Spring Equinox dream

Ostara 2018

I had an Ostara dream of giving birth, first to a girl and then a boy. They were two separate pregnancies and births and both spoke of healing, balance and transformation. As I began to wake up a sense of wonder, peace, joy and satisfaction laid over me with vivid presence. It covered me in a place safe and knowing and I was content.

Both births happened fairly quickly and naturally. They flowed the way, I felt, it was meant to be. A very physical experience yet easy, calm and trusting. It brought a true healing to my experience of childbirth in real life that had been very traumatic and for many years my mind blocked it out and forgotten with the body carrying the trauma within and manifesting terror in many ways. I had birth dreams before, but nothing like this one. Last night it spoke of the way things get birthed into being and when trust and knowing is present it can be a natural and easy process. We hear about it often yet it is not always so and for many reasons.

With spring equinox coming into life the importance of balance comes into place. Feminine and masculine energies begin to birth into what is to become a union later on in May. It felt magical and so timely to birth that experience of both as equal into the world. Both the girl and the boy were born safely and into a lot of love around them.

Birth dreams are often referred to a new beginning, a journey of growth and potentially transformation. Spring is a vulnerable time of transition and many things get born into this world during spring and not everything or everyone survives. It is a time of doubt and trepidation but also hope and a possibility of nurturing and creating.

Prior to my Ostara dream for a few nights I dreamt of dead bodies, body parts and holding on to stuff that had died some time ago. Those dreams are frequent and come about when it is time I let go of the weight of the past and allowed some parts of myself die and bury it ‘not in shallow graves like in my dreams’, but deep within the darkness and nourishment of the earth. Earth is a transmitter of all energy and what’s left always goes where it is needed. Death dreams are always followed by birth dreams. It seems to be a pattern my dreams follow.

This particular Ostara dream also told me that a birth doesn’t have to be painful, traumatic, rushed or unsupported. It can be truly invigorating, hard, but rewarding work and results are delicate and hopeful like nothing else.

As we continue through the next month of changeable weather and uncertain temperatures let us hold on to the feeling of the earth knowing how to give birth to what is to grow into a glorious experience of times yet to come. I

The girl born was called Jennifer. Here is some history of the name, which connects nicely with the overall feeling:

 Jennifer is a feminine given name, a Cornish form of Guinevere/Gwenhwyfar adopted into the English language during the 20th century. “Jennifer” may mean “white enchantress” or “the fair one” (from Proto-Celtic *Windo-seibrā “white phantom”).

Image: https://www.pinterest.co.uk/heidiwoodlawn/ostara/
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Summer Solstice 2017

summer solstice

Summer Solstice sizzled away like a hot fire pit and this morning we have fresh air and breeze. It is as if the earth is about to take a deep breath out and join in a dance with the brewing storm. I am up early this morning as I feel the storm coming and I become alive again after a very hot week and the hottest day of the year – Summer Solstice 2017.

I was faced with so many challenges during the week, confronted with the burning Sun, which seemly held no mercy for my discomfort and I moaned and moaned till I could bear it no longer. When Summer Solstice came and the heat reached its highest peak here in the UK my voice was gone and my spirit dimmed to a faint whisper of acknowledgment of my troubles. In that ‘melting’ I began to recognise my powerlessness against what appeared full of people to be a big lesson in love, patience and gratitude. I ended up taking a journey to the city, on a hot train and to my surprise I remained calm and collected with no grinding within my mind or heart. I stepped into a space of surrendering. I recognised it and that inner silence felt soothing. I remained in observation of things around me and within me and communicating gently with nature in its hottest burning state. I felt it smiling inviting all growth into dancing and fires burning all over the globe in honouring the Sun smelt delicious. The song of the Bard enchanted me into trance-like state of love, peace and gratitude.

