On marriage, relationships and partnerships

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An annual trip away together always inspires me to talk about relationships, as valuable lessons can be extracted from an experience of being together in the same place for a prolonged period of time.

What I have learnt over the years is that the secret to a happy relationship first and foremost is a happy and balanced relationship with yourself. Secondly it is about being an individual and staying an individual in a relationship. It is not about changing yourself to mould into a version expected and it is not about changing in order to merge with another it is about staying as you are and growing into versions of yourself that you choose most beneficial. I often say the secret to me is ‘set each other free’ and all will be good. It is not about merging, but it is also not about separating. It is more about travelling along one another on a journey of life, but that journey is first individual and second one that is shared in life experiences, joint and individual, good times and bad. It is a companionship where one doesn’t feel alone, but also wants to be alone and should be allowed to should they need to and we all need time alone. Another saying comes to mind ‘let me be, but don’t leave me alone’.

To me it has never been about any physical attributes, worldly possessions, status or anything like that. It has always been about that look in the eye, that touch of a hand, the energy of a person and most importantly how they choose to live. It is about respecting and accepting that without needing to change anything. It is how one navigates their individual pass that is attractive, it is qualities that they apply to their day-to-day life and their attitude towards the wider world and themselves that leads us in wanting to be a part of their world. Choose consciously, choose wisely, never rush into a place where you could potentially lose yourself – that is not what life is about. It is about finding and keeping yourself, not giving yourself up or losing yourself without a trace.

You don’t have to be alone to self-actualize and grow. In fact it is way more interesting and rich when in a relationship, as partners often hold a mirror to us and we to them and it is a great way to learn about yourself and navigate your shadow and light.

A good relationship is one where a person is allowed specific conditions where to grow, flourish and accomplish their life’s dreams, aspirations and ambitions without feeling like that have to give anything up or sacrifice themselves for anything and I mean nothing. Working together on something – yes, sacrificing yourself – no. It is a place of fulfillment for both parties whatever they choose to do and as they go apart they also come together to share, rejoice and recharge from one another, if needed, perhaps, get inspired. Inspiration from another is also very valuable. It is about stepping into another’s shoes to see the world from through their eyes. That is fascinating and can be a transformative experience, as others see and do things differently often and it is not a bad thing, it can be looked upon as a platform to learn and grown. You can also ‘love it and leave it’ should there be aspects that you don’t resonate with and we all have those. Recognise your partner might also not like everything about you and neither should they. Accepting the whole is vital in a good relationship. What can be done together is cultivation of common or new traditions and values, combining qualities, strengths and weaknesses to generate a formula, perhaps, that is unique to your relationship. What I am talking about is working out what works and what doesn’t, adjust, mend and flow, most importantly flow through difficult moments whether individual or combined. Be kind! Kindness, as well as gratitude, can turn any dark experience into a lighter one.

Yesterday the day didn’t start well with some harsh words spoken, which I often react to on the inside as a block of energy, but I no longer hold on to it for longer than needed. A long time learning to let go now allows me to continue my flow without hooking onto things, words or actions. Later on, I chose to feel gratitude (yes, you can choose what you feel and how you act) and I was so grateful being driven by my husband in a car while I enjoyed a view out of the window of the wild land all around me. I reached out and touched his hand and he recognised it. Moments like this allow for things continue to flow without creating blocks and defences regardless of what had happened earlier in the day. I find these moments soothing and allowing. This morning an extra effort was made to get the day started on a good note and again with a smile I acknowledged that effort (another thing that should be present in a good relationship) and appreciated it, so the flow continued and grew into a wave of love, gentle embrace and connection that the two of us share whatever the situation. Checking in on the connection, whichever way you do it, is also important and that’s what I mean by coming together after going apart on your own business, always coming back together to re-connect.

Wish you a lovely day from Paradise

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Answering the ‘call’

 

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Isle of Mull, Scotland 2017

I heard the call back in 2013 when stepping upon the earth of the soul land my heart exploded. I was tossed and turned inside out with internal screaming bursting into tears of joy and confusion. I was stuck by sheer magic and meaning of what it was like to belong to a place I never knew existed.

It took me a few years to work out what happened back then when I first visited Scotland and every year since then I couldn’t bare be parted from it. It hasn’t been easy going back and stepping into the land that knew my soul so well again and again and having to leave it behind every time with a feeling of deep grief within.

I am still in that place of neither here nor there, desperately wanting to go and needing to stay, having to live the life I have here, which is glorious in many ways. I am content yet yearning never leaves me for the place that stole my utter being and grabbed hold of me so tightly.

