The winter of love

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The next couple of posts are significant in recording my journey towards ‘home’, myself and wholeness this year. It was crystal clear towards the end of 2017 that 2018 was to be the year of doing things completely differently, stepping out of life as we know it, as we created it, looking outside the box and leaving your comfort zone. It makes me realise now how important it is to align with the yearly signatures, as when in the same flow and not resisting, avoiding or going against, it aids our progression. Often all that is needed is readiness to listen, to change and embrace all the qualities within us as facilitators on our journey. As Alfred Adler said that it is not about surrendering to your safety zone supported by safe guiding behaviours, i.e. not believing that you can change and keeping yourself blocked indefinitely using the same ways of being over and over, “withdrawing from the challenge of life”. It is about facing life head on, adopting a more courageous approach. We are capable of courageous behaviour provided we are willing to engage in it. This resonates with the process of psychotherapy, which is a journey one undertakes towards adopting and cultivating a more courageous, engaging approach to life, working towards changes that are needed for a more fulfilling life. Over and over I have witnessed clients stepping courageously into areas of great difficulty and facing life head on. It makes my job a very rewarding and humbling experience to bear witness to human resilience and strength of spirit.

So, 2018 is such year when the space is open for us to step into with an open heart and an attitude of something different. I have found this process extremely revealing about the potential within and one that puts you in touch with the whole of your personality. All that is needed is openness and willingness to engage.

My 2018 winter has been profoundly peaceful, calm and gentle time. For the first time in years it was very different. Usually it is a Fire element space for me when I am dynamic, energetic and very productive, a time I engage with various projects and manifest a lot. Not this year. I counsciously decided to stay ‘still’. It almost effortlessly unfolded into a process of me connecting to my heart centre and sides of myself I had not experienced for as long as I remember. I have not felt my own niceness or softness, e.g. for such a long time I forgot, therefore this feeling was new, different yet also imbedded in the knowledge that it was there all along within me. The book that I spent reading throughout winter sang to my heart gently and with each page I felt my being becoming lighter, more open, and softer and engaged with LOVE.

Freeing the Heart (2001) 

After seven years of painstakingly difficult process of opening my heart I felt I was finally there and I still am today. Throughout my life I went through experiencing transcendent love towards another, which stood the test of time. I also visited places completely devoid of love. I spent frequent days of terror not knowing if I was ever to come back from that place where love didn’t exist. Again and again I felt love abandoning me and literary forgetting what that was and feeling nothing for anyone for periods of time. I can truly say that was always one of the scariest experiences in my life, you see, I never knew if love would come back and that felt terrifying. My heart disappeared. Images that I went through in my journey was heart in a cage, bleeding, having a huge piece of glass wedged into it, shrunk heart, a stone and many more. You can read other posts on my blog about my work with connecting with the heart.

This winter I fell in love with my husband and my son all over again in a way I hadn’t felt before. There was deep sense of acceptance and compassion. It was a place where conditions didn’t exist and all I had was a beautiful flow of being present with love minute after minute, day after day. The world around me appeared the same yet my heart was lighter witnessing things much slower, which previously would have thrown me into places uninviting. Most of all I started to ‘fall in love’ with myself, more precisely becoming aware of my essential qualities, my ability to love, give and participate in life in a way that flows not blocks or rejects. It is difficult to put into words and I can only say that this was profound, new, transformative and beautiful. It was as if I was transforming, but actually I was merging back into the self I always was and meant to be.

I noticed how my mind calmed and as it did my heart began to grow open and it no longer felt scary or unsafe. It felt like I was home. In terms of the elements I would connect it to Water element most of all and this winter it was all about water element in its purest form. My opening of the heart was steady, slow, gentle like a bubbling brook in a forest or a small river gently flowing through land. It was not a forceful roar of the ocean or crashing waves of the sea. This makes sense to me. Water has been my shadow element for as long as I remember. It is also my birth element. Aligning and merging with my own Water element made the process of coming home even sweeter.

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Transpersonal Integrative psychotherapist and Intuitive witch

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What are the similarities between two parts within me, which are at play simultaneously. These two occupations, let’s call it that, have a lot more in common than one might think. I have experienced again and again the alignment between the two and it makes complete sense and feels whole.