I felt my relationship with the masculine challenged in the physical and spiritual sense and I knew it needed to be repairs, as ‘heat’, distorted fire within me raptured it. I began consciously cooling down in terms of being ok with what is and being accepting of releasing with the sweat what needed to go. I understood that my voice had a major place in how my discomfort is perceived and its effect of others. I pulled back, withdrawn to reflect on the sound of my voice and the meaning of the words spoken. It is within the balance of expressing your inner most uncomfortable cries within your soul and body and respecting the space where others co-exist. It is always about the balance and both are equally important if we are to be authentic. It is as much you as it is others, no more and no less. As we look within more the outside transforms and as the outsides engages with us we discover things within. Through the ‘voice’ work I offered a hand of reparation to the masculine and embraced its firy nourishment. There is still mistrust, yes, caution and suspicion and subsequent wish to withdraw. I am very aware of that, but what I choose is not only engage with that restraint within me in response to the masculine heat, I am also willing to expose my face to the brightest, hottest heat that seeks my attention.

I feel alive today post-Solstice and very inspired to continue this journey with deep gratitude and love in my heart and seeking engagement more and more with myself and others. Summer teaches connection, relationship to yourself and others. It is a time to be sociable, to acknowledge those links we have with others and recognise our contribution to that collective dance. It is the NOW time, summer, when we look at our achievements and life as a whole ‘warts and all’ and come out proud into a play field of our life with full engagement and appreciation.

 

From wounded to confident – journey continues…

Maiden on Beltane No other month, I find, triggers me into sorrow and anger more than May and I have been coming into awareness why over the last two years. Beltane is always a trigger. I have been working with balancing feminine and masculine for the last few years. Bringing the feminine forth and learning how to be that and balancing the deeply distorted masculine, which lived within for so long, but didn’t work within my ‘female’ soft being. I now connect well to the feminine, strong, soft and vulnerable, wise and compassionate, yet masculine, although missing violent, aggressive and abusive side, is yet to be redefined within me. This is one of the posts that I suspect I am yet to write about the process of connecting with the Divine feminine and masculine.

This year my Maiden appears different. I suspect it happened as a result of me coming into the energy more and way deeper than before. Maiden within has been going through a transformation quietly, but with strong assured energy of knowing what was needed. I realised it has been happening deeply in the under-layers without displaying, like a worker bee or a spider patiently weaving their webs or trees waiting for the blooms to come through winter. My Maiden has a strong work ethic and patience – what a revelation. From a Firy (distorted masculine traits), wounded, screaming deity with a tinge of someone being spoilt to a studious, steady and confident.

Dance to my beat – the Green Man said

She stepped slowly into the circle adjusting her flowing skirts and made her first move

He stood mesmerised by her confident posture and playful glint in her eye

He joined her in a dance of teasing and their clothes gently brushed together

He watched and waited without force or invitation

She grew in confidence with every step she took and walked over to him

Take me into your arms and spin me faster and faster – she said

He obligingly swept her into a sweet embrace and lifted her off the ground  into a joyful spin

Oh how they laughed and held each other in love and sweet union

Oh how they danced all night into the hours of dawn

This is all good and well, all that dancing and the season is all wonderfully joyful, but for the last few years Beltane had been a festival, which triggered me into old wounds of loneliness and betrayal. All energies masculine were seen as negative, abusive and disloyal. I usually spend the day sick in bed and wanting to hide. This year is not that different, as I am not willing to connect to the masculine as, perhaps, expected by the festival.

Well, it sort of crept up on me this year and even though again I am not feeling great within my body, which serves as a reminder of that old pattern, I am also feeling shifts in feminine energies. I spent the last part of 2016 and the beginning of this working on healing the masculine within. It has been a hard road and difficult wounding to transform and I am not there yet, but I know I am on the right track. I feel I have been gently led into Beltane this year. My Maiden feels confident right now and knows exactly what she wants. I also wrote this post about redefining my Beltaine, or rather focusing on other aspects of the festival. I notice how I spell the word differently in my post too HERE 

