The ‘shadow’ Fire of summer

Fire element in distortion

I am exploring the wounded, sensitive point in my psyche that comes up in June, before Summer Equinox. It produced feelings of depression last year, which lasted all the way to Samhain – a long time. This year I am determined to un-tangled and look at what is going on with an aim to acknowledge, heal and integrate. It is the 3rd June and I have been feeling the now familiar energy rising within already. This feels very hard and resistance is overbearing. The defence is always distorted Fire, which is cruel, ugly, merciless, the kind that burns everything to ash without any hope of new growth or so it seems at the time. This Fire is very different to a healthy Fire, which I would normally tap into during winter, post Yule and that energizes me to a degree of high productivity, enthusiasm, high energy and success.

Fire element in its distorted state prevents life from flowing, yet a healthy manifestation offers a chance for a re-birth. Fire is a glorious element, as it is transformative. We often have to burn, be in pain in order for something else to manifest through it. Calcinatio operation in the alchemical process.

This Fire stops a part of me being seen, it blocks any possibility of reconciliation within the psyche and ‘burns’ everything in my physical reality. Yet, we do come back from it every year and every time I look back on it with bewilderment and gratitude for having survived the ‘war’. It often feels like it. Sometimes it goes on for a month or two, other times it lasts longer and it can be exhausting.

I am writing this in hope that it might resonate with many and to explore/explain what happens when we reject, suppress parts of ourselves we are not willing to bring back, integrate and look at. One might refer to it as the material, which resides deep within our psyche and now and again pops out to say hello and we are in no way thrilled to welcome them back. Then a battle commences to avoid, resist, push it back and not having to deal with whatever it is that is asking to come back.

In my case this is my inner child – an extremely sensitive, delicate, vulnerable self that to the rest of me is so overwhelming I get thrown off-balance every time I feel her approaching. In order to defend I tap into my anger self and take a position of a distorted Fire, which is the only way I know how to send my ‘vulnerable self’ back to where it came from. My desire to project becomes almost unbearable, which tells us how difficult it feels for me to contain feelings of that inner child that comes into full view. When previously attempting to heal this I always resorted to giving it away to someone else, who is better equipped to look after it. It had worked for some time, but this time it seems that it wants me to take her in. It wants to come back from exile.

In dreams this part of me comes as one particular person, which I have come to recognise. It always appears a gentle, good part of me that everyone loves, apart from myself. In dreams as it wants to get close to me (not others even though they are more than happy to take her in) I begin my process of avoiding and running away from it. Last night I had such a dream and reflecting back I do recognise having been doing the ‘rejecting’, but on another level wanting to get close to it also and that’s where the clue lies towards integration. Not all is lost. In the dream last night the soft part of me also decided to reject me and that really hurt. It jumped on a ‘runaway’ train seeking separation from me and expressing its disappointment. That hurt. It is not that I don’t want to, but more I can’t bring myself, don’t know how to deal with it. I reject before it rejects. This plays out in my physical reality in a way of projecting exactly that. What I am projecting is the anger with myself and seeming inability to deal with the vulnerable self. Anger is also laced in disappointment, shame, self-punishment, etc., which also manifests in real life and is projected outwards when the angry self becomes shaming of others, expressing disappointment openly and emotional eating, e.g.

These insights are the first steps towards the ultimate goal of integration. My dreams and being aware of my emotions as I awake every day have been invaluable to me in reaching a position of clarity of what is happening within my psyche and physical body, a key to my conscious and unconscious material. Post-insight comes an even clearer awareness and links are made with the day-to-day manifestation of wounds and conditions, i.e. what one does in their physical reality, relationships, work, etc. that manifests that behaviour. Once awareness is established then come choices, processes we put in place to attempt to heal, trial an error, if you like, but nevertheless there are choices. There are opportunities to put things in place in order to move forward. Healing comes from acceptance and a successful implementation of all of the above and integrating day by day, learning a new way of relating to yourself first and foremost before it becomes harmonious on outside with relationships with others.

Insight – Awareness – Choices – Acceptance – Healing – Integration

I am going on a journey with this part of my process actively this month. It is a challenging time, as we build up towards the ultimate Fire festival and Sun in its full power in nature. My aim is not to get hooked and blow it out to a point of losing control completely. This year it is going to be different and what is not present as much I feel, which is a blessing and new, is fear to engage with difficult stuff. This time I know deep down that if we fear ourselves we fear our potential at the same time and fearing potential is a limiting outlook, which simply doesn’t help us progress. The aim is to put things into a healthy flow, into an energy of progressing with purpose without resistance.