At the centre of my work is intuition. It is my guiding, navigational, feeling system that allows me to relate and understand the other on a deeper level. Energies go through me and reflect back to whoever is sitting with me whatever I might be working with and it is that ‘going through me’ technique allows me to know what the other might need and benefit from.

Intuition is also used in ‘magical’ workings and 90% of my magic/spiritual work is intuitive, always has been from the very beginning as I stepped on the nature-based spiritual path. It is an exciting journey and I never once doubted what I do or did was somewhat ‘incorrect’, if I can call it that. There is not often right or wrong there is only better or poorer adjustments of what’s available. Some work can be intense and alignment is stronger and in other cases it is less so and effects are subtler. Intuition is something to be trusted and be open to and I am completely and utterly in its power knowing it will lead me where I need to go. It offers a well of possibilities of your own self-knowledge. All the treasure is already within us and one way to access that treasure is through intuition and listening to your inner voice of wisdom.

As an Integrative transpersonal psychotherapist I use myself and my intuition to decide and most of the time know what’s needed, when, how and for who. I pick techniques, approaches and a line to follow from my collection of tools, knowledge and experience through listening to the other’s story and working cognitively, emotionally, spiritually, using my body and being aware of the energy. I use my whole self to inform me of a direction and certain needs of a client. It is deeply relational, on a soul level, one might say, when myself and the other operate as one, as two humans on a journey of discovery. I work as a guide, support system, safe space and a container for the other while they go through a process of transformation. There is no judgement and we embrace an open heart, unconditional love and acceptance.

Magic is involved in psychotherapeutic work. There are often moments of connection and insight in a therapy room, which feel truly magical. Many of my colleagues would agree. It is the same in my work with the elements and nature, talking to trees, creating rituals and spells, working with deities. Magic in both contexts mean moments of divine connection when forces align and energies peak/flow in a certain way  that manifestation/transformation is possible. Results occur as a consequence of a way of working that is deeply spiritual and earthly at the same time. It is rooted in love and relating through the heart.

I am truly appreciative of how parts of myself align into one purpose whether I am being a therapist or a nature adventurer, ritual creator or a spiritual guide. It feels incredibly rich and immensely fulfilling. I can find magic all around me and I look forward to continuing my work with intuition as my guiding force and constant companion.

treasures within

The Land’s calling

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It is the time of my soul’s bleeding with deep connection to the land, which is calling again and again. It is such a powerful pull that it feels painful and pleasurable at the same time. It is a deep yearning within me that calls me to walk the land’s high hills and smell the soil of the old, moist, fresh wind-swept landscape my soul craves. My heart begins to ache in the feeling of missing my other home, the place that doesn’t let go off me when I am not around. It calls, it sings to me and my bones feel its essence. I miss it so much. I want to see stags gallantly walking the forests and hills and standing still staring, undecided whether to run or continue with their curiosity. They are such beautiful creatures, strong yet vulnerable. I yearn to see them in the land’s autumn dress with trees and grass changing colour and air slowly turning cool with a promise of winter. I wish I could stand at the top of a mountain screaming with delight for I am there, I am alive and the land around me embraces me in its vastness.

Every year it seems I bear the separation with hardly breathing and unable to hold my excitement when I am finally released into the land of my soul. I cry, I ache and spend long hours imagining, smelling, walking the hills and forests in my dreams. At times it is unbearable and I cry uncontrollably and I feel like putting on my boots and running towards the land however far. It feels impulsive with no reason existing in that moment of deep wanting to merge with the landscape, immerse my face into a cold water of a Loch and drink the fresh air of pine forest. The wind, oh how I wish to be swept with it and my face blasted with its force waking me up to my core, shaking all the cobwebs out of my being.

Another year, another period of waiting with a heart that aches and loves oh so deep…

Back to yourself. The journey of 2016 so far 

This year many are digging deep into wounds that had lied buried in the unconscious for many years. Some are so deep that when asked our only response is ‘I don’t remember much of my childhood’. This is very common and no wonder. Pain we endured emotionally left many of us numb, avoiding, in a state of shock or dissociation and generally just coping. Humans are good at coping. However, it transpires that underneath all those layers of grief, pain, loneliness, dependency, addiction and pain lies a light, a divine light of our Divine child. What happened to it? Why have we given up on it? Were we ever aware of our own inner beauty, purity and joy?

