Category: existential

What Am I For?

.Reading time 4 minutes.

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A bird, a tree, a rock; they know what they are for, what freedom is

Simplicity of it pierces through me breaking my heart for I can’t reach that state of knowing

Human…

I am misplaced, shapeshifted here and there, but nowhere I know what I am for

I do it all and do it well, as there’s nothing else to be done, yet there is always a bodily grumble, a jerk and a sting in the tongue, as joy is lost and never there

What am I for? I do not know

In constant searching I tire desiring for extinction, yet if not searching then what?

Grabbing onto something, anything, somewhere, but nothing stays, as it should or should it not be that way?

Is being misplaced a ‘what for’ in itself?

The non-human calls me, as it knows what is what, it had always known and for that I love it so

Thrown into this life one more time I swam and walked straight off with confidence, but devoid of knowing what am I for?

Was I for something, but no more? Seem to have had and lost too early, known too soon, aged ahead of time. Is that it? Neither a witch nor a monk, but both

I seem to know a lot of parts

A bit of everything, but no one thing and I want to be one thing

Past love returns through dreams to remind me of the loss and the feeling that burns with such purity and light

It hurts, but the pain is sweet, the pain is deadly, yet alive. Is love what I was for, but no longer?

I drop it all now and again, empty out the way for something to take shape, to become once more

It comes, it stays, and it fuels, but not for long before the craving rises up again for

What am I for?

Now and again I grab hold of the golden thread and cherish it for a time

Before it slips out of my hand once again to become something or anything, but not mine

Am I a shapeshifting entity adapting to what is? Is that enough? Is that worthy of staying, being?

Perhaps it’s always been with nothing solid or constant needed

Perhaps the flow is where it’s at, for I speak of the flow often

Why does the yearning not stop and bitterness grows at times?

Why the peace alludes me and tears always stand on ready

Perhaps, it is a part of a crying body, dark texture of a human that also wants to be

And I am a carrier of its skin and depth

Perhaps, that is just so and what if that is not me, or one or constant

Perhaps, I am the ever-changing sketch of all things life, all voices of the unknown

In times of tiredness I crave the knowledge of the way of trees, rocks and birds

It comes over and over, but a shapeshifter needs rest, space, and formlessness

Hence emptiness is a necessary part of life too

What am I for? A lifetime spent asking questions is a life worth having

Perhaps…

@copyrightNC2020

Beauty in a heartbreak

.Reading time 3 minutes.

When a heart breaks magic happens. It reawakens qualities in us we forgot existed.

Ever since I was young I have been an advocate of feeling. Feeling deeply, openly, letting your pain spill out into the world like a cry from a place of the darkest shade. There’s beauty in suffering and sorrow and that is because something in us awakes when we are broken hearted, sometimes subtly, sometimes profoundly and we all know that nothing can be the same again and we are changed by it. It often goes unrecognised as we are programmed not to feel, shamed and punished for it from tender age and so it goes from one system into another. For as long as I remember I have been revolting against the oppression that is ‘no dark feelings are allowed’ and have been fighting against suffering in silence. It damages the soul to the extent of it being either abandoned or exiled.

Do you know what a gift it is to be able to feel to the deepest places which only soul can touch? Sorrow speaks of the depth of feeling one is capable of and most of the time it speaks of the power of love that is immeasurable and precious. Through the pain it shines like nothing else.

If only we let ourselves feel to the full open capacity, with honour and compassion not only healing occurs but a transformation that takes us to another level of being present in our authenticity. There is nothing more real than a broken hearted being. It’s raw, it’s tender, vulnerable and beautiful.

In my practice I work with feelings more than anything else. It is the work of carving the light out of a dark cave that is pain and trauma. It is hard, labour intensive, emotionally taxing yet when the break occurs and the heart turns to healing through allowing feelings to flow, results are stunning in its beauty. One touches the soul place once more and it speaks of all that’s been forgotten and suppressed. It offers gifts to us that we had always had within and now we can use them.