Have a good week.

 

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Spring Equinox dream

Ostara 2018

I had an Ostara dream of giving birth, first to a girl and then a boy. They were two separate pregnancies and births and both spoke of healing, balance and transformation. As I began to wake up a sense of wonder, peace, joy and satisfaction laid over me with vivid presence. It covered me in a place safe and knowing and I was content.

Both births happened fairly quickly and naturally. They flowed the way, I felt, it was meant to be. A very physical experience yet easy, calm and trusting. It brought a true healing to my experience of childbirth in real life that had been very traumatic and for many years my mind blocked it out and forgotten with the body carrying the trauma within and manifesting terror in many ways. I had birth dreams before, but nothing like this one. Last night it spoke of the way things get birthed into being and when trust and knowing is present it can be a natural and easy process. We hear about it often yet it is not always so and for many reasons.

With spring equinox coming into life the importance of balance comes into place. Feminine and masculine energies begin to birth into what is to become a union later on in May. It felt magical and so timely to birth that experience of both as equal into the world. Both the girl and the boy were born safely and into a lot of love around them.

Birth dreams are often referred to a new beginning, a journey of growth and potentially transformation. Spring is a vulnerable time of transition and many things get born into this world during spring and not everything or everyone survives. It is a time of doubt and trepidation but also hope and a possibility of nurturing and creating.

Prior to my Ostara dream for a few nights I dreamt of dead bodies, body parts and holding on to stuff that had died some time ago. Those dreams are frequent and come about when it is time I let go of the weight of the past and allowed some parts of myself die and bury it ‘not in shallow graves like in my dreams’, but deep within the darkness and nourishment of the earth. Earth is a transmitter of all energy and what’s left always goes where it is needed. Death dreams are always followed by birth dreams. It seems to be a pattern my dreams follow.

This particular Ostara dream also told me that a birth doesn’t have to be painful, traumatic, rushed or unsupported. It can be truly invigorating, hard, but rewarding work and results are delicate and hopeful like nothing else.

As we continue through the next month of changeable weather and uncertain temperatures let us hold on to the feeling of the earth knowing how to give birth to what is to grow into a glorious experience of times yet to come. I

The girl born was called Jennifer. Here is some history of the name, which connects nicely with the overall feeling:

 Jennifer is a feminine given name, a Cornish form of Guinevere/Gwenhwyfar adopted into the English language during the 20th century. “Jennifer” may mean “white enchantress” or “the fair one” (from Proto-Celtic *Windo-seibrā “white phantom”).

Image: https://www.pinterest.co.uk/heidiwoodlawn/ostara/

The Element of winter

water element magic

My way is the Elemental way. I see the world through the five elements and work with them the most in my nature communication, magical weaving and spells and when relating to others. I have a power and a shadow element and the world makes sense to me in a way it is made of the elements all around me.

The season of winter has always been a Fire element season for me, full of creativity, drive, focus, enthusiasm and passion. It has always been a time when my inspiration would be present and my mind clear and full of ideas. I would complete a lot of projects during winter usually. Many writers report the same thing. This year it is different. This time it feels softer, smoother, slower accompanied by quiet, silence and a peaceful retreat into inner spaces.. In dreams I am met with a lot of shadow material and crying physical tears. The season feels closer to the element of Water. As water here doesn’t freeze in winter it is very much present, but in a state of quiet still standing. Perhaps, it depends on where we are at any given point and what our intentions are and currently my preferred state is of slow motion in silence and solitude with no need for many words or interactions. It is a very relaxed state of being with nothing to do and nowhere to go, quite the opposite energy of my usual winters. Water element is in this year’s signature I also feel regardless of what the season is now and yet to come, as we are in the feminine rising energy, but not for the first time. The archetypal flow is quite advanced this time and more powerful than ever. It is very consious and knowing ready to share its wisdom with us all. What would be interesting to explore this year is that contact with water whether we like it or not. Like for many water is my shadow element and a lot of us have grown up with supression of our emotional states (water energy). If we decide to engage with the element purposefully tt will sure take us on a transformational and insightful journey, no doubt about it. There is that opportunity this year in abundance. I am going to embrace it and put some water magic into my practice more. For the moment, stillness and calm are the energies of the month for me and it feels just how it should be.

What’s your element for the season of winter?

