Control – earthly and spiritual manifestations

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Control in the earthly realm is a defence and a place of safety for when emotions feel overwhelming and ‘out of control’. If one was to relinquish control (a core belief), one would disappear for not being able to cope with the flood of feelings. Control serves a function and rightly so in some circumstances when psychological struggle is so great there is no other way. However, to describe this state as it would look externally it would appear one-sided, devoid of emotional engagement and deep sadness for not being able to ‘go there’. This can apply to controlling the environment, others, behaviour, events, structures and yourself that often goes hand-in-hand with self-harm. To decide whether to let go of the control and open up fully to life is a difficult and personal decision that involves a long recovery process.

Sometimes when earthly control becomes unmanageable and challenging one might turn to spiritual in order to feel containment. This is spiritual by-pass and manifestation of that arrival into the spiritual realm will look the same. There will be impossible to progress or be in a way that spiritual is due to that emotional disengagement. One would feel resentful and unfulfilled, as spiritual doesn’t do control. It operates differently and is accessible to everyone but depends the road you approach it from.

In the spiritual there is only flow, there is no tangible experience of pain, loss, time and space. It flows and manifests. It is like the wind, not static or contained, therefore, impossible to control however hard we might try. It requires a completely openness emotionally, physically and letting go of thought structures, etc. Difficult right? Yes, but not impossible. If we manage to engage with the fleeting spiritual experience only for a minute that is already something that will never be taken away. It is moments of bliss, complete alignment with something much bigger than us, a sense of utter stillness, sweet-tasting and transparent like air. In that place we can’t work for ourselves or against the other, we have to work with it. It cannot be manipulated.

With questions come in lately about the publishing process and whether self-publishing is better or worse than a traditional route, my answer and recommendation is to look deeper into your relationship with control, your sense of self, your ability to allow for things to happen, your beliefs about how life experience comes into being. As my life is intuitive in every aspect this is something that comes as anything else natural would. My mind, body and emotions operate in a way that it has its own way of arriving at answers. Perhaps, you are similar? The route that you choose is dependent on many variables, but one thing you can look at is yourself. What are you like with control and why? Do you have faith and trust in what is right will be? Do you believe that things happen for a reason and only when all the elements are aligned something comes into fruition? Can you go with the flow? It applies to anything and this process is no exception. Writing is another process that the idea of ‘control’ amidst others can be explored. I truly believe in experience. Once you had an experience you should be able to self-reflect, analyse (if you prefer that word) and make a choice based on your awareness of your experience. So far for me, e.g. I am a traditional publishing type of person for many reasons. It is about pace, not having control is a benefit, freedom to create in the meantime and many more other factors will be clarified as I go along, I am sure. It is what it is right now and never say never, things change and turn, but what you need to know is your inner true, most fundamental make-up with how you are in the world, with others and yourself. Know yourself and you will be able to find answers to anything.

Last night’s vision

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Black creatures flew over the loch at dusk that planted me in watchful anticipation. They had bodies of herons, bat wings and a sense of ravens about them. They swirled beautifully over the water with their sharp-edged wings, circling in perfect harmony and then settled along the shore edge. The sky shone pink and grey and water sparked in approaching darkness. I held my breath waiting for something else to come out of this picturesque scenario. Out of a flock of this bird-like creatures a leader seemed to appear and as it unfolded its elegant, perfectly structured wings it grew in size and I sensed its leadership. It did not feel malevolent or threatening although there was a sense of caution in what was about to come. The creature’s movements were gentle and carefully placed. It was in no rush to reveal its message to me. I felt I had to really listen, but noticed resistance in my body straight away. What part of me was going to defy this creature’s message? Was I crazy? I watched in awe. I could clearly see bright light seeping from under its black feathery cloak. It was well protected and hidden and there was more darkness than light. I felt a stab of sadness remaining mesmerised by this creature’s beauty. It spoke:

“This is not the place for you, not yet, not now. Go towards the light, not darkness and embrace all that your life has to offer. This is not the place, as it drags you into the land’s wounds and you lose yourself. It is not what is meant for you, not at this point. Draw the light from within and move towards it. We are the guardians of the lake and there is darkness that is familiar to us, but it is not for you to dwel in, not yet. See your own light and take the cloak of what sorrows you off your shoulders. Do not come, do not wait, you are not one of us, not yet, may be not ever.”

I suddenly became aware of the amount of light within myself and a huge part just dying to throw itself forward in its rejection. It made sense yet it didn’t. Sadness entered me once more.

The queen bird took her slender body off the shore and into a graceful flight with her flock following in perfect formation over the lake. I didn’t feel relief. I stood bereft watching them fly away still not quite in possession of the insight, resisting it with all I have. This is going to be a continuous struggle and part of me wants it that way. Sad, hopeless, in chains…

On marriage, relationships and partnerships

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An annual trip away together always inspires me to talk about relationships, as valuable lessons can be extracted from an experience of being together in the same place for a prolonged period of time.

