Freedom dream

path to freedom

Rushing around what looked like an intuition of some kind with a lot of people, classrooms and so many various textbooks, papers and materials everywhere I had a feeling I didn’t belong. I tried to join this group and that group and get involved with this class and that desperately trying to catch up. Catch up with what? I stopped and looked around and felt panic enveloping my body and mind. I must go on, I kept saying to myself, or I will be left behind. There was a studious atmosphere everywhere I turned with people of all ages and abilities. Where do I fit? I carried on for a long time getting stuck in with various tasks and sitting down with books, plans and schedules until I stopped. I really stopped when realising I didn’t have to do any of it. I have had an education and already held several degrees and been established for many years. What was it I was chasing? It wasn’t me, it was the voice inside repeating you have to do what others do, you have to join in with the crowd. The truth was I didn’t have to do any of it.

The feeling of immense freedom came into me and I felt relaxed and peaceful as I walked away from the institution representing society, conditioning and the rat race. Ahhh what a feeling to know at any given moment we can stop and say ‘I don’t actually have to, I am free as I am any time anywhere and there are choices all around me. A path of space and freedom opened up and I walked towards a beautiful sunrise.

Grateful, humble, simple and free. There has never been a better feeling to experience.

Photo credit: moow.life Ukraine path to freedom (Google images). Thank you!
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Authenticity dream

Every year’s signature contains an authenticity message at the heart of it. I believe it is the future and has always been something true evolution is made of. The energy of it will only increase with each year and that is the beauty in welcoming a new year where such opportunity exists.

The dream is about authenticity, true beauty, light and dark.

“I was given some stunning liquid of silver and gold that was meant to be put on a face like make-up. It felt luxurious on the skin and looked beautiful. I put it on all over my face and walked into a room with a long table where there were people sitting either side.

One side of the table loved it and admired my beauty. The other side didn’t like it and preferred me without it.

There was a dilemma for myself. What did I like? What did I want to do? ‘The mask’ continued to feel wonderful on my face and looked truly stunning. It gave me a certain advantage and edge, one might say.

In the next scene I am heading towards showers to wash my hair and there is a man, who says ‘if I wash my face off I will no longer be the most beautiful woman in the whole world and will become the second in line after some other woman that will jump to the front. The man smirked and had an expression of warning about it as if to say ‘really think about what you want to do, think twice…’.

There was another man in the room, who had light hair and appeared very quiet, calm with a soft face, the opposite to the first man. Looking at him I knew instantly he didn’t care for my ‘mask’ much or the way I looked at all. He saw through me, deeper.

I decided to get rid of my face make-up and leave my hair unwashed and instantly felt lighter and more grounded.

I took a hand of the blonde man and we walked outside to the light. He appeared to have something lodged in the inner corner of his left eye. A thin stick, a string of some sort. I said to him that I will attempt to pull it out, but it might hurt. This felt like something to do with the way he was seeing things and, perhaps, the object lodged obscured his true vision. I starts pulling the string out, it was very long. The man didn’t flinch or changed in any way, he just smiled gently at me.

We embraced and fell on the ground when I realised I had a pure white coat on and was lying in mud. For a second I was concerned but quickly relaxed and no longer cared in his arms whether my coat would get ruined. His support and acceptance was all I needed.”

One of the best dreams I have ever had

Life is not about you

Last night I had a dream where a message was written clearly out against a dark background

“Life is not about you”

It didn’t go unnoticed and I woke up with a sharp sense of “yes, that is so true”, feeling somewhat light and liberated. My thoughts then proceeded with further exploration of this message. The World is not about you, me, her or them. It is all about life and death and that bit in-between we need to figure out for ourselves. No one is nothing owes us.