This month’s insights go even deeper and questions come up in relation to feminine and masculine deities. I struggle to connect with a masculine energy still. It seems to have no voice, substance or even a face or form in my awareness. It is empty at the moment. I begin to think about relationships between Gods and Goddesses, what does that look like? Beltane is about sex, love, marriage and relating yet what I experience is a separation on some level and I really feel it.  I am still unable to see qualities of the Green Man other than his function to connect with the Maiden. I wonder if the Maiden even wants that connection? I suspect she does, but, perhaps, on her terms and more in balance rather than a forced assumed position of what her purpose must be and what expectation of the season is. She’s got to have consent. I wonder what would be should she choose not to marry and get pregnant… what would happen if she rebelled? I suspect it is again about finding a balance, a compromise and not involve extreme ways of going about things.

I suspect this won’t be the last post exploring masculine and feminine and I intend continuing my research and experiences in this area.

 

Beltane 2017 re-defined

altar

This year is all about transformation on a level unheard of before. It is about renewing in ways completely fresh and bold, something that had never manifested in our lives. We are born in an energy of a great opportunity to change things radically, to look at ourselves with no excuses or hiding behind what is familiar. In many ways there is nowhere to hide and neither does it make sense any more. Masks and personas are becoming extinct and the spirit calls for us to embrace ourselves in what we have always meant to be.

Over the last few years May Day for me had been a sad time of hiding and illness, falling into a trap of a script playing out during that time over and over. Within a fail before or on the day there will be obstacles, emotional, mental and most of all physical that would prevent me from any kind of celebrating. A negative masculine would rear its ugly head and any kind of merging with a Green Man would become an ugly prospect. My mental state would become so bitter and angry at the masculine that a sight of a May pole would be a big ‘no, no’. This year just when I thought I was ok, having previously set my intention on not falling for the old tricks of my unhealed past, it struck again with manifestations in my internal and external life where masculine was not good to me. I fell into sadness, as predicted, but then something within me continued to fight.

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Death and rebirth in dreams

death and rebirth in dreams

Dreams are lately filled with things dying, bodies falling apart and fresh blood. There are recognisable themes of death and rebirth and the need to step into the new, which is a signature of this year. This is time to be reborn into a new identity, into the ‘now’ identity. Blood in dreams signifies new life, new beginnings. It is life-giving and our base line and indication we are living and breathing. It has a lovely vibration for me in my dreams and I welcome ‘bleeding’ dreams. I also got to know well that scenes of death, bodies, funerals and all things associated with the ultimate end are ways of showing me that parts of myself, as they are, need to ‘die’, renew, rebirth. In alchemy this process is called Motificatio

Following death dreams there is always an appearance of things transforming and for me it is always associated with love and alchemical marriage of the feminine and masculine. These are my absolute favourite dreams, because of how they feel. Incredible unconditional love surges through my body and all senses as I sleep in deep enjoyment of that experience. Those dreams are often difficult to explain or even express what they felt like as they are beyond words beautiful, other worldly. They are truly an embodied experience of love so huge, which we are part of.

After that stage of there is the birth of the new identity where I make choices in what to wear, what to put in my bag, which route to take and saying no to things that don’t feel right to me. These dreams lately are changing into presenting parts of myself as more assertive, confident and knowing. There is more fire and intuitive associated with them and it feels reassuring and deeply grounding on waking.

We all go through mini-cycles like this again and again, as we constantly renew depending on where we are in life and what is calling to be manifesting. For new to come in something needs to go. Through tracking dreams it can put us in touch with our inner processes on a deep level and images presented to us in dreams can become navigational tools we can engage with on our journeys through cycles.

 

2017 challenges so far…

2017 signature What a year it is shaping out to be…

This year’s signature is getting involved with life, stepping into that ever-moving flow of things, very busy, that treadmill we all talk about and many want to avoid. This is what is kind of expected of us just to test it out one more time if someone is unsure about the way forward. It feels old, but new at the same time. It is approached from a perspective of ‘give it go, why not, see what else is there to learn’. It is an opportunity to expand, as always, and this year’s offering for expansion is through being busy and very much in life.