What I have learnt over the years is that the secret to a happy relationship first and foremost is a happy and balanced relationship with yourself. Secondly it is about being an individual and staying an individual in a relationship. It is not about changing yourself to mould into a version expected and it is not about changing in order to merge with another it is about staying as you are and growing into versions of yourself that you choose most beneficial. I often say the secret to me is ‘set each other free’ and all will be good. It is not about merging, but it is also not about separating. It is more about travelling along one another on a journey of life, but that journey is first individual and second one that is shared in life experiences, joint and individual, good times and bad. It is a companionship where one doesn’t feel alone, but also wants to be alone and should be allowed to should they need to and we all need time alone. Another saying comes to mind ‘let me be, but don’t leave me alone’.

To me it has never been about any physical attributes, worldly possessions, status or anything like that. It has always been about that look in the eye, that touch of a hand, the energy of a person and most importantly how they choose to live. It is about respecting and accepting that without needing to change anything. It is how one navigates their individual pass that is attractive, it is qualities that they apply to their day-to-day life and their attitude towards the wider world and themselves that leads us in wanting to be a part of their world. Choose consciously, choose wisely, never rush into a place where you could potentially lose yourself – that is not what life is about. It is about finding and keeping yourself, not giving yourself up or losing yourself without a trace.

You don’t have to be alone to self-actualize and grow. In fact it is way more interesting and rich when in a relationship, as partners often hold a mirror to us and we to them and it is a great way to learn about yourself and navigate your shadow and light.

A good relationship is one where a person is allowed specific conditions where to grow, flourish and accomplish their life’s dreams, aspirations and ambitions without feeling like that have to give anything up or sacrifice themselves for anything and I mean nothing. Working together on something – yes, sacrificing yourself – no. It is a place of fulfillment for both parties whatever they choose to do and as they go apart they also come together to share, rejoice and recharge from one another, if needed, perhaps, get inspired. Inspiration from another is also very valuable. It is about stepping into another’s shoes to see the world from through their eyes. That is fascinating and can be a transformative experience, as others see and do things differently often and it is not a bad thing, it can be looked upon as a platform to learn and grown. You can also ‘love it and leave it’ should there be aspects that you don’t resonate with and we all have those. Recognise your partner might also not like everything about you and neither should they. Accepting the whole is vital in a good relationship. What can be done together is cultivation of common or new traditions and values, combining qualities, strengths and weaknesses to generate a formula, perhaps, that is unique to your relationship. What I am talking about is working out what works and what doesn’t, adjust, mend and flow, most importantly flow through difficult moments whether individual or combined. Be kind! Kindness, as well as gratitude, can turn any dark experience into a lighter one.

Yesterday the day didn’t start well with some harsh words spoken, which I often react to on the inside as a block of energy, but I no longer hold on to it for longer than needed. A long time learning to let go now allows me to continue my flow without hooking onto things, words or actions. Later on, I chose to feel gratitude (yes, you can choose what you feel and how you act) and I was so grateful being driven by my husband in a car while I enjoyed a view out of the window of the wild land all around me. I reached out and touched his hand and he recognised it. Moments like this allow for things continue to flow without creating blocks and defences regardless of what had happened earlier in the day. I find these moments soothing and allowing. This morning an extra effort was made to get the day started on a good note and again with a smile I acknowledged that effort (another thing that should be present in a good relationship) and appreciated it, so the flow continued and grew into a wave of love, gentle embrace and connection that the two of us share whatever the situation. Checking in on the connection, whichever way you do it, is also important and that’s what I mean by coming together after going apart on your own business, always coming back together to re-connect.

Wish you a lovely day from Paradise

Answering the ‘call’

 

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Isle of Mull, Scotland 2017

I heard the call back in 2013 and when stepping upon this land my heart exploded. I was tossed and turned with internal screaming, bursting into tears of joy and confusion. Struck by sheer magic and meaning of what it was like to belong to a place I never knew existed.

It took me years to work out what had happened back then when I first visited Scotland. Every year since then I can not bear be parted from it. It hasn’t been easy going back and stepping into the land that knew my soul so well again and again and having to leave it behind every time consumed by nothing less than sheer grief.

I am still in that place of neither here nor there, desperately wanting to go and needing to stay, having to live the life I have here, which is glorious in many ways. I am content yet deep yearning never leaves me for the place that stole my utter being and grabbed hold of me so tightly.

With each passing year the pull of the land continues, in fact, it has intensified with each summer when I would make the same journey and every winter when my heart would pine for it. I fought against it and even tried to convince myself it wasn’t real or happening just to test yet the answer was always the same. It is in my bones so deep I can’t be separated from it physically or spiritually.

