Category: conscious living

The ‘shadow’ Fire of summer

.Reading time 8 minutes.

Fire element in distortion

I am exploring the wounded, sensitive point in my psyche that comes up in June, before Summer Equinox. It produced feelings of depression last year, which lasted all the way to Samhain – a long time. This year I am determined to un-tangled and look at what is going on with an aim to acknowledge, heal and integrate. It is the 3rd June and I have been feeling the now familiar energy rising within already. This feels very hard and resistance is overbearing. The defence is always distorted Fire, which is cruel, ugly, merciless, the kind that burns everything to ash without any hope of new growth or so it seems at the time. This Fire is very different to a healthy Fire, which I would normally tap into during winter, post Yule and that energizes me to a degree of high productivity, enthusiasm, high energy and success.

Fire element in its distorted state prevents life from flowing, yet a healthy manifestation offers a chance for a re-birth. Fire is a glorious element, as it is transformative. We often have to burn, be in pain in order for something else to manifest through it. Calcinatio operation in the alchemical process.

This Fire stops a part of me being seen, it blocks any possibility of reconciliation within the psyche and ‘burns’ everything in my physical reality. Yet, we do come back from it every year and every time I look back on it with bewilderment and gratitude for having survived the ‘war’. It often feels like it. Sometimes it goes on for a month or two, other times it lasts longer and it can be exhausting.

I am writing this in hope that it might resonate with many and to explore/explain what happens when we reject, suppress parts of ourselves we are not willing to bring back, integrate and look at. One might refer to it as the material, which resides deep within our psyche and now and again pops out to say hello and we are in no way thrilled to welcome them back. Then a battle commences to avoid, resist, push it back and not having to deal with whatever it is that is asking to come back.

In my case this is my inner child – an extremely sensitive, delicate, vulnerable self that to the rest of me is so overwhelming I get thrown off-balance every time I feel her approaching. In order to defend I tap into my anger self and take a position of a distorted Fire, which is the only way I know how to send my ‘vulnerable self’ back to where it came from. My desire to project becomes almost unbearable, which tells us how difficult it feels for me to contain feelings of that inner child that comes into full view. When previously attempting to heal this I always resorted to giving it away to someone else, who is better equipped to look after it. It had worked for some time, but this time it seems that it wants me to take her in. It wants to come back from exile.

In dreams this part of me comes as one particular person, which I have come to recognise. It always appears a gentle, good part of me that everyone loves, apart from myself. In dreams as it wants to get close to me (not others even though they are more than happy to take her in) I begin my process of avoiding and running away from it. Last night I had such a dream and reflecting back I do recognise having been doing the ‘rejecting’, but on another level wanting to get close to it also and that’s where the clue lies towards integration. Not all is lost. In the dream last night the soft part of me also decided to reject me and that really hurt. It jumped on a ‘runaway’ train seeking separation from me and expressing its disappointment. That hurt. It is not that I don’t want to, but more I can’t bring myself, don’t know how to deal with it. I reject before it rejects. This plays out in my physical reality in a way of projecting exactly that. What I am projecting is the anger with myself and seeming inability to deal with the vulnerable self. Anger is also laced in disappointment, shame, self-punishment, etc., which also manifests in real life and is projected outwards when the angry self becomes shaming of others, expressing disappointment openly and emotional eating, e.g.

These insights are the first steps towards the ultimate goal of integration. My dreams and being aware of my emotions as I awake every day have been invaluable to me in reaching a position of clarity of what is happening within my psyche and physical body, a key to my conscious and unconscious material. Post-insight comes an even clearer awareness and links are made with the day-to-day manifestation of wounds and conditions, i.e. what one does in their physical reality, relationships, work, etc. that manifests that behaviour. Once awareness is established then come choices, processes we put in place to attempt to heal, trial an error, if you like, but nevertheless there are choices. There are opportunities to put things in place in order to move forward. Healing comes from acceptance and a successful implementation of all of the above and integrating day by day, learning a new way of relating to yourself first and foremost before it becomes harmonious on outside with relationships with others.

Insight – Awareness – Choices – Acceptance – Healing – Integration

I am going on a journey with this part of my process actively this month. It is a challenging time, as we build up towards the ultimate Fire festival and Sun in its full power in nature. My aim is not to get hooked and blow it out to a point of losing control completely. This year it is going to be different and what is not present as much I feel, which is a blessing and new, is fear to engage with difficult stuff. This time I know deep down that if we fear ourselves we fear our potential at the same time and fearing potential is a limiting outlook, which simply doesn’t help us progress. The aim is to put things into a healthy flow, into an energy of progressing with purpose without resistance.

