will the harvest be bountiful to keep us in nourishment?”

What we plant right now is important for what we will reap later on. It is time to take care of ourselves and our consciousness in a way we might not have done before. The seeds of growth and change have never been more important on every level – how we think, how we honour our feelings and how we act as a result of self-awareness and self-reflection.

When most of us will be practicing indoors this weekend, stand by the light and plant your seeds on windowsills. Everyone and everything needs the light, warmth and sun to grow and even if it is often invisible to us these days, know it is there, in existence and support of our conscious efforts. Know that the birds, mountains and animals out there will continue as normal with their daily life, cycles will continue and nature wheel will turn no matter what. They have seen it all before and adapted using vital survival mechanisms and abilities to embrace change and adjust. We can learn a lot from the natural world, but what we can do as humans right now is continue nurturing our seeds in all their manifestations: family, friends; loved ones; our own bodies, psyches and souls. All is interconnected and important to care take.

Wishing everyone a successful sprouting season. Continue digging the earth and immerse yourself in nature’s wisdom. If you can go outside allow for the elements to tell you a story of what needs to happen. Elements are tuned into us, as we all carry elemental qualities within us. Listen to what needs to consolidate in order to get through this delicate, uncertain transition.

Keep well and sending you all Ostara blessings!

 

Control – earthly and spiritual manifestations

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Control in the earthly realm is a defence and a place of safety for when emotions feel overwhelming and ‘out of control’. If one was to relinquish control (a core belief), one would disappear for not being able to cope with the flood of feelings. Control serves a function and rightly so in some circumstances when psychological struggle is so great there is no other way. However, to describe this state as it would look externally it would appear one-sided, devoid of emotional engagement and deep sadness for not being able to ‘go there’. This can apply to controlling the environment, others, behaviour, events, structures and yourself that often goes hand-in-hand with self-harm. To decide whether to let go of the control and open up fully to life is a difficult and personal decision that involves a long recovery process.

Sometimes when earthly control becomes unmanageable and challenging one might turn to spiritual in order to feel containment. This is spiritual by-pass and manifestation of that arrival into the spiritual realm will look the same. There will be impossible to progress or be in a way that spiritual is due to that emotional disengagement. One would feel resentful and unfulfilled, as spiritual doesn’t do control. It operates differently and is accessible to everyone but depends the road you approach it from.

In the spiritual there is only flow, there is no tangible experience of pain, loss, time and space. It flows and manifests. It is like the wind, not static or contained, therefore, impossible to control however hard we might try. It requires a completely openness emotionally, physically and letting go of thought structures, etc. Difficult right? Yes, but not impossible. If we manage to engage with the fleeting spiritual experience only for a minute that is already something that will never be taken away. It is moments of bliss, complete alignment with something much bigger than us, a sense of utter stillness, sweet-tasting and transparent like air. In that place we can’t work for ourselves or against the other, we have to work with it. It cannot be manipulated.

With questions come in lately about the publishing process and whether self-publishing is better or worse than a traditional route, my answer and recommendation is to look deeper into your relationship with control, your sense of self, your ability to allow for things to happen, your beliefs about how life experience comes into being. As my life is intuitive in every aspect this is something that comes as anything else natural would. My mind, body and emotions operate in a way that it has its own way of arriving at answers. Perhaps, you are similar? The route that you choose is dependent on many variables, but one thing you can look at is yourself. What are you like with control and why? Do you have faith and trust in what is right will be? Do you believe that things happen for a reason and only when all the elements are aligned something comes into fruition? Can you go with the flow? It applies to anything and this process is no exception. Writing is another process that the idea of ‘control’ amidst others can be explored. I truly believe in experience. Once you had an experience you should be able to self-reflect, analyse (if you prefer that word) and make a choice based on your awareness of your experience. So far for me, e.g. I am a traditional publishing type of person for many reasons. It is about pace, not having control is a benefit, freedom to create in the meantime and many more other factors will be clarified as I go along, I am sure. It is what it is right now and never say never, things change and turn, but what you need to know is your inner true, most fundamental make-up with how you are in the world, with others and yourself. Know yourself and you will be able to find answers to anything.

Darkness receding

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Don’t you love the return of the light or do you prefer the warmth of the dark, comfy burrow that sustained you and your spark during winter? I love winter and its creative fire that it always brings with it. My energy is high, my intuition is sharp and my productivity flows seamlessly, as if it is meant to be that way. I have always loved the feeling of being contained, warm and nourished by the darkness and embraced its gifts.

I am opening up to light in the last week or so, curious about what it might bring. New beginnings on the horizon again, new growth, new stretching into actions, planting seeds. I also love early spring, its gentle and tentative appearance in a form of small yet vibrant flowers beginning to peep through the soil. I welcome those signs fully. There is something very delicate and innocent about early spring, as it is time of the Maiden. By the end of March she will be in full force with her presence upon the land and life will begin to burst fully in being.