Relationships – another challenge

relationship break up

What’s popped into my awareness this morning post various nightmarish travels overnight is the vibration of a relationship break-up. There is betrayal, abuse, blackmail, manipulation vibrations all mixed into the message that has come through and it relates to what we need to face next year. This past year has been a difficult one in terms of relationships of all kinds. It has been tense, destructive, ugly at times to the point of no return and the reason it has been coming up quite so strongly is to challenge the ways that we have gone about being in relationships up until now. I feel the test, the challenge is closely related to our vibration of pretending everything is fine when something deep within had been telling us it is not. We do this out of fear, not feeling safe in any dynamic different to where we are, but paradoxically keeping ourselves in a place where it is potentially even more unsafe long-term.

Therefore, what next year and this next cycle is asking of us is to sit with the discomfort of the truth about many of our relationships. Face it head on and bring up honestly into the open about whether they are actually working for us. With the next cycle, new moon in place we have a chance to envisage and plant a seed for a relationship that we do want and start working/manifesting/changing either the one we have, doing some reparation/replanting work or a complete renewal brought through awareness and honesty with ourselves and others.

The most important dynamic and a relationship, of course, that we are asked to look at and revisit next year is the relationship with ourselves. Where do we fail and what do we exceed at? Honestly unpicking and looking at each of our own qualities in detail we can find ways of smoothing rough edges or, perhaps, understanding where we don’t always serve ourselves and others and embrace our true gifts, our beautiful qualities, which can be amplified even more with an aim to benefit many around us and feed our soul.

Ready for another ride? Relationships are the hardest to be in, manifest and cultivate things that we experience here in this reality. We grow through relationships, we get to know ourselves through relationships, we live, love and get exposed through them. It is one of the main functions here on earth. It is not going to be easy, but if we don’t attend to our relationship dynamics we risk to be stuck in a vibration of dishonesty, disappointment and eventually resentment.

Many blessings!

Death and rebirth in dreams

death and rebirth in dreams

Dreams are lately filled with things dying, bodies falling apart and fresh blood. There are recognisable themes of death and rebirth and the need to step into the new, which is a signature of this year. This is time to be reborn into a new identity, into the ‘now’ identity. Blood in dreams signifies new life, new beginnings. It is life-giving and our base line and indication we are living and breathing. It has a lovely vibration for me in my dreams and I welcome ‘bleeding’ dreams. I also got to know well that scenes of death, bodies, funerals and all things associated with the ultimate end are ways of showing me that parts of myself, as they are, need to ‘die’, renew, rebirth. In alchemy this process is called Motificatio

Following death dreams there is always an appearance of things transforming and for me it is always associated with love and alchemical marriage of the feminine and masculine. These are my absolute favourite dreams, because of how they feel. Incredible unconditional love surges through my body and all senses as I sleep in deep enjoyment of that experience. Those dreams are often difficult to explain or even express what they felt like as they are beyond words beautiful, other worldly. They are truly an embodied experience of love so huge, which we are part of.

After that stage of there is the birth of the new identity where I make choices in what to wear, what to put in my bag, which route to take and saying no to things that don’t feel right to me. These dreams lately are changing into presenting parts of myself as more assertive, confident and knowing. There is more fire and intuitive associated with them and it feels reassuring and deeply grounding on waking.

We all go through mini-cycles like this again and again, as we constantly renew depending on where we are in life and what is calling to be manifesting. For new to come in something needs to go. Through tracking dreams it can put us in touch with our inner processes on a deep level and images presented to us in dreams can become navigational tools we can engage with on our journeys through cycles.

 

Number 4 and Diamond Symbol meaning

It is becoming clear that the number four and a diamond shape carry a strong significance in my spiritual development, which then throws light on events in my physical life and provides deeper meaning. I feel it has been showing up for the last few months and only last night I had yet another dream, which featured a number four. This dream displayed a real clock on the wall where I focused on the number three thinking that was the END of a certain appointment, I was simply convinced, however, as dream showed it was not, indeed, till the fourth hour that completion was to take place. It came as a revelation to me and felt so knowing and ‘oh yes’ realisation.

The feeling surrounding these insights is one of strong support and illumination in a way of providing me with not just meaning, but grounding and nurturing.

What number four means in a spiritual sense is a completion of some sort whether it is a cycle, a task, an undertaking or a journey. I have known about the meaning for sometime through my transpersonal studies. On looking further it does resonate deeply with my practice and beliefs and I felt recently, e.g. number three (trinity of things) incomplete somewhat. In fact only recently I wrote about Tarot card readings where I talk about four cards readings HERE

As we approach the end of the calendar year and Winter Solstice 2016 I am even more in tune with what might be showing up for me regarding symbols I am witnessing. I really resonate with some information and research out there on number four and diamond shape. HERE is a good article

Four Moon cycles, four seasons, four elements – all important parts to my spiritual practice, which I have deep relationship with.