Have a good week.

 

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Understanding sacrifice 

.Reading time 6 minutes.

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I have rejected the idea of self-sacrifice especially after my being got fragmented post stepping into motherhood, which now is clear only came from a point of not fully understanding its meaning and purpose. It always felt like ‘what about me’? The position of a wounded part within, which always felt unseen and unheard, the part, which felt her needs were ignored and not met. Limited perspective.

It has recently grown into a wider understanding through looking at my mother’s life. I find it’s always valuable to look outwards for examples of self-sacrifice and what that shows and teaches us. There’s one crucial key to self-sacrifice and that is a firm personal choice and from there what follows is meaning making. They go together to be more precise.
On the surface it looks like she completely sacrificed her life for her husband and kids. It often begged a question ‘but what about her’. I am sure she asked that enough times herself in moments of despair and uncertainty, however, she always remained firm in her choice to self-sacrifice. We might ask why? And the answer is for the greater good, for better outcome all around, for happiness on a wider scale, which she could contribute to. It is her contribution to the wider good and her choice in sacrificing if necessary that carried her through life and, guess what, she remained happy throughout. It is from seeing others happy and content she drew her own happiness and contentment. That always remained her personal choice and one might even say her life purpose.

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When familiar is no longer working 

.Reading time 4 minutes.

 When familiar no longer works you are ready for the next step, upgrade, adjustment.

I had an experience this month where I was left suspended in a vibration, which felt uncomfortable and unsolvable. No tools I have accumulated over the years could successfully be applied to that situation. I fought against it, resisted, projected my frustration onto external and that is normal human reaction when we are up against something that is problematic yet feels like it can’t be fixed. I understood my reaction well to that state as a natural push against something that I felt needed to be fixed or changed. Also to mention that surrender to a situation or a feeling state (one of my tools) also didn’t work.

In terms of elements, which I often use as a model when working with situations and parts of myself I couldn’t describe for the first time which element I was manifesting in my reality. That was the thing that really struck me as the elements always work for me in a simple way to help me understand what is distorted, what I am lacking and what needs to be introduced into the mix. Nah, not this time. There was suspension of all possible ways I have gotten to know to work for me so far in my life. I should also mention that my ‘magic’ seemed to have gone to sleep. There was access to that either.

I became curious about,firstly , what it was about that didn’t allow my known methods to work. It felt like there was an opening for something new to come in. I was meant to learn a new way, take a different step towards resolution and wholeness within myself. I was ready to engage with material completely new and it felt like there would be risks involved, super sharp mindful awareness in every moment and not abandoning myself under no circumstance, which simply only delays the process of learning and integration.

At this moment in time all I have is an awareness of the above having taken place. I am curious to what this will lead to. It feels like I am working through something on my way of becoming something new. Nothing is new within us, of course, there can only be something that we forgot or rejected perhaps. What’s coming up is more shadow work, I feel and whenever that happens I feel excited. Why? Because shadow work always leads to liberation, unleashing of what has been hidden yet can be used in a valuable way. It’s like fining a black box and feeling the excitement of opening it and not knowing what one would find yet it feels like home, you, a gift. And the work is to work out what that is.

I now remember feeling this way back in summer 2016 when all tools were taken away and I was forced to look at my physical reality manifestations. It forced me to get engaged with myself on a serious level, really look at myself in the mirror as the only thing available. I felt I didn’t quite get it that time and therefore, missed an opportunity to upgrade. Now I am being given the second chance and I am ready!

Always question how you feel, observe how you behave and what your thinking is like. Be with yourself always and whenever something doesn’t feel right stop and explore it’s meaning. It’s not that we are doing something wrong it’s about  becoming something new. Something is always growing within of us to be known.

Blessings!

Perfection 

.Reading time 1 minute.

What is perfection? What does it mean for us individually and as a collective idea? What are we made to believe it is?

Perfection is knowing when something is not perfect and accepting it as that.

Perfection is an acknowledgement of non-perfect aspects within us and outside of us.
It is a recognition of the fleeting nature of perfection. It is a balance between all that is perfect with all that is not.
It is a moment of pure joy we experience in nature, music, poetry, when we are aligned ‘perfectly’ with our own potential of perfect.
Perfection is a defence against perceived non-perfect within, a fear of being seen as non-perfect, fragmentation into good and bad when perfection is the whole, all, momentous and wonderful.

Purification process 2016 

.Reading time 1 minute.