Notice what this feels like to understand what life is about. Us humans with our consciousness and super brains, perhaps, as someone said, developed too much with our attachments, our traumas, cognitions that often go wrong, our inability to accept and emotions that go unacknowledged even though emotions came before thoughts in DNA memory. It is tough. I have been hearing again and again over the last few days that we are animals not fit for this age. The advances around us are not fit for the level of our tolerance/coping that we have. There’s some truth and evidence in that. Many are finding comfort in going back to basics and living in simplicity. The world is too much. It is filled daily with things we struggle to comprehend and learn to deal with either by convincing ourselves it is all normal and ok or we seek to escape and put fingers in our ears pretending it is not really happening, or at least not to us, not this time in any case. No wonder it is tough. It seems it is not really about the survival of the fittest, but about ones that accept reality as it is and seek simplicity in being in life. Yes, often that means away from it all and often doing what is only within your capacity and no more. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to move away from it all and, perhaps, that is a wise thing to do, something within us seeking to return to the origins of things. Understanding that the world is not about you and you are not the world but a fleeting moment in its history. Finding what makes that moment worthwhile for you is the thing, keeping yourself well, grounded and authentic, by which I mean staying realistic with what is happening around and either choosing to get swallowed by it or not.

Life is not about you, but more often than not we are offered a choice and that’s a plus of the existence. It is freedom to a degree to take a certain direction that might throw light on what your life is really about.

When we go into nature and stand in a forest trees don’t go ‘I am here, notice me’. Flowers and birds don’t pretend to know more than they do or performed harder than they know how and their sheer individual beauty is not in competition. Yet something within a human always has that ‘I am here’. Dissatisfaction comes from a place of never fulfilling that ‘I am here, notice me’ cry out, which doesn’t ultimately get answered on outside. It is only when stepping out of ourselves we can notice even though only for a minute how ‘unnoticeable’ we really are in the big picture of the world. It doesn’t happen easily though as I think that egotistic way of looking at the world is wired within our DNA, which is hard to separate from. It is liberating though when those moments do happen.

The ‘shadow’ Fire of summer

Fire element in distortion

I am exploring the wounded, sensitive point in my psyche that comes up in June, before Summer Equinox. It produced feelings of depression last year, which lasted all the way to Samhain – a long time. This year I am determined to un-tangled and look at what is going on with an aim to acknowledge, heal and integrate. It is the 3rd June and I have been feeling the now familiar energy rising within already. This feels very hard and resistance is overbearing. The defence is always distorted Fire, which is cruel, ugly, merciless, the kind that burns everything to ash without any hope of new growth or so it seems at the time. This Fire is very different to a healthy Fire, which I would normally tap into during winter, post Yule and that energizes me to a degree of high productivity, enthusiasm, high energy and success.

Fire element in its distorted state prevents life from flowing, yet a healthy manifestation offers a chance for a re-birth. Fire is a glorious element, as it is transformative. We often have to burn, be in pain in order for something else to manifest through it. Calcinatio operation in the alchemical process.

This Fire stops a part of me being seen, it blocks any possibility of reconciliation within the psyche and ‘burns’ everything in my physical reality. Yet, we do come back from it every year and every time I look back on it with bewilderment and gratitude for having survived the ‘war’. It often feels like it. Sometimes it goes on for a month or two, other times it lasts longer and it can be exhausting.

I am writing this in hope that it might resonate with many and to explore/explain what happens when we reject, suppress parts of ourselves we are not willing to bring back, integrate and look at. One might refer to it as the material, which resides deep within our psyche and now and again pops out to say hello and we are in no way thrilled to welcome them back. Then a battle commences to avoid, resist, push it back and not having to deal with whatever it is that is asking to come back.

In my case this is my inner child – an extremely sensitive, delicate, vulnerable self that to the rest of me is so overwhelming I get thrown off-balance every time I feel her approaching. In order to defend I tap into my anger self and take a position of a distorted Fire, which is the only way I know how to send my ‘vulnerable self’ back to where it came from. My desire to project becomes almost unbearable, which tells us how difficult it feels for me to contain feelings of that inner child that comes into full view. When previously attempting to heal this I always resorted to giving it away to someone else, who is better equipped to look after it. It had worked for some time, but this time it seems that it wants me to take her in. It wants to come back from exile.