With each passing year the pull of the land hasn’t stopped, in fact, it has intensified with each summer when I would make the same journey and every winter when my heart would pine for it. I fought against it and even tried to convince myself it wasn’t real or happening just to test yet the answer was always the same. It is in my bones so deep I can’t be separated from it physically or spiritually.

I lived there before a long time ago and died a gruesome death with my blood spilling directly on the earth and penetrating its cells. I was of the land like a native animal that recognised smells, sounds and colours of every season the land had dressed itself in. I am still of that land, I am still that animal. I can taste it and its distinctive smell never leaves my senses. It is a particular sensation instantly recognisable by me. I can reach it at any moment yet physical separation remains too much to bear.

I live with my heart open and always listen carefully and intentionally to what the next step might be…

 

Getting lost in a forest

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Getting lost in a forest evokes fear that is tangible and real, but it also brings a sense of freedom, potential for adventure and exploration. It brings in hope into being that the right path will be found sooner or later. We all need to get lost sometimes and to find ourselves again.

Today was such a day when I got lost in a forest for the very first time. I couldn’t help but wonder whether that was exactly what was needed. Experience mimicked my state at the time precisely when I felt a bit lost within and struggled to obtain guidance with my inner compass in a bit of a shutdown mode. I don’t think my navigation wanted to work in that moment, come to think of it. It stayed shut down on purpose to let me get lost in order to find something.

Trees all around me spoke of potential today as I entered this particular grove. It called me this morning and without hesitation I went, as I always do. I stood amongst trees delighting in the fresh air and bird song overheard. I felt that love, connection and peace that nature brings and solitude that is so sweet to my soul. I walked off the path, like always do and it was when I had to make a ‘crossing’ that I realised I was getting lost yet that particular road I had to cross. I walked intuitively and intentionally away from places where people could be. I needed to feel through a place, its colours and textures. I needed to hear mud under my feet and feel moisture of tree bark against my face. Most of all I needed to be alone to hear my own heart beating and feelings surfacing as natural as water coming to shore and retreating back into the ocean again. I needed to walk in rhythm with my own breathing, undisturbed and aware. Never before had I got lost, but today I did, however it sprung a door open within me, the awareness of fear, doubt, worry and all those emotions that take us away from ourselves yet connect us to ourselves and inner resources at the same time.

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It was all good, all useful to feel and experience. As I spoke to myself trying to find a way back I carried the inner knowing that all would be good at the end. I had my own back, I was with myself and that was enough. It was good enough, I was good enough. Trust, faith and understanding of what something means or trying to tell us is awareness. It is all in connection all of the time. That road, trees, my feet, body, voice and emotions worked as one, inseparable, in one motion of being on one afternoon. Collaboratively it all leads to something, which is neither good nor bad, but rather both and it is all ok.

Invigorated by the experience I settled into my car with a spark in my heart and I felt complete and grateful. I felt looked after by myself and by the forest around me. A feeling of potential spread all through my body and I inhaled deeply the feeling of spring coming. New hope, growth and planting the seed of what’s to come.

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Unbecoming 11/11

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Today I did something revolutionary in the name of freedom and what that means to me. I turned out a shiny, attractive job proposition, which on the surface looked like it was presented to me on a golden platter with all the right words, smiles and figures, but it lacked something. I sensed the falsity of it all, it lacked depth, soul, I might say. I could see beyond the masks of those sitting opposite me seemingly smiling yet the vibrations of impatience, irritation, hypocrisy slapped me in the face as I questioned them on each point they tried to sell me. Perhaps, none of that was intended and they were simply doing what they always do but I was different. I just didn’t buy it, I didn’t get seduced even though it tapped into my success signature, which is the happiest place for me.

Today I said no to a new shiny ‘prison’ disguised as a bright promise of riches and opportunities. It felt as if I was tempted into a golden cage, but my body felt twisted and tight every time I imagined being in that cage. The knot in my stomach and a heavy weight on my chest brought a sick feeling into me and restricted my breathing. I felt fear, panic, anxiety like before something deeply unpleasant was about to happen. I fought against it and as I stripped myself off yet another old layer I chose freedom. And as I said no to it I came into peace and a relief beyond belief. What other sign does one need? ‘Never go against the feeling’ – my father said to me today to my surprise. It was wonderful to hear him say that, which also meant we aligned on a much deeper level and what a blessing. ‘Never go against the feeling” is something I have always believed and knew within but not often said out loud as I walked through a life full of multiple cages. Now I can safely say the only way to know is to trust the feeling/ intuition and going against it equals going against the knowing of the soul.

I feel like I am unbecoming and remaining empowered on the inside. I also feel like I’ve passed the test of false and somewhat ugly temptation wrapped up in gold.