Purification and cleansing is the signature of this year. It has been a difficult process like layers being stripped off, removed with swift movements and often without much break in between. It really is time, universe means business, I feel, and yes, it feels abrupt, unapologetic, but necessary. It is also a strange place to be and reconcile with one hit after another of intense emotional states and up and down moods. I hold the faith in nature knowing it is what it is meant to be.

So far intuitive information has pointed towards sorting out and saying good-bye to bad habits once and for all, as it appears that whatever had accumulated over the years in our environment, that would include physical and emotional bodies, no longer fits with the purpose of today. There’s energy of rejection from the body and also the spirit and a message to move up a level in health and consciousness. There’s almost no choice, one has to get on board with what is happening. There’s a need to become lighter and with the vibration of more simplicity and less density comes a more vibrant wise presence on earth. What we really need to do is get out of the way and surrender to the wisdom of our bodies and intuitive knowing.

Blessed cleansing!

Releasing at waning moon 

.Reading time 4 minutes.

  When we talk of releasing, letting go, cleansing out and ending something it is assumed we want rid of something, but that sounds one dimensional in a way. Releasing something doesn’t necessarily mean we want to get rid of something unwanted, bad or negative. The meaning of true release and letting go lies deeper.
What we do want to engage along with a desire to free ourselves from something is a gratitude to that something we seek to let go off. We say ‘release all that no longer serves us’, which always implies that at one point or another, perhaps, for a long time, perhaps, all our lives, that something/someone served us well. It might have helped us to servive, to cope. Perhaps, it needed to be there to facilitate our learning, our exploration of the world and ourselves ultimately. We needed that something to be with us. When we release at waning moon we don’t seek to throw away and banish, but we clear a space for something new to come in and we say deep thanks to that, which did serve us well at one point but no longer does. At that point it becomes clear that it limits and locks our further development and for that reason it is time we released it, let it go.

Releasing, waning moon spells are simple yet very powerful if in context of what it is that you are doing. Every ritual/spell casting time is sacred and intention is clear. 

The Fire element is often associated with releasing/letting go spells, as Fire energy is pure transformational form when when you throw something into flames something else comes out of it. In this case a new you, a new space is created when something dies and something is born at the same time within you. 

Other simple releasing elements are Earth, Air and Water and you can use whatever calls to you at a given moment. You might choose to release a feather into the wind or water or bury some ash in the ground. Listen hard to what your intuition directs you to regarding your releasing work. Follow with courage and reassurance that it is the right thing for you.

Magic is a tool, which allows us to use natural forces to create desires effect and if performed with senserity and integrity in the heart, it is powerful work to which there is always a powerful response is produced. 

Remember be grateful for whatever had served us and release it with love and understanding, appreciation and gratitude for the growth it did facilitate in you or for the shelter it did provide for your wounded soul at one time or another. Teachers come in different forms and often something/someone  we are not keen on prove to be the most valuable participants in our journey to spirit.

Blessings! 

  

Frozen. Mindful healing in nature 

.Reading time 6 minutes.

 
Frozen in the Earth plane consciousness has been my state since yesterday.

Whenever we come up against obstacles and limitations in our daily reality our mind comes forward with thought processes that are not helpful. It manifests in a way of blocking some feelings and often awakening fear and anger.

This morning all I wanted to do was to hide in bed and not see the light of day. I had no feeling in the body and no  sense of smell. My breath was hardly noticeable and I couldn’t  cry. I was frozen.

I forced myself to go for a walk into my woods. Forcing is unusual for me, but here it felt necessary. I noticed as I walked that I had no desire to get in touch with anything around me. I  didn’t want to reach out and touch tree branches or leaves, as I would do normally. I also couldn’t smell anything literally. In terms of vision all I saw was the path in front of me and I said to myself ‘the same old, the same old’. I heard birds singing, but it didn’t reach my senses, had no effect on me. My spirit was saddened, I felt deeply lost, abandoned and empty.

In the moment I decided to surrender to nature and ask it to do to me whatever needed doing. I was seeking mindful awakening. I sat down on a fallen tree and waited. I was set on letting the elements do to me what they would.

For a while I was very still and frozen, nothing happened. My sadness spread within yet no tears came and I decided to walk. I took off my hat and this was something I always did in the woods. My crown chakra and my hair and ears needed to be uncovered. I couldn’t hear or receive much otherwise. When I reached water things began to shift.

I realised that in order for me to ‘unfreeze’ all elements needed to be present around me in order to tap into internal elements. I noticed the Sun giving a comforting glow to my aura through the branches. Woods around me spoke to me of home and belonging,  air renewed my breath, water encouraged movement and flow and the whole forest projected unconditional love towards my being.

I gasped for air and filled my lungs and instantly energised I began to pick