Feelings are wise. They live in our bodies and attempt to bring us back to who we are truly from the first moment before the world stamped its hard armour onto us. Through opening up to pain we recognise and accept and visit all the places within that had iron gates on them for what seems like eternity. It is that stepping off the predictable, lit and well-walked path into the dark woods where treasures lie and transformation back into the soul beckons.

January – all about death

.Reading time less than 1 minute.
  • This month has been all about death.
  • I just read this powerful essay and I cried and cried. Reality is real and it is here and it will either jolt you into action or into being or will paralyse you. Part of the signature for 2019 is working out what your reality is in the context of the collective reality and here we are already jumping head on into this year’s challenges. Going to be quite a ride. We will be thrown into awakening with quite a force

    • https://scarletimprint.com/essays/rewilding-witchcraft?fbclid=IwAR3nXgQnuhzSRGgn7YJ7eOXd1rNunodb48yNUXO2Ck8uBDXDMHK8_7xEM9o

    Understanding sacrifice 

    .Reading time 6 minutes.

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    I have rejected the idea of self-sacrifice especially after my being got fragmented post stepping into motherhood, which now is clear only came from a point of not fully understanding its meaning and purpose. It always felt like ‘what about me’? The position of a wounded part within, which always felt unseen and unheard, the part, which felt her needs were ignored and not met. Limited perspective.

    It has recently grown into a wider understanding through looking at my mother’s life. I find it’s always valuable to look outwards for examples of self-sacrifice and what that shows and teaches us. There’s one crucial key to self-sacrifice and that is a firm personal choice and from there what follows is meaning making. They go together to be more precise.
    On the surface it looks like she completely sacrificed her life for her husband and kids. It often begged a question ‘but what about her’. I am sure she asked that enough times herself in moments of despair and uncertainty, however, she always remained firm in her choice to self-sacrifice. We might ask why? And the answer is for the greater good, for better outcome all around, for happiness on a wider scale, which she could contribute to. It is her contribution to the wider good and her choice in sacrificing if necessary that carried her through life and, guess what, she remained happy throughout. It is from seeing others happy and content she drew her own happiness and contentment. That always remained her personal choice and one might even say her life purpose.

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    Yearly signatures

    .Reading time 1 minute.

     As 2015 was all about building strong interpersonal relationship. All about love

    2016 was all about intense shadow work, a type where we were given little choice but to face our individual and collective Demons with an aim to understand, accept and transform.

    2017 is all about here and now, being present with yourself and life. It is about questioning what it is all about here in the life that we have created for ourselves so far. It is not so much about reflecting on the past but moving forward and thinking ahead with actively engaging with our present. This year is a great opportunity to consolidate and bring to active being, feeling and doing day by day, moment by moment. It is about creating steps and rituals which root us in who we are and what we are doing here. It is about meaning and purpose and participation in all things heart, community, work, relationships. No more messing around, time to really live! 

    It is about the Sun rather than the Moon, about light with holding darkness in check and awareness. About blooming rather than withdrawing, opening up not closing down. It’s about being a warrior for the good of yourself and humanity at large! 

    Searching for…

    .Reading time 3 minutes.

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    Searching for what I know not

    The invisible, senseless, shapeless something

    Grabbing on to nothingness of what’s there

    Where? Here? Not now, not yet, not ever…

    What do we search for? Meaning, fulfilment, purpose, love, joy, happiness? Moving towards having our needs met, things, adventures and people that make our lives full and our hearts singing, feeling useful and present in life, noticed, heard and seen. What do we want? We want to live and not fade into nothingness, that scary uncertain place no one wants to talk about, but let’s. It is not nothingness or empty when a life lived fully can be felt in our blood and expressed even in our last breath. Dying well, dying knowing and conscious holding on to love and vision to the last moment. Preparing to travel to places unseen and unknown.

    Searching is a natural element of life, like a flowing river always on the run not knowing where it will end or will settle, but it does, I am sure it does and perhaps, then the flow begins again? Like trees stripped of their foliage every year come back to blooming again at some point. Trust, faith in growth and movement of life protects and comforts and it is jumping on board of the train seemingly running away into nothingness or river flowing into place unknown, it is that jumping into life that will carry us through and will lead us to whatever we are searching for. It is a journey of searching, questioning, which contains periods of peace and settled feeling, contentment, slowing down, picking up pace again. It is in the mixture and variety, colour and moments of dull despair and the darkest night there is life itself, which is the meaning of it all. Life is the meaning of life.