It feels I am being pulled towards it. It feels like by the end of the year my desire, purpose and destiny will clarify once and for all. On many levels it feels like the last chance before I step into a concrete knowing, although nothing is ever concrete and we don’t want it to be. There is paradox present, for sure, and it is up to us to work out what that means for us. It is a year to find out exactly what will drive me forward and in what way. In order to get to that understanding I am to get on that fast-moving train into my day-to-day life with challenges and stress very much part of it, it seems. . It feels necessary and part of the learning and part of my evolution.

It also feels like the second attempt of a similar scenario I tried eight years ago when coming out of ‘stay at home mum’ state for the first time and going back to work. It is all about finding things out again in a new way, in a different way and see if this time it brings desires and destinies in line.

I feel resistance to this way already even though I thought that’s what I wanted and this is familiar. It is a challenge to see if I am to navigate it this time with more wisdom and patience. I get it. It is a test.

Signature is getting on with it with patience, loving heart towards myself and others and quiet determination. To see challenges and obstacles as lessons. It is to test my strength and resourcefulness. The thing is my self-belief has never been stronger than this year and I feel there’s nothing I can’t do. Interesting. I am very much in my Warrior self. There is blood, darkness and gold at the same time. There is a feeling of treasure awaiting me yet the road is super difficult to see and even more difficult to walk. A lot of drive, focus, motivation is needed and my warrior is up for that challenge. The feeling for this year is generally good, opportunistic, ‘show what you’ve got’ type of energy.

I do find myself wishing this year away and that’s been present since January and that is part of the process reflecting back to me my own impatience, distortions in fire when frustrated and sometimes difficulties dealing with stress. It is also part of that resistance, push and pull within me. The reason they are reflected is with an aim of awareness and subsequent adjustment of my ways. I need to be present with what is in the moment. Calm, solid steps without the mind rushing into things.

Watch the space…

 

Personal power word for 2017

 During Winter Solstice I connected strongly with the warrior side of me and the archetypal energy of The King Arthur. He’s loyal, devoted, honourable, noble, has humility, just, fair, super brave, protector and nurturer of his kingdom and people. He’s been coming to me for a few weeks before Yule and I was called to visit Glastonbury Tor, a place I never thought of yet the message was so clear I had to go. Following callings of the land is something I do openly and easily now in my spiritual practice. It always pays off and makes sense when I merge with energies that summon me. 
  
    
 Winter is a masculine energy season for me. It is about colour red and Fire element qualities – vibrant, dynamic, passionate and action-driven. It is about setting goals to benefit my growth in service of my life and those around me. I connect with the noble young king within. The night before Yule he came to me in a dream and with a passionate kiss he proclaimed his commitment to the land and his life purpose of protecting weak and vulnerable, to fight against injustice and honour all those that came before him, carrying on the legacy of warriors of his Kingdom.

The word WIN came to me while sitting outside looking over a field which stretches beyond my garden. I saw sticks of a tree painting letter W in the misty atmosphere of the morning. It felt complete, clear and felt in the body. I saw a knight on horseback in red cape galloping away from the site. 

I have been aligning with my desire for a certain job, which has felt like destiny for a few years and the feeling is that 2017 is a portal for manifesting that desire. Exciting. 
Win with your heart and intention alongside doubts and fears, win not over them but with them, win together what is meant for you, for your home and family. Win with your abilities and skills, your passion and love for the land and the people. Win so you can give, spread the light further. Win with hard work and dedication and razor sharp focus on what’s meant to be in my grasp. 

Win through learning, relating, engaging and connecting with all that is available. Win through the open heart of dedication to the craft and love for nature. 
Win, win, win not against something but for something and with something. Everyone is a winner when done with pure heart intention, leadership, honesty, integrity and empathetic relating to yourself and others. 

What’s your power word for 2017?