In the last few weeks one of the things that’s gotten clear is the need to upgrade the old technology with the new. Our navigational system of feeling is our technology that is pure heart intelligence that is allowing us to not only see things what they are but to step into a new reality. If you can feel you can see I say and what I mean by seeing is knowing through your inner feeling field what is what. In this way there’s nothing right or wrong it is instead a multitude of truths that all have a place but most importantly we can choose or remain in observance.
Our technology maintenance, therefore, is done with the tools of the heart, intuition, feeling, sensations and a different way of looking and seeing.
I am being shown another way of naming things, for example. Just to describe a vibration to you; it is not forced or slammed in your face as the only new alternative and suggesting we throw everything away. History is history, we don’t need to berate it for ever existing. This call is neutral, if you like, take it or leave it, there’s no agenda only a suggestion of changing a frame around words, language, concepts. This is something I have thought for a while about I just couldn’t conceptualise it until now.
I use the work of the psyche or mental health as an example. Let’s take the word ‘mood’. Often it has a negative connotation attached to it in the context of mental health, for example. Moods are not welcomed especially when they change quickly and drastically. Moods are looked upon as something temperamental and unpredictable and we must stay in control at all times – that’s the goal. We either aim to control a mood, suppress it or cover it up, i.e. pretend we are not feeling what we are feeling. We have become very good at that as a human race. I have explored this moon manipulation and navigation with myself and discovered a lot of valuable material. If we deny a mood we automatically deny an experience and a quality within us or even a part of ourselves. Do you see? Instead of doing all that old mind-led technology stuff I choose to care take my moods. The reason is I need to be able to experience myself fully, just as I am and I call a mood a resonance, which changes according to our experiences in any given moment.
MOOD – VIBRATION
The same goes for a diagnosis. What is diagnosis if not a name for a person’s experience but is it? Is it not empty of that exact thing? It is a label, something to pin it down yet how can all the multitude of experiences of so many can be pinned down under one word? Diagnosis to me is a unique expression of an individual. Everyone expresses various symptoms differently, uniquely. What is it with generalising in this society? Seeps deep into collective of belonging to a race, an army of ‘robots’, an operation, a machine, which operates better when everyone is the same.
Imagine if we put ‘depression with a hint of genius expressed in music or anxiety that helps others predict the weather, etc.’ this is somewhat more specific and valuing of an experience of an individual.
DIAGNOSIS – UNIQUE INDIVIDUAL EXPRESSION
I am sure there will be many more phrases, words, energies that will naturally change towards some alternative that will offer a wider view on choices we can make.
What we are experiencing is a crisis on many levels and what’s at the centre of it is a breakdown of the ‘whole’, a psycho-spiritual crisis of individual and collective. We are facing a long and dark night of the soul. When things no longer make sense, our minds race uncontrollably and feelings overwhelm our every day, fear-based behaviours flare out of control and our safety is compromised. When personal and collective fall away what and how transpersonal can help us get back to ourselves, get back ‘home’.
What are we left with? What else is there?
Transpersonal approach to psycho-spiritual work deals with the idea of human innate potential and bears witness to personal transformations through engaging with or experiencing something beyond ‘self’ when in crisis. Hope reawakens, inner potential begins to shine through and strength previously seemingly inaccessible comes back. As a therapist I have been privileged to be a witness to profound shifts in individuals when working in a transpersonal way. Working with life transitions and crisis is one of my favourite areas due to an openness and beauty of experience that can be had once transformation occurs through awareness, reflection and application. The beauty and resilience of the human spirit is profound. Transpersonal way of working for me, first and foremost, is an interconnectedness and the quality of being with another that holds the key to an effective recovery of all that matters.
When we are faced with crisis we can look at losing something as a way of gaining something else; an opportunity, a ‘welcomed’ surrender without resistance. In breaking down we break through. The crisis becomes a golden opportunity to self-actualise, a path towards what one always wanted to be. Crisis becomes a road ‘home’ towards inner wholeness.
How can transpersonal view help in a time of crisis? Transpersonal psychology ideas were birthed out of humanistic movement of the 1960s and have been widely used in psycho-spiritual work and incorporated in a field of psychotherapy. The actual term ‘transpersonal’ was first used by C Jung in 1917. I see transpersonal approach to healing and life in general as an active, purposeful engagement with ideas such as, hope, meaningful life, human innate potential, divine nature within us all – all of which create a ‘whole’ of life experience. It includes interconnectedness between earthly and spiritual, cognitive and emotional, physical and sensory, person and interpersonal, inner and outer, individual and collective. We have an opportunity to start with ourselves and extend our essential life-force and divine energy outwards. We can do so through nourishing thoughts and meaningful actions, emotional intelligence and awareness, intentional creative life, honouring of the body, practicing enchantment of life and spiritual awareness in a way that makes the most sense to us.