    Who made the world?
Who made the swan, and the black bear?
Who made the grasshopper?
This grasshopper, I mean-
the one who has flung herself out of the grass,
the one who is eating sugar out of my hand,
who is moving her jaws back and forth instead of up and down-
who is gazing around with her enormous and complicated eyes.
Now she lifts her pale forearms and thoroughly washes her face.
Now she snaps her wings open, and floats away.
I don't know exactly what a prayer is.
I do know how to pay attention, how to fall down
into the grass, how to kneel down in the grass,
how to be idle and blessed, how to stroll through the fields,
which is what I have been doing all day.
Tell me, what else should I have done?
Doesn't everything die at last, and too soon?
Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?

    —Mary Oliver

    Existential…

    .Reading time 6 minutes.

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    We are born, we bloom and we die. What of those in-between spaces? That is day-to-day living, those are the moments, of which life consists.

    Today, it feels like the past is gone and the future is doubtful and uncertain. There is death anxiety present and struggles with staying in the present moment. ‘What if, if only, can I, when this and that’, how will I, what if I don’t, I suppose I will have to’, etc. – these phrases run through the mind over and over.

    Yesterday I had a vision of my life going forward. I have seen what is there potentially on offer in the next 20 years and it felt good, comforting, grounding and certain, as opposed to feeling very unsettled and doubtful in the last week. It looked contained, structured with challenges and transitional points clearly outlined, but what it didn’t outline was the way one would deal with it and what the actual outcome would be. That is life and no one knows for certain. There weren’t that many things out there, to be honest, it felt clean, clear and peaceful and would present a good life path for anyone, in my opinion. I like that existential language, which often sounds harsh and direct, which goes ‘this is your lot, this is what you’ve got at your disposal, what are you going to do with it or about it?’. I used this with my own clients a few times and it has that vibration of ‘wake up and smell the coffee’. It is startling, but refreshing if allowed to be present with. It is calling to look at life and present circumstances in a very real way (reality check) and see what can be done and how and be aware of the feelings. It is very ‘present moment’, life here and now and what can we do now in order to feel alive and really living. It is calling us to define in a way what we are about and what we want from however many years we might have. I like the idea of knowing what your purpose is and living it out, so to speak, similar to making a decision and sticking to it. I like that vibration of decisiveness and clarity of route.

    I haven’t been in this place before, I don’t think, and if I have been it didn’t come through in the same way. This is really existential. Having gone through a spiritual journey and revival of my soul nature (transpersonal approach), which continues every day, and having looked at childhood set-up and my past (psychodynamic psychotherapy) and worked on self-growth and potential (humanistic approach) what is coming up now is the look at life as it is currently with all there is there, facing cross-roads and defining meaning (humanistic) going forward. It offers options and when one can see a potential path of how things could play out. It gives you certainty to a degree providing one is happy with the vision of their future. I am happy with it for now, as who knows what tomorrow will bring. There is safety in knowing, for sure, and fear in not knowing, absolutely. Both are very valuable. Security and certainty provides a good feeling and so does a vibe of adventure, freedom in a sense of not knowing anything at all. Providing I make it through the years and those around me make it there is a strong chance we make the vision a reality and what a lovely picture that is. In the meantime we live every day as if it is the last doing our best and feeling present and meaningful in our interactions and activities we partake in and feeling ok on the inside. Notice how ‘I’ became ‘we’ in the last few sentences, as I write completely intuitively. There is some meaning in there somewhere pointing towards a collective, community purpose with myself playing a role.

    This phase can be scary and they don’t call it an existential crisis for nothing, as one of the most common descriptions. This, however, really resonates with my personality in terms of questioning, finding meaning and certainty within and following a natural course of life with a few challenges and hardships, but also bagging joyful and precious moments of any day like a beautiful sunrise and a good night sleep, a good meal and a smile of a child. It is all in that in-between space of life, in between we are born, we bloom and we die.