Only when you say no the real truth is often revealed. Something shifts and exposes from inside out, there’s a release and all the masks fall off. I want my life to be my life. I don’t want to sacrifice my soul in the process of reaching my dreams and dreams I shall realise one steady step at a time.

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Transpersonal Integrative psychotherapist and Intuitive witch

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What are the similarities between two parts within me, which are at play simultaneously. These two occupations, let’s call it that, have a lot more in common than one might think. I have experienced again and again the alignment between the two and it makes complete sense and feels whole.

At the centre of my work is intuition. It is my guiding, navigational, feeling system that allows me to relate and understand the other on a deeper level. Energies go through me and reflect back to whoever is sitting with me whatever I might be working with and it is that ‘going through me’ technique allows me to know what the other might need and benefit from.

Intuition is also used in ‘magical’ workings and 90% of my magic/spiritual work is intuitive, always has been from the very beginning as I stepped on the nature-based spiritual path. It is an exciting journey and I never once doubted what I do or did was somewhat ‘incorrect’, if I can call it that. There is not often right or wrong there is only better or poorer adjustments of what’s available. Some work can be intense and alignment is stronger and in other cases it is less so and effects are subtler. Intuition is something to be trusted and be open to and I am completely and utterly in its power knowing it will lead me where I need to go. It offers a well of possibilities of your own self-knowledge. All the treasure is already within us and one way to access that treasure is through intuition and listening to your inner voice of wisdom.

As an Integrative transpersonal psychotherapist I use myself and my intuition to decide and most of the time know what’s needed, when, how and for who. I pick techniques, approaches and a line to follow from my collection of tools, knowledge and experience through listening to the other’s story and working cognitively, emotionally, spiritually, using my body and being aware of the energy. I use my whole self to inform me of a direction and certain needs of a client. It is deeply relational, on a soul level, one might say, when myself and the other operate as one, as two humans on a journey of discovery. I work as a guide, support system, safe space and a container for the other while they go through a process of transformation. There is no judgement and we embrace an open heart, unconditional love and acceptance.

Magic is involved in psychotherapeutic work. There are often moments of connection and insight in a therapy room, which feel truly magical. Many of my colleagues would agree. It is the same in my work with the elements and nature, talking to trees, creating rituals and spells, working with deities. Magic in both contexts mean moments of divine connection when forces align and energies peak/flow in a certain way  that manifestation/transformation is possible. Results occur as a consequence of a way of working that is deeply spiritual and earthly at the same time. It is rooted in love and relating through the heart.

I am truly appreciative of how parts of myself align into one purpose whether I am being a therapist or a nature adventurer, ritual creator or a spiritual guide. It feels incredibly rich and immensely fulfilling. I can find magic all around me and I look forward to continuing my work with intuition as my guiding force and constant companion.

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Sacred peace

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The feeling of inner peace for me has always been the most unreachable and desirable state I could ever imagine. I simply always knew that it was my deepest desire to be able to taste, feel and introject the signature of what is the ultimate Inner Peace. It always felt like my life has been one big turmoil and unrest within the soul and nothing ever seemed to shift that innate sadness I always felt. Whenever I had come up against challenges, losses, depression, mania, addiction or total abandonment and bitter loneliness I fought my demons from outside in making myself unworthy, making myself disappear in the sea of desperation and hopelessness. I always craved and wished for one day to feel that peace within. I always said that there could not be anything better than a peace of mind, a peace of heart and a peace of my total being. I still stand by that.

Well, it has been a journey and through my life experience I have tasted that what I had desired for so long. I am now able to access that primary positive signature feeling more and more often. How it makes me feel? Humble, soft, gentle, pure, light, whole, all giving and receiving, loved. It is a feeling of a feather gently spiralling to the ground and landing on the earth so softly and gracefully it makes the world stop and witness it with the heart full of love and inspiration.

Lately I have been reading Buddhism teachings and listening to some great teachers, who radiate that feeling I now know well. It exists in other people and we all have potential to reach that place where we are one, we are whole and we are loved unconditionally. When I attempt to describe it to my clients I tend to go into that space where it is alive and it radiates towards whoever is listening and the effect of it is transformational. I do wish to be able to continue transmitting that feeling whenever it is needed for my loved ones and in my work. Just writing about it all I can see in front of me is gentle waves of the ocean licking the shore and air is so still and tranquil it makes me want to cry. It is somewhat elegant, pristine, untouched and utterly beautiful. I can also smell sandalwood and lavender, feel the freshness of air, smell the saltiness of water and earthiness of the ground with my solar plexus feeling warm. I notice how all four elements are present within that feeling, which fills me with joy.

