The ‘shadow’ Fire of summer

Fire element in distortion

I am exploring the wounded, sensitive point in my psyche that comes up in June, before Summer Equinox. It produced feelings of depression last year, which lasted all the way to Samhain – a long time. This year I am determined to un-tangled and look at what is going on with an aim to acknowledge, heal and integrate. It is the 3rd June and I have been feeling the now familiar energy rising within already. This feels very hard and resistance is overbearing. The defence is always distorted Fire, which is cruel, ugly, merciless, the kind that burns everything to ash without any hope of new growth or so it seems at the time. This Fire is very different to a healthy Fire, which I would normally tap into during winter, post Yule and that energizes me to a degree of high productivity, enthusiasm, high energy and success.

Fire element in its distorted state prevents life from flowing, yet a healthy manifestation offers a chance for a re-birth. Fire is a glorious element, as it is transformative. We often have to burn, be in pain in order for something else to manifest through it. Calcinatio operation in the alchemical process.

This Fire stops a part of me being seen, it blocks any possibility of reconciliation within the psyche and ‘burns’ everything in my physical reality. Yet, we do come back from it every year and every time I look back on it with bewilderment and gratitude for having survived the ‘war’. It often feels like it. Sometimes it goes on for a month or two, other times it lasts longer and it can be exhausting.

I am writing this in hope that it might resonate with many and to explore/explain what happens when we reject, suppress parts of ourselves we are not willing to bring back, integrate and look at. One might refer to it as the material, which resides deep within our psyche and now and again pops out to say hello and we are in no way thrilled to welcome them back. Then a battle commences to avoid, resist, push it back and not having to deal with whatever it is that is asking to come back.

In my case this is my inner child – an extremely sensitive, delicate, vulnerable self that to the rest of me is so overwhelming I get thrown off-balance every time I feel her approaching. In order to defend I tap into my anger self and take a position of a distorted Fire, which is the only way I know how to send my ‘vulnerable self’ back to where it came from. My desire to project becomes almost unbearable, which tells us how difficult it feels for me to contain feelings of that inner child that comes into full view. When previously attempting to heal this I always resorted to giving it away to someone else, who is better equipped to look after it. It had worked for some time, but this time it seems that it wants me to take her in. It wants to come back from exile.

In dreams this part of me comes as one particular person, which I have come to recognise. It always appears a gentle, good part of me that everyone loves, apart from myself. In dreams as it wants to get close to me (not others even though they are more than happy to take her in) I begin my process of avoiding and running away from it. Last night I had such a dream and reflecting back I do recognise having been doing the ‘rejecting’, but on another level wanting to get close to it also and that’s where the clue lies towards integration. Not all is lost. In the dream last night the soft part of me also decided to reject me and that really hurt. It jumped on a ‘runaway’ train seeking separation from me and expressing its disappointment. That hurt. It is not that I don’t want to, but more I can’t bring myself, don’t know how to deal with it. I reject before it rejects. This plays out in my physical reality in a way of projecting exactly that. What I am projecting is the anger with myself and seeming inability to deal with the vulnerable self. Anger is also laced in disappointment, shame, self-punishment, etc., which also manifests in real life and is projected outwards when the angry self becomes shaming of others, expressing disappointment openly and emotional eating, e.g.

These insights are the first steps towards the ultimate goal of integration. My dreams and being aware of my emotions as I awake every day have been invaluable to me in reaching a position of clarity of what is happening within my psyche and physical body, a key to my conscious and unconscious material. Post-insight comes an even clearer awareness and links are made with the day-to-day manifestation of wounds and conditions, i.e. what one does in their physical reality, relationships, work, etc. that manifests that behaviour. Once awareness is established then come choices, processes we put in place to attempt to heal, trial an error, if you like, but nevertheless there are choices. There are opportunities to put things in place in order to move forward. Healing comes from acceptance and a successful implementation of all of the above and integrating day by day, learning a new way of relating to yourself first and foremost before it becomes harmonious on outside with relationships with others.

Insight – Awareness – Choices – Acceptance – Healing – Integration

I am going on a journey with this part of my process actively this month. It is a challenging time, as we build up towards the ultimate Fire festival and Sun in its full power in nature. My aim is not to get hooked and blow it out to a point of losing control completely. This year it is going to be different and what is not present as much I feel, which is a blessing and new, is fear to engage with difficult stuff. This time I know deep down that if we fear ourselves we fear our potential at the same time and fearing potential is a limiting outlook, which simply doesn’t help us progress. The aim is to put things into a healthy flow, into an energy of progressing with purpose without resistance.

Have a good week.