When all structures around us collapse, pillars that held our earthly lives in place, where do we turn for help and containment? What happens to our identity and personal concerns? Through history we have seen individuals, as well as, nations collectively ‘rising from the ashes’ when a surge in consciousness comes forth and personal diminishes. We access our strength, hope and potential in a place beyond personal. We can call it faith, spiritual awareness, experience that has no words, yet its power cannot be denied and transformations are inevitable.
Better knowing your nature one can be more effective in the world and seeing that we are not just one or the other, thoughts or feelings we are the whole experience of life in all its spectrums. In dropping into the dark we discover the light and with light taken away darkness serves as a lesson towards change.
As a result of a crisis what we ultimately look for is:
A path to consciousness through harnessing the unconscious
Inner and outer transformation (individual and collective)
Coming to awareness of the interconnected reality
Joining back in with the individual and collective ‘whole’
Spiritual connection to the divine
What we can do:
Turn within with love, compassion and trust
Have faith in knowing that our potential is limitless. Potential within us all is a hidden treasure waiting to be discovered. When all the external noise, defences, unconscious actions no longer dominate we can clearly see what really is available to us from within.
Become conscious of your unconscious through paying attention to your thoughts, feelings and behaviours. Focus on your personal (with yourself), interpersonal (with others) and extra-personal (transpersonal, spiritual, divine) relationships.
Self-reflect with every step paying attention to words you speak
Be present through the body either through grounded visualizations or other activities that connects you to the physical. I find digging the earth, planting, gardening, walking or running very revelatory, cantering, meditative and often spiritual experiences.
Care-take your insights and implement into life as a way of practicing change, growth and transformation
Know what brings you joy and pleasure; what makes your passion burn; what actions make your life fulfilling and meaningful
“Everything living thrives for wholeness” (C. Jung) and it is wholeness we need to reclaim and rebuild following multiple fractures, isolation, disconnection and loss on a huge scale. Use the crisis to begin the work of rebuilding earthly and spiritual reality based on what matters to you. Spiritual to you might be finding meaning in life or creating a practice that allows you a space where you are most productive, loving, and compassionate. Through individual healing and awareness of the transpersonal, whichever way you choose to access it, use it as a helping hand, a reminder of ‘something more, something better’, we can weave threads of consciousness, however, small at first, as long as there is intention and inner belief in what we can truly do when we commit to healing and recovery.
When all falls apart what’s left is the extraordinary spirit that shines within us all, the innate natural capacities to do things unimaginable that often come force when we are faced with crisis. Through the light of consciousness step-by-step, piece-by-piece we pave the road ‘home’, back to ourselves, a road back to wholeness.
What is the thing that you would say out loud if you were 100% authentic even if just for a moment.
This is the most authentic I have ever been probably and I am saying it out loud and it feels incredibly liberating.
When I was small I was known for saying ‘I don’t want to’ a lot. I resisted, fought, defended whatever my heart held precious and I stubbornly stamped my feet in not wanting either doing or feeling. It applied to many things and now as an adult I understand that state of authenticity and I admire it in my inner little girl even though she lost that fight pretty early on, around five years old. The ‘I don’t want to’ got silenced for life I’d say, but the inner grumble never went away although compliance took over on a scale unimaginable to her but necessary for mere survival.
I never believed or ever will for as long as I live in suppression of emotions of any kind and going against your soul I consider a crime. I have always known that. Life had different ideas, hence a coat of sadness cling to me all my life as a knowing of what’s underneath. Physical beauty only intensified the pain within and the split between inner and outer always felt unbearable. This world always felt too difficult to be in, to handle, to operate and survive. I did. We all did in one way or another. It’s not all bad, of course it’s not, as moments of sheer ecstasy and happiness did come and I can count them on one hand and remember each and every one of them like it was yesterday and always will.
So, last night I wrote this, which brought back the ‘I don’t want to’ back and this time it is near to stay, to speak out loud without shame, worry, care or fear of any kind.
What would you say ‘I don’t want to’ today to help bring yourself back home, to a state where you know yourself as best you can and there are no more cover ups or excuses, only truth, your truth!
Freedom or connection?
Extinction or restoration?
Been in conflict with this since last year and extinction is so wanted. Tired, don’t want to do it, want to be free, not in connection with anyone, don’t want to help or rescue anyone, too hard.
Freedom/death/no more/no faith in humanity/not up to me/don’t want the responsibility
But I am called to do this because apparently someone thinks that I can. Restoration needed
You have got to heal how to be a mother – wow, not that again, don’t want to
I need to be in the right place to activate this, to heal this. No, I don’t. I don’t want to
Ultimately I don’t want to even engage with it let alone dive into it aiming to heal. I feel like I am done and whatever is left will always be and I am ok. Freedom and peace is what I want. I am tired of this world and just want to enjoy whats left for me and my family.