What a fantastically rich winter it has been for me. From November until now I have not stopped in terms of being creative and productive. This period of time has gone very fast for me and I am excited beyond belief at achievements, collaborations and creative projects that have materialised. Beautiful period of time that also felt completely new and different, like life took up a gear and the direction I was going was exciting and way more challenging than before, but so rewarding. My belief in things aligning, divine timing and trusting my own intuitive knowing has strengthened hugely in the last three months, as things that had occurred could not have been made up or prepared for. It flowed just like it was meant to be. I have learnt to trust that flow and also enjoy it fully, to the last ounce. Offerings that feel the most nourishing to the soul, when they come, transform everything around and propel one into doing things seemingly impossible, yet there is this confidence, inner knowing and complete faith in doing something that will bring a warm and nourishing feeling.

Writing is such an activity for me that makes me feel like nothing else does. It is rich, delicious, warm, satisfying, all consuming. It is that one thing that when I I do it I don’t think of anything or anyone else. Time and space disappears. I have been learning so much.

My devotional to the land in a poetry chapbook came out last week SOUL LAND and it felt very containing, summarising somewhat, having put it all together it is a cosy feeling of achievement and most importantly self-expression that meant the world to me. I hope more people enjoy my spiritual/transpersonal love letter to the land and resonate with its contents. If you love Scotland, feel deeply connected to the land (any land), see nature as an integral part of our soul and enjoy raw and emotional words, the chapbook is for you.

Here I am, this morning sitting in my writing office, thinking of the next project and letting my intuition guide me. I have two new ideas in the pipeline, which I made a start on, but there is no rush, particularly during the next couple of weeks when we are called to be with ourselves before we are called into action again towards the Equinox.

If anybody interested in hearing about my experience on self-publishing vs traditional publishing, let me know in the comments. This year I am trying both ways and so far, I am more of a traditional publishing person (currently under contract with Moon Books) for sure. Self-publishing is a complex, expensive and not an easy option, but it is very individual. See what works for you. I will post some more updates on both types of publishing.

Enjoy the New Moon and let things come up to the surface gently. Observe the dreams, as we come out of the dark moon lighting into illumination of all things in a week or so.

Much love and many blessings!

Raw Nature Spirit

Please follow me on Instagram for updates on my writing and nature walks

Image: Scotland in winter

Soul Land – what people say

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Gratitude altar in honour of my soul’s work and expression

What people say:

“Thank you. Your book is so beautiful and a lovely read. Brave, raw, honest. You’ve got to me… I can’t stop thinking about Scotland. Your words are powerful. Thank you.” Christine, UK

“I have just picked up your book and just the first poem gave me shivers. That’s powerful and emotional. I am looking forward to reading more. Great work.” Roy, UK

NeonBooks Literary Magazine review: 

Review: Soul Land by Natalia Clarke

Publisher’s website reviews: 

Being a fan of poetry and also Scotland… (I live here) I had to read Soul Land.

Perfect for anyone who is after a quick read, who wants to find some peace and tranquil and who loves poetry and nature.

by Georgi


This poetry collection really was a love letter to Scotland and how the author feels about Scotland. There was some beautiful imagery and wonderful phrases that painted a picture of the wildness and beauty of Scotland.

I did really enjoy the poems and language, but wished it was a little longer. I would have loved to read more since I did feel it was a bit short. Still, a lot of the images inspired by her words were wonderful and definitely make you feel like you can see the landscape she’s describing.

by Deanne


I have just picked up a copy of Soul Land and just the first poem gave me shivers. That’s powerful and emotional. I am looking forward to reading more. Great work.

by Roy, UK


The book was a gift and is such a beautiful and lovely read. Brave, raw, honest. It got to me… I could not stop thinking about Scotland for days after. As I also love Scotland it resonated deeply with me and touched my soul. Powerful words.

by Christine


As an avid reader of poetry, I found this collection to be completely different from anything I’d previously read. This was my first time experiencing transpersonal poetry and at the very talented hands of Natalia Clarke, I’ve found it a most enjoyable one!

by Farah


I’ve read a decent amount of poetry, especially in the last couple of months, and Soul Land was very unique from all the others I’ve read. I really enjoyed how descriptive the poems were and the beautiful picture the author painted with each poem.

by Taylor


Calming nature poetry about Scotland that will make you want to pick up a walking stick and wander through Scotland’s beautiful landscape and relax your spirit.

by Hansruedi


Thanks so much for sending me a copy of your book!

I love your introduction and I can feel how much Scotland touches your soul through your words! I’m truly honoured that my painting connects with that feeling!

I love how you write! You write the way I feel!
Congratulations on your book and your poems are simply beautiful!!

by Ann Fullerton


Soul Land spoke to me and my love of Scotland. The pictures that Natalia Clarke’s poems paint in my eye made me long for a trip out into the Highlands.

by Sandra

Goodreads reviews: 

https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/51458263-soul-land

Leave your comments on Amazon please, that would be wonderful

https://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/B084SV6W29…