In dreams this part of me comes as one particular person, which I have come to recognise. It always appears a gentle, good part of me that everyone loves, apart from myself. In dreams as it wants to get close to me (not others even though they are more than happy to take her in) I begin my process of avoiding and running away from it. Last night I had such a dream and reflecting back I do recognise having been doing the ‘rejecting’, but on another level wanting to get close to it also and that’s where the clue lies towards integration. Not all is lost. In the dream last night the soft part of me also decided to reject me and that really hurt. It jumped on a ‘runaway’ train seeking separation from me and expressing its disappointment. That hurt. It is not that I don’t want to, but more I can’t bring myself, don’t know how to deal with it. I reject before it rejects. This plays out in my physical reality in a way of projecting exactly that. What I am projecting is the anger with myself and seeming inability to deal with the vulnerable self. Anger is also laced in disappointment, shame, self-punishment, etc., which also manifests in real life and is projected outwards when the angry self becomes shaming of others, expressing disappointment openly and emotional eating, e.g.

These insights are the first steps towards the ultimate goal of integration. My dreams and being aware of my emotions as I awake every day have been invaluable to me in reaching a position of clarity of what is happening within my psyche and physical body, a key to my conscious and unconscious material. Post-insight comes an even clearer awareness and links are made with the day-to-day manifestation of wounds and conditions, i.e. what one does in their physical reality, relationships, work, etc. that manifests that behaviour. Once awareness is established then come choices, processes we put in place to attempt to heal, trial an error, if you like, but nevertheless there are choices. There are opportunities to put things in place in order to move forward. Healing comes from acceptance and a successful implementation of all of the above and integrating day by day, learning a new way of relating to yourself first and foremost before it becomes harmonious on outside with relationships with others.

Insight – Awareness – Choices – Acceptance – Healing – Integration

I am going on a journey with this part of my process actively this month. It is a challenging time, as we build up towards the ultimate Fire festival and Sun in its full power in nature. My aim is not to get hooked and blow it out to a point of losing control completely. This year it is going to be different and what is not present as much I feel, which is a blessing and new, is fear to engage with difficult stuff. This time I know deep down that if we fear ourselves we fear our potential at the same time and fearing potential is a limiting outlook, which simply doesn’t help us progress. The aim is to put things into a healthy flow, into an energy of progressing with purpose without resistance.

Have a good week.

 

Eternal love

I knew a love once that if my heart was to burst it would give birth to a million stars

I knew a love once that if a touch was to happen a merging of the two would explode into a scene of stunning beauty

I knew a love once that the warmth and tenderness of the offering would forever shelter all broken hearts and loneliness would not exist

The unconditional holding would melt into a moulding of a beauty unspeakable

I knew a love once that tears would flow with ecstasy through every cell of my body and shake one into a glorious being

I knew a love once that forever will visit my land of dreaming reminding me it lives on, it cries on and the embrace of it promises eternal comfort and joy

Throughout the years I have had dreams of profound love that can only be described as sacred and pure in its essence. The dreams would point towards the love living within me that can never be broken, taken away or forgotten. Those dreams wake me up in tears, calm and soothing, joyful and yearning, sad and glorious. As in my dreams I get close to the object representing that love, a side of myself, there is fear and deep knowing that should I touch it and inhale its smell the drowning in love would spread beyond everything I have ever known, beyond this world.

Often these dreams had come in times of emotional trouble as if a reassurance that there’s a force within beyond my comprehension. I struggle to describe the power of it. It is good to know that more frequently it comes when things are settled as if to offer me that sacred touch, the next level of getting closer to it and it confirms it is closer than I think. It is within an extension of my arm, a slight movement of my hand yet the potential of ecstasy is undeniably exciting, terrifying and utterly consuming that I lose my breath every time I make that move towards the inner divinity that shows itself to me in my dreams.

Last night I had the dream. As nature speaks of the union of masculine and feminine from May onwards so does my psyche joins in balance and works towards a culmination of potential flourishing and the re-birth. As the Sun rises to its peak in the next few weeks so do we remain in grateful watching of unfolding the forces within ourselves

Spring Equinox dream

Ostara 2018

I had an Ostara dream of giving birth, first to a girl and then a boy. They were two separate pregnancies and births and both spoke of healing, balance and transformation. As I began to wake up a sense of wonder, peace, joy and satisfaction laid over me with vivid presence. It covered me in a place safe and knowing and I was content.