Burn out that’s reached its ultimate peak. All the things that defined me in a forceful way but were never me and what I wanted are now surrendering and giving up. Enough they say, we are not doing it, we are not moving. Stubborn energy and some might relate to it as selfish but to me it is like a defence in the name of my authenticity. It is not avoidance or resistance it is a very firm NO. I really really really don’t want to be there for others when I don’t want or need to be. I want to do nothing. My wants are minimal, very simple and singular. I want to sit in a chair for hours and just look at the trees outside. I want to walk from
Room to room with no particular purpose, I want to write some words and fall into the flow and don’t come out of it till I want to come out of it not when I am expected to break it or interrupted to break it. With a sigh and an inner grumble I do but I don’t want to. I don’t need or want a purpose to define my being here on earth at this time. I don’t need to be somewhere with someone doing something I no longer need to fulfil needs and wants of someone else or an idea that I should. It’s stupid to me and when I have to do it I don’t feel great even though I have to. It doesn’t give me pleasure or joy or anything I’d call fulfilment really because I want none of that and never wanted it really. It all just happened, I fell into many traps and often consciously because that’s what everyone does and blah blah blah. It is boring to me, pointless, flat and dull.
I am also quite tired of discussing it, debating it, going over it like a wound that will never heal and I know it won’t until I stop picking at it and just Forget it is there. It wants to be forgotten too I think. It doesn’t want to be a reminder either. We all want peace and that’s as simple as that. I am not driven to save the world, I am not in a chase after recognition or validation or approval. It gives no value to my life at all. I want don’t need any of that. What I want is just be, observe, be present with my surroundings and write my reflections on what I see, feel and think. I don’t want to make an impact or earn a lot of money or worry about things like school and politics and society in general. Island is my favourite type of land for dwelling where I literally feel cut off and unreachable by anyone or anything. I want to be felt like I am far away or not even existing. I want to be in that sort of hiding and not be interrupted by life as others know it or think it should be. I want little, hardly anything.
Frustration grows in me with this life. I am pushed and pulled and demanded upon and I do love my boys and I am lucky as they understand my need for being, just being with not needing to attach to anything. I do like looking after them but often I don’t want to and that’s ok. We all get it and I am grateful for that.
As my father was fighting for his life collective praying began in various corners of the world in ways each individual knew how, unique to them, in churches, at home, with kids, on the forest floor, at the kitchen table, in the mountains, by a river. In Siberia, Russia, Spain, Hungary, UK and Scotland the family joined forces in the collective healing ritual. We are all blood-tied therefore what each and everyone felt would transmit across land, sky, sea and any distance straight back to my father’s heart.
I walked the land and spoke to pines and forest floor so reminiscent of my birth land back in Siberian forest. Memories weaves through plants, insects and textures. Smells are the same, colours are the same, plants are the same and we joined in the language of reverence to spirit and protection for the heart so precious to us all.
I chanted ‘Dishi’ (breathe) as I planted myself firmer into the land taking deep breaths walking higher into hills and saw ancestors rising up, my grandparents, and father turning into a child, newly born. I spoke with conviction ‘not yet, not now’, Breathe, Wake up, and felt the struggle between life and death happening in my awareness and his parents standing ready.
He woke up, started breathing on his own to doctors’ amazement. And to us, it was the collective strength and praying that succeeded in the return of the spirit that is within this man. He wanted to live all along.
I will be grateful to this place forever and the fact that I was here at the time of my needing to be connected to the land that speaks the same language as my soul
When a heart breaks magic happens. It reawakens qualities in us we forgot existed.
Ever since I was young I have been an advocate of feeling. Feeling deeply, openly, letting your pain spill out into the world like a cry from a place of the darkest shade. There’s beauty in suffering and sorrow and that is because something in us awakes when we are broken hearted, sometimes subtly, sometimes profoundly and we all know that nothing can be the same again and we are changed by it. It often goes unrecognised as we are programmed not to feel, shamed and punished for it from tender age and so it goes from one system into another. For as long as I remember I have been revolting against the oppression that is ‘no dark feelings are allowed’ and have been fighting against suffering in silence. It damages the soul to the extent of it being either abandoned or exiled.
Do you know what a gift it is to be able to feel to the deepest places which only soul can touch? Sorrow speaks of the depth of feeling one is capable of and most of the time it speaks of the power of love that is immeasurable and precious. Through the pain it shines like nothing else.
If only we let ourselves feel to the full open capacity, with honour and compassion not only healing occurs but a transformation that takes us to another level of being present in our authenticity. There is nothing more real than a broken hearted being. It’s raw, it’s tender, vulnerable and beautiful.