This image is becoming one of my favourite associations with the feeling I describe. Many years ago I bought this statue, but I never knew why I did and what the use of it was for me, I just picked it up and brought it home from abroad. I bought it in a junk shop in Spain, I think. It is very simple yet I have always felt it and over the years it somehow made it to the centre of my altar and stayed there without me moving it anywhere else or even touching it. It ended up to be the centre piece on my Pagan eclectic witchy altar. Only now it is slowly beginning to make sense, as I recognise the signature of the feeling I have been seeking and my attraction to the ‘peace and stillness’ of the figure resonates with my heart. I love it. I will continue my exploration of this beautifully flowing feeling I have come to discover within and seek to amplify it for the purpose of my soul’s growth and bigger development within the structure I live. I remain ever curious and open to all messages that come my way.

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Synchronicities awareness – journey back in time

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My journey through synchronicities today led me to a more clarified state of mind and emotions, which then subsequently led towards knowledge of what is needed to be in place and a clearer sense of direction.

‘I get it’, I heard myself say today several times, as I began my train journey into London. This morning I noticed a sense of excitement within, which is not usually present at the prospect of going into a big, noisy, busy place like a city. There was anticipation and a clear sense of ‘I am going to find out something today’. This was to be a useful exercise and an insightful experience, which, like any experience if done with awareness can help us more forward in our growth.

The weather was overcast with a threat of rain, but I was glad of that and grateful to the universe for providing that extra step where I would be comfortable in attending to today’s business in the city. If it was baking hot, it would have been easy for me to say ‘no’ to an experience however strong the pull might have been. I don’t thrive in heat, my spirit dims and my thinking is foggy. I needed light rain and grey clouds to keep my senses fresh and yes, the universe knew that well. I smiled, as I watched trees slide past the window of a moving train.

When I arrived the feeling of content and curiosity remained intact and as I was walking along old London’s street past old buildings I noticed how many plaques were on the walls and all of them pointed towards a certain artist or a doctor having lived there before – all from the 18th century. Again, my excitement grew and I felt a sense of being transported into the period. I saw a carriage pulling outside one of the front doors and a gentleman helped a lady step on to the pavement. Her dress was modest, but beautiful and everything was in place, as she gracefully walked up the stairs towards the door followed by a gentleman. I was very aware of different smells today – clean, sterile in one place and ‘old’, ‘not of this world’ in another. Fresh white wash paint was another. It was such a sensory experience, as if walls of each building were speaking to me. I realised that buildings just like land connects to my sensory abilities and I am able to read their signatures. I am sure there is a word for this, a name that escapes me at the moment. I smiled, as I am becoming familiar with my connection to the 18th century. In the last year or two there had been signs it was the time I was here before. I am enjoying exploration into that past-life aspect of myself and being shown more and more in terms of what that means and how the past can influence the future in a way beneficial to me.

The place I visited had a lovely ‘crisp, clean and sterile’ feel of a hospital, something I love to experience. The smell of surgical spirit and clean bed sheets – I can clearly see it around the place. For sometime I went into a state of being with that experience, transported into a state I knew well and a place I had visited before and called home.

There was more to come and when it came to the business of why I was actually there I was led into a room with no windows and bang, there it was again – my core trauma of being ‘imprisoned’. I instantly knew this was not meant to be and began to question – why? What was it about the person showing it to me and the actual room that tells me I must walk away. A feeling of sadness was present, but also felt right. When something feels right whether it is sad or joyous we go with the feeling of ‘right’, nothing else matters. We must let go off an attachment to an outcome we might have had before undertaking something. This was one of those moment where I had to let go off my original plan and be prepared to look into this from a perspective of what this is telling me right now. Next room was no better. It was cluttered, dirty and smelt unpleasant. It was in contrast with the room I saw before, which was beautifully decorated and pleasant, but without a window. The room I stood in had a window, but it was covered by a dirty cheap blind. Again, I felt a definite ‘no’ message. Something was not complete yet. I was not ready. There was still more completion and tidying up to do before I could put the plan in action. Very clear message.

As I left the building I felt very tired and had a headache. My spirits were slightly dimmed, but it felt like I did a lot of work having gone on this journey and insights started flowing out of me while I waited for the train back. Crystal clear messages with exact wording of what needs to be done and what I need to ignore. I felt grateful yet again for having listened to the inner voice to go on this trip. I got so much out of it.

I invite everyone to follow that inner voice and tune into yourself daily in hope to align with universal intentions. I find especially in times of uncertainty it is very useful to look around you, to ask for assistance. It comes in mysterious ways and when you immerse yourself into that exploration of possibilities you will be surprised what comes out of it. I have done this several times and the city now called me several times just like the forest would call me in the same way. One got to go when you are called, as there are gems of knowledge lies within the universal and you are very much part of it, so participate with joy and curiosity.

Much love

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