I lived there before a long time ago and died a gruesome death with my blood spilling directly on the earth and penetrating its cells. I was of the land like a native animal that recognised smells, sounds and colours of every season the land had dressed itself in. I am still of that land, I am still that animal. I can taste it and its distinctive smell never leaves my senses. It is a particular sensation instantly recognisable by me. I can reach it at any moment yet physical separation remains too much to bear.

I live with my heart open and always listen carefully and intentionally to what the next step might be…

 

Getting lost in a forest

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Getting lost in a forest evokes fear that is tangible and real, but it also brings a sense of freedom, potential for adventure and exploration. It brings in hope into being that the right path will be found sooner or later. We all need to get lost sometimes and to find ourselves again.

Today was such a day when I got lost in a forest for the very first time. I couldn’t help but wonder whether that was exactly what was needed. Experience mimicked my state at the time precisely when I felt a bit lost within and struggled to obtain guidance with my inner compass in a bit of a shutdown mode. I don’t think my navigation wanted to work in that moment, come to think of it. It stayed shut down on purpose to let me get lost in order to find something.

Trees all around me spoke of potential today as I entered this particular grove. It called me this morning and without hesitation I went, as I always do. I stood amongst trees delighting in the fresh air and bird song overheard. I felt that love, connection and peace that nature brings and solitude that is so sweet to my soul. I walked off the path, like always do and it was when I had to make a ‘crossing’ that I realised I was getting lost yet that particular road I had to cross. I walked intuitively and intentionally away from places where people could be. I needed to feel through a place, its colours and textures. I needed to hear mud under my feet and feel moisture of tree bark against my face. Most of all I needed to be alone to hear my own heart beating and feelings surfacing as natural as water coming to shore and retreating back into the ocean again. I needed to walk in rhythm with my own breathing, undisturbed and aware. Never before had I got lost, but today I did, however it sprung a door open within me, the awareness of fear, doubt, worry and all those emotions that take us away from ourselves yet connect us to ourselves and inner resources at the same time.

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It was all good, all useful to feel and experience. As I spoke to myself trying to find a way back I carried the inner knowing that all would be good at the end. I had my own back, I was with myself and that was enough. It was good enough, I was good enough. Trust, faith and understanding of what something means or trying to tell us is awareness. It is all in connection all of the time. That road, trees, my feet, body, voice and emotions worked as one, inseparable, in one motion of being on one afternoon. Collaboratively it all leads to something, which is neither good nor bad, but rather both and it is all ok.

Invigorated by the experience I settled into my car with a spark in my heart and I felt complete and grateful. I felt looked after by myself and by the forest around me. A feeling of potential spread all through my body and I inhaled deeply the feeling of spring coming. New hope, growth and planting the seed of what’s to come.

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Unbecoming 11/11

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Today I did something revolutionary in the name of freedom and what that means to me. I turned out a shiny, attractive job proposition, which on the surface looked like it was presented to me on a golden platter with all the right words, smiles and figures, but it lacked something. I sensed the falsity of it all, it lacked depth, soul, I might say. I could see beyond the masks of those sitting opposite me seemingly smiling yet the vibrations of impatience, irritation, hypocrisy slapped me in the face as I questioned them on each point they tried to sell me. Perhaps, none of that was intended and they were simply doing what they always do but I was different. I just didn’t buy it, I didn’t get seduced even though it tapped into my success signature, which is the happiest place for me.

Today I said no to a new shiny ‘prison’ disguised as a bright promise of riches and opportunities. It felt as if I was tempted into a golden cage, but my body felt twisted and tight every time I imagined being in that cage. The knot in my stomach and a heavy weight on my chest brought a sick feeling into me and restricted my breathing. I felt fear, panic, anxiety like before something deeply unpleasant was about to happen. I fought against it and as I stripped myself off yet another old layer I chose freedom. And as I said no to it I came into peace and a relief beyond belief. What other sign does one need? ‘Never go against the feeling’ – my father said to me today to my surprise. It was wonderful to hear him say that, which also meant we aligned on a much deeper level and what a blessing. ‘Never go against the feeling” is something I have always believed and knew within but not often said out loud as I walked through a life full of multiple cages. Now I can safely say the only way to know is to trust the feeling/ intuition and going against it equals going against the knowing of the soul.

I feel like I am unbecoming and remaining empowered on the inside. I also feel like I’ve passed the test of false and somewhat ugly temptation wrapped up in gold.

Only when you say no the real truth is often revealed. Something shifts and exposes from inside out, there’s a release and all the masks fall off. I want my life to be my life. I don’t want to sacrifice my soul in the process of reaching my dreams and dreams I shall realise one steady step at a time.

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