In my practice I work with feelings more than anything else. It is the work of carving the light out of a dark cave that is pain and trauma. It is hard, labour intensive, emotionally taxing yet when the break occurs and the heart turns to healing through allowing feelings to flow, results are stunning in its beauty. One touches the soul place once more and it speaks of all that’s been forgotten and suppressed. It offers gifts to us that we had always had within and now we can use them.
Feelings are wise. They live in our bodies and attempt to bring us back to who we are truly from the first moment before the world stamped its hard armour onto us. Through opening up to pain we recognise and accept and visit all the places within that had iron gates on them for what seems like eternity. It is that stepping off the predictable, lit and well-walked path into the dark woods where treasures lie and transformation back into the soul beckons.
It has all been rather grey and moody this month as if life stopped at this place of no particular interest, a downward mood yet not particularly depressive. Confusion, uncertainty and anxiety have been at the centre of the feeling of it all although with a clear awareness of everything actually being all right. There has been motion yet it felt dragging. There has been laughter and warmth with odd moments of grief flying in from nowhere. Most peculiar presentation of the season I’d say, however thinking about it there is nothing really surprising about it. Winter and grief go hand and hand and death and anxiety are good old friends.
I have experienced it all it seems in just one month and something in me can’t help but wonder what the next month could possibly bring.
My body has thrown up another mysterious ailment. Usually these happen in spring for me, but this time it came in winter and I believe it is linked to both grief and anxiety. Those two human issues have been present in my life always and I have come to take it for granted and somewhat my body, the wise old vessel that it is, decided to remind me or rather slap me in the face with asking me to revisit what both of those mean to me. Is it actually good for me to be exposed to it all the time or is it time to admit it is not always the best? I realised that I abandon myself over and over again when faced with grief and anxiety and not only that both signatures go right through my body and always manifest in curious things. I am completely disarmed by them, it seems.
This time I was faced with not being able to breathe. That tapped into my death anxiety and having to face that and look underneath of what that presentation meant, not to mention lung being directly linked to grief and death. How vulnerable I am to it all and how clever my body is to jolt me into considering the consequences.
I don’t want to die gasping to air and I don’t want to live my life waiting for the moment when I can’t take another breath and die. I can’t placate my anxiety or avoid it with doing the exact thing that takes my breath away in a sense of killing me. There is so much connection and meaning to it all. All quite sad, dark and paralysing.
What I am trying to say here and learn from is that our body is so wise and knowing if only we listened to it and for sure there will be consequences if we don’t. That much is clear. I know my body for being friendly and always on my side despite a life-long abuse thrown at it. How much it had to put up with yet never left me and when the ultimate function of air in my lungs became compromised suddenly death stepped in with a possibility of taking me. Truly awakening.
What a month it has been so far. Scary, up and down and everything in between yet nothing at all. In the stillness of winter, indeed, we are often faced with the darkest faces of existence. It is stark in my mind the true meaning of the season this year. There’s a certain old and murky wisdom taste to it this year. Perhaps this will only amplify with myself getting old, who knows, but one just never knows what awaits us.
With Samhain and my birthday now past my new year has officially began. As always it has not been an easy transition in the weeks coming up to this week, to my ‘birth’ and ‘re-birth’ but now things yet again and getting calm and settled and I very much look forward to things to come in my new form, now that I am here again.
On Samhain night I had the ‘big dream’. One of those dreams that come rarely and you know its effects as not only it feels big, it manifests in life big. The overall sense is of arrival, achievement and transformation at its heart.
Ahead there is winter, which I love. It’s the time of year when I come alive, my energy sores to high levels and my creativity explodes. I very much enjoy the chill and crispiness in the air and should we have snow, a lot of snow that would just be a complete blessing. Every winter I pray and wish for snow.
Today my mind turns to goals and dreams for next year. The signature for 2019 is yet to be revealed and that’s what I would normally follow from a collective, spiritual growth and evolution points of view. 2018 has been absolutely wonderful, so new, so fresh and transformative. Full of peace, love, understanding, learning and coming to a place of beautiful simplicity in all aspects. It has been about clearing, moving away from noise and zooming in even more on a few things that matter, feeding my soul and looking after my family.
All the way through the year I have been full of gratitude, relationships that truly matter and releasing the last remaining things unwanted and not needed. Simplifying, clarifying, decluttering and creative space for love, warmth and purity to come in. We have paid all our debts and have enjoyed the process of discovering and re-learning new financial ways and realising how little we all need to be content. I have loved the process so much and have felt lighter, brighter and very fulfilled. I feel I have perfectly aligned with the signature of 2018, which was clear.
Signatures normally come into my awareness towards Yule or just after and I will be talking about that just as soon as I know. For now we are in the period of things behind us and things ahead of us, like dusk or dawn, beautiful spaces in-between filled with potential.