This, what feels like a change, a new beginning, is pointing me towards solidifying some of my beliefs and practices and adjusting how I see and do things going forward. One insight I had this morning was about the Triple Goddess (Wiccan), which I have always identified with, but again, it is that three that felt incomplete to me and this morning it felt strong. Therefore, the forth aspect came forward to me – a child aspect. It seems ‘she’ (little baby soul and a little girl) wants to get in on the game and be integrated into my spiritual practice as well as serving my psychological development further providing insight into my natural essence. This makes sense to me and before the time of Maiden, which I feel comes around Spring Equinox there is time for a child self, who is essentially ‘in the womb’, in the darkness of winter. This links with all sorts of insights into shadow aspects and those parts of myself that need healing and it is a continuous flow of work, which doesn’t stop. It gets deepened with every change of season.

Another insight that came was about the trinity of sacred lands. I also wrote about this recently HERE and what came to me was the fourth ‘land’, which wants to be included and integrated in the whole of my experience on Earth so far, that is the land of my birth – Siberia, Russia.

I aim to do more work, meditation and analysis on the things above to gain better understanding of what needs attention, change, integration or acknowledgement and I feel very excited by it. I feel touched, privileged and humbled by such beautiful opportunities presented to be through my relationship with spirit and myself on a soul level and a gift of dream life that I have. Always keen to learn and listen I look forward to having my dreams continue bringing me information and messages in the meantime.

IMAGES 

Dreams speak in symbols

I had a dream, which spoke of the masculine energy. It was full of symbols, spiritual foresight, alchemy, the state of inner world and Runes language.

HOUSE

Dreaming of a house or dwelling shows up a state of our inner world at any given moment. I often dream of houses and depending on where I am in life it changes, from a derelict ruin to magnificent palaces filled with space and gold, from towers to small cottages, from small buildings to multi-stored blocks of flats.

Last night it was a perfectly formed, compact flat in an ancient building full of history and spirits. Something like this

I remember touching its exposed old walls and feeling a sense of awe and joy of living in such a sacred place. I felt a sense of legend, wise men and education surrounding me. I had to climb to the dwelling through dark and narrow corridors till I reached the flat I was to call my home and when I made it inside and came up to a an open window I saw the world right in front of me. I could see for miles and horizon spread in front of me filled with beautiful golden light. It felt magnificent and my heart sand with gratitude and peace.

SYMBOLS/RUNES

There was a man in my dream, who wanted me to draw a symbol in the air with my hand. He was giving me instructions on how to do it and I managed to produce one after several attempts. It was this

Meaning: Meaning: movement, work, growth.

URUZ (reference: sunnyway.com)

Uruz: (U: Auroch, a wild ox.) Physical strength and speed, untamed potential. A time of great energy and health. Freedom, energy, action, courage, strength, tenacity, understanding, wisdom. Sudden or unexpected changes (usually for the better). Sexual desire, masculine potency. The shaping of power and pattern, formulation of the self.

This, to me, speaks of the presence of masculine energy within me and how aligned it is with the current season before the Oak king is born again into light on the 21st December. This energy is familiar to me and one of great achievements and productivity. Winter is a highly creative time for me when I do most of my writing and I feel very energetic working on various projects and collecting ideas for manifesting. I often light a Red candle during this time to aid me in my Fire element of productivity, strength and determination.

MASCULINE

It is the time for me when my inner world forms into whole, masculine and feminine together and shows me how masculine energy is often misunderstood and misinterpreted. There are stereotypes of what a man or a woman should be, what qualities they should portray and which they should hide. My dreams often show me how to break through those stereotypes and look within for what it means for me and what is of value to me at the time. The man in my dream was not perfect, was not strong or ‘together’, if anything he was a bit lost, unsuccessful yet holding his head high and opening his big heart. His voice gentle, not booming and strong, full of offering support and encouraging me to make my own choices. It keeps the door open for me, invites me to step into my own masculine power whatever that might mean for me. I have to spend some time after such dreams in quiet contemplation to make sure I really hear him with no judgement.

Approaching sacred time of Winter Solstice when we welcome light into the world once again, look within for your own light and what it means to you. How can you manifest what stirs within your soul in your daily activities and relationships? Is it family, is it creative projects or finding a new way to be, is it consolidating all your resources and feeling yourself as a whole being ready to step on a path of spiritual and Earthly wisdom.

Remember, in dreams what matters very much is how they make your feel. Your emotions and after-dream states are pointers towards what is to be learnt and what to pay attention to.

Blessings!

header image: http://typotic.com/i/dream-world-for-love/