If you cast your memory back do you remember being carefree, super creative and inquisitive with no sense of time?

All I remember is being alone, in what seems to be constant emotional pain, fear. Controlled, punished, blamed, shamed, criticised, undervalued, a nuisance, not good enough, silenced and ignored. Does any of those come to mind? What are we to do about it?

We must become aware and be completely honest about all our feelings. What we feel in the present when we react, get upset or feel panicked is a mirror to that original primal wound of our childhood. All we feel now we began to feel long ago, we learnt long ago to be a certain way. Waste. Souls shattered and fragmented into parts missing, split and lost. Spirit dimmed to a degree we have no concept of trust, what it’s like to feel joy or be in a relationship where there is unconditional love and acceptance. We cope.
This year we are faced with the universe making the way for us to begin our journey back to ourselves if we haven’t yet started and if we have the rhythm and speed is increased in a way of clearing our blocks towards our own light.

My year began with grief, my primary emotional wound of separation and loss. My childhood ended at five and I remember the moment in my body when I knew this was the end. There was no one to see me or hear me, no point asking for help no one would come. I became invisible and turned into a defended, frozen mute being stripped of joy and playfulness. Grief turned into a physical condition which scared the hell out of me and made me really look at how things manifest when left unattended. Self-love was needed, attention needed to be turned towards my emotions, not away from them. My inner child threw in the towel as continual denial of love and attention persisted with every attempt to reconnect. Hopeless and alone.

When on a spiritual pilgrimage this summer I failed to connect with spirit instead fear and anger was present with mood swings and desperation for freedom. It was a hard lesson in staying present with myself first and foremost instead of seeking to escape. One of my coping mechanisms abandoned me and it was brutal. I was required to stay firmly on earth sorting out the mess created many years ago by people who meant to caretake me. I understood well. I heard it loud and clear and embraced my state of brokenness knowing there was no other way than to dive deep into the dark cave of my primary wounding.

It has been a journey and I continue on a rollercoaster presented to me this year, but there’s now hope, light and more awareness that I know will guide me to places I need to visit within myself. I was allowed to practice my earth based spirituality, work with the land, engage in cooking and creativity. I was allowed to keep that practice having been told it would indeed keep me grounded and present. That came as a relief and a confirmation of my path being truly beneficial to my emotional healing. I feel blessed and hopeful and less fearful in the world that promises many challenges and struggles. I can do it though and we all can. Whatever it takes we will dig the light from within ourselves and meet our Divine child once again keeping it close this time forever safe and present.

Blessings!

Restoring inner peace 

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When you are thrown off course by outside circumstances and you didn’t see it coming it is a sign you left your centre unattended. When things happen you didn’t expect to happen you feel out of control desperately trying to gain control and attaching to outcomes in your thinking that you do want.

Trying to apply control when emotionally overwhelmed is some might say a natural reaction. We become obsessive in our actions, words and behaviour just to avoid feeling lost, empty and uncertain. It works, but a lasting effect is living within a prison of your own desperation to control everything and anything to avoid feelings within yourself, to avoid facing yourself.

When the world around us suddenly feels under threat the best and most important thing we must do is not to leave ourselves but check with ourselves applying soothing understanding and accepting to all feelings and surrendering to what we can’t control. We release out resistance to  unfavourable circumstances and allow the natural flow to occur however negative.

Bring it back to your heart centre by placing a hand over your heart area. Breathe into the space where you feel love and peace. Slow down, stay still, allow for whatever is present to be acknowledged in that moment.

There’s universal vibration at all times that holds faith and hope that all is just as it should be and all will be just the way it is meant to be. All we can do when we are thrown into a state of fear, desperation and uncertainty is stay with ourselves and acknowledge what we do have, what we can control and what we love and appreciate. Do not let go off your joy and peace however tempting it might be to spiral in the opposite direction.

Love and light