Both births happened fairly quickly and naturally. They flowed the way, I felt, it was meant to be. A very physical experience yet easy, calm and trusting. It brought a true healing to my experience of childbirth in real life that had been very traumatic and for many years my mind blocked it out and forgotten with the body carrying the trauma within and manifesting terror in many ways. I had birth dreams before, but nothing like this one. Last night it spoke of the way things get birthed into being and when trust and knowing is present it can be a natural and easy process. We hear about it often yet it is not always so and for many reasons.

With spring equinox coming into life the importance of balance comes into place. Feminine and masculine energies begin to birth into what is to become a union later on in May. It felt magical and so timely to birth that experience of both as equal into the world. Both the girl and the boy were born safely and into a lot of love around them.

Birth dreams are often referred to a new beginning, a journey of growth and potentially transformation. Spring is a vulnerable time of transition and many things get born into this world during spring and not everything or everyone survives. It is a time of doubt and trepidation but also hope and a possibility of nurturing and creating.

Prior to my Ostara dream for a few nights I dreamt of dead bodies, body parts and holding on to stuff that had died some time ago. Those dreams are frequent and come about when it is time I let go of the weight of the past and allowed some parts of myself die and bury it ‘not in shallow graves like in my dreams’, but deep within the darkness and nourishment of the earth. Earth is a transmitter of all energy and what’s left always goes where it is needed. Death dreams are always followed by birth dreams. It seems to be a pattern my dreams follow.

This particular Ostara dream also told me that a birth doesn’t have to be painful, traumatic, rushed or unsupported. It can be truly invigorating, hard, but rewarding work and results are delicate and hopeful like nothing else.

As we continue through the next month of changeable weather and uncertain temperatures let us hold on to the feeling of the earth knowing how to give birth to what is to grow into a glorious experience of times yet to come. I

The girl born was called Jennifer. Here is some history of the name, which connects nicely with the overall feeling:

 Jennifer is a feminine given name, a Cornish form of Guinevere/Gwenhwyfar adopted into the English language during the 20th century. “Jennifer” may mean “white enchantress” or “the fair one” (from Proto-Celtic *Windo-seibrā “white phantom”).

Image: https://www.pinterest.co.uk/heidiwoodlawn/ostara/

The Element of winter

water element magic

My way is the Elemental way. I see the world through the five elements and work with them the most in my nature communication, magical weaving and spells and when relating to others. I have a power and a shadow element and the world makes sense to me in a way it is made of the elements all around me.

The season of winter has always been a Fire element season for me, full of creativity, drive, focus, enthusiasm and passion. It has always been a time when my inspiration would be present and my mind clear and full of ideas. I would complete a lot of projects during winter usually. Many writers report the same thing. This year it is different. This time it feels softer, smoother, slower accompanied by quiet, silence and a peaceful retreat into inner spaces.. In dreams I am met with a lot of shadow material and crying physical tears. The season feels closer to the element of Water. As water here doesn’t freeze in winter it is very much present, but in a state of quiet still standing. Perhaps, it depends on where we are at any given point and what our intentions are and currently my preferred state is of slow motion in silence and solitude with no need for many words or interactions. It is a very relaxed state of being with nothing to do and nowhere to go, quite the opposite energy of my usual winters. Water element is in this year’s signature I also feel regardless of what the season is now and yet to come, as we are in the feminine rising energy, but not for the first time. The archetypal flow is quite advanced this time and more powerful than ever. It is very consious and knowing ready to share its wisdom with us all. What would be interesting to explore this year is that contact with water whether we like it or not. Like for many water is my shadow element and a lot of us have grown up with supression of our emotional states (water energy). If we decide to engage with the element purposefully tt will sure take us on a transformational and insightful journey, no doubt about it. There is that opportunity this year in abundance. I am going to embrace it and put some water magic into my practice more. For the moment, stillness and calm are the energies of the month for me and it feels just how it should be.

What’s your element for the season of winter?