 

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Growing up in a straight jacket

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In a straight jacket, gagged and tied to a chair. This memory of how I felt came up several times in the last few days, in fact, many emotional memories are beginning to surface one after another in the hope of being integrated. I have to be careful not to get overwhelmed by it. My awareness became acutely sharp to any feeling coming up in my body when I easily and quickly and directly associate it with a particular emotion or attitude, which I had felt before or learnt to do before. This is equally scary and liberating at the same time, just hope I can handle it at this fast pace.

Straight jacket restricts my movements completely. Not able to speak, cry, scream produces an effect of hopelessness and a frozen state in the body. I am gagged. When you are tied up to something while already in a straight jacket you know you are not going anywhere and that’s where fear comes in because of feeling completely defenceless and not knowing what will be coming next. This feels about right in terms of how I felt throughout my childhood. Granted I would never have imagined it being so traumatic if I didn’t take a path towards integration and healing five or six years ago now. It has been a process of unfolding, but I feel so far it has been circling on the surface and only now I am realising the depth of my despair and effects of traumatic emotions, events and experiences.

Many people say they don’t remember their childhood. Many of my clients brought that ‘not remembering’ state into the therapy room. It is an empty energy like a screen wiped clean, yet it is still dirty somehow. When this vibration of not remembering comes into a room there is a sense of fear and suspension in the air, ungrounded, not solidified, unpleasant. It is not surprising that this happens due to past trauma and forgetting is one way of coping with difficult emotions and events that had occurred in early childhood. It doesn’t mean a person doesn’t remember, it means they chose to forget in order to survive, but they do remember, their body remembers. It doesn’t go away, just gets supressed deep in our unconscious. Hence, working with the body often unveils a trauma and it can be a way into connecting emotions with experiences and memories of the past.

What has been coming to me in the last day or so, due to an overwhelming number of memories flooding in, is to sit down and do a timeline. It is an therapeutic tool where an individual maps out any important events in their life beginning from birth up until present moment. This brings awareness to any ‘stuck’ or suppressed feelings and awakens associations with certain events,  building up links with the present moment. This work should be done with careful guidance and unconditional presence of a professional, as feelings that come up are often powerful and must be carefully held and contained, so a person feels safe and comfortable being around difficult material.

I am going to do this myself and see how it transpires. So far I have delved into memories to do with my father primarily, but my mother also came up a couple of times. Different feelings are associated with one or the other parent usually, e.g. supressed anger – my mother, abandonment and fear – my father, grief is an overall feeling that seems to taint all of my traumas throughout my life and today I discovered that my grief is of yellow colour, which would explain my attachment to yellow flowers and subsequently my attachment to pain and suffering. The process is unfolding fast and I felt it would be useful for me to write parts of it down on my blog in the hope it might help others as well as myself to be able to keep an order or a storyline to it in one way or another. Breaking it down into manageable chunks, i.e. small blog posts also clears it out of my head, so I can continue getting on with my daily life. Writing is a powerful tool I have always used in my life and I highly recommend it to all my clients and people I know.

Much love

Parenting with inner child in distress

Girl on swing at sunset

It occurred to me a while back through self-awareness and deeper knowing just how difficult it is to parent when your own inner child is screaming in pain and distress. Makes perfect sense. That deeper knowing within me was present since the age of ten due to my childhood ending very early, at around five. By the time I was ten I knew as clear as day that I did not want to have any children. I was aware of the wounds within myself and I knew that taking on a responsibility of looking after a child could not work for me considering my own child was in so much distress. This was clear as day to me for as long as I remember, so when a child manifested in my life (and what a magical child he is), all my dreams and nightmares at the same time came true. Everything I knew deep down to be true turned out to be true. I found parenting very hard and what made it even harder was my constant awareness of what actually went on inside my child’s mind, body and soul and me not always being able to do anything about it due to the fact that my own inner child displayed raw and bloody wounds most of the time. It was like a competition and a tug of war between my inner child and my actual child. They both had needs, which required my attention.

So, if you find yourself struggling, here is my advice based on observations, self-awareness, years of personal work, psychology and psychotherapy professional training, being an intuitive and empathic, being a parent and a woman with a deeply wounded inner child:

  • Become aware of your own pain, see the pain of your own inner child as it is and for what it is. What do you still feel to this day? What triggers you the most and transports you back to that child place in an instant?
  • Do NOT beat yourself up about things going wrong in your life with your actual child. You are doing your best with the highest awareness possible. No one is perfect and it is a difficult long road to integration. Exercise self-love and compassion
  • Watch your projections and reactions. Pull back into yourself and explore what is happening in the moment and reflect back on certain reactions and behaviours 
  • BE with your actual child and your inner child as much as possible
  • Do not punish or persecute yourself for feeling hopeless and incapable. It is a learning process
  • Ask for help, do not push through something that is very difficult
  • Do not abandon yourself when YOU feel lost and helpless. Pause, make space and time for you. No excuses. Very important
  • Find someone, who understands or goes through the same cycle on a daily basis
  • Talk to your child as much as possible, allow the space for their emotions and expression. VERY important! If you do nothing else, just do this one thing.
  • Play with your child and if you can’t then find someone who can give that outlet to them and simply observe. You might have forgotten how to play and need to learn and allow your inner child to play 
  • Forgive yourself for manifesting what seems like an emotional suicide, don’t punish yourself. Look at it as a learning for the higher purpose. You are healing and learning through your actual child. They are the best teachers 
  • Be honest with yourself, never pretend or hide how you really feel, which makes things worse and puts the process of growth back
  • See the miracle in it, the sacred nature of your child. They are precious gifts
  • Follow a routine for your psychological and spiritual well-being whether it is an hour, day off here and there, sessions with a spiritual counsellor and psychological professional. Stick with it religiously. It is worth it 
  • Create things, paint, dance, etc. whatever you are into. Your soul needs feeding so you can be more present with your child (actual and inner)

There is more, much more. I hope this might help. It is important to acknowledge and realise that this struggle is very real and you are not alone. Parenting is a journey, which will constantly challenge you to learn and integrate. Go with it. Things get better, much better I can tell you. In fact, everything slowly will begin to transform. Commit to your journey and learn as much as you can. 

Teal Swan’s Completion Process

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This morning I went through a Completion Process by Teal Swan. She has been featuring in my life for a couple of years now. I resonate with her energy and adore her signature of vulnerability, intellect, compassion, pain and authenticity. I also like her writing style, which is always clear and methodical. Her latest book The Completion Process is very well written and I am delving into it at the moment.

Teal has been particularly present for me in the last month or so when my Inner child came forth needing attention, work and integration I showed resistance, made excuses, rejected the possibility of doing the work and wanting to hand over responsibility to someone else. Teal’s presence during this time synchronously guided me towards what needed to be done and signals only got stronger and stronger as days went by, more insistent with each day, which was clear to me that I simply could not avoid this and I must participate in my own healing to do with inner child in particular. Soul’s desire was and remains for that aspect of myself to be looked at. It is time, no more excuses, no more dragging this heavy load with me everywhere I go.

I woke up this morning earlier than planned and came across a video in my Inbox with a demonstration of the Completion process. I immediately went with it. HERE is the link. There was a lady in the video working on herself with Teal. I started listening to the process and found myself being able to go into my own process easily, sort of in parallel with the lady on screen. The fact that she was going through her process didn’t hinder me participating in mine fully. The fact that I was able to focus and work on myself while listening and watching someone else do their process told me loud and clear just how ready I was to go with this. It was the most intense emotional experience I had ever done and this is the truth. With Teal’s guidance I was able to stay with myself fully and on another level all together. I really went into the traumatic memories and feelings with my body shaking with tears and images coming through readily. It was such a wonderful opportunity I thought on reflection to be able to do something with Teal even when she was working with someone else.

There are no coincidences there are only pointers and alignments within environment, which lead to a solution or a possibility. Synchronicities. I have experienced this process in my life now for several years and I can say that for me it is impossible not to trust it and in many ways that is how I live my life now, with full awareness of what goes on around me and checking it against my emotional body every time. One might say it has become a practice, which now happens effortlessly.

I came out of the session with a sense of hope more than anything. A sense of knowing that whatever just occurred made perfect sense and that it hugely benefited me in this morning hour. Work will continue, but I feel somewhat braver, less resistant and more prepared to go places and be with it. What stood out for me in the process I had gone through this morning were the following words. See if any of those resonate with you:

  • Surrender
  • Unconditional presence
  • Calm
  • Softness
  • Joy
  • Flow
  • Freedom
  • Fragrance
  • Luxury and comfort
  • Sacred

It is like putting together pieces of a jigsaw when something begins to stand out for you in your life more, e.g. you notice you get triggered more often than usual or you feel in one particular way, e.g. angry, more frequently with seemingly no reason. Notice, I’d say, it all begins with awareness, follow that thread, because it is often a thread of feelings or events or interactions, which will lead to what most needs attention and integration. If you are called to something, follow that path, allow yourself to be curious especially if there is a feeling present of ‘this is right even though scary’. This is what happened to me and Teal’s presence in my world this past month. I am going to follow it further and witness it unfolding. There is a hope vibration and an opening that invites me in and there is something in this that says ‘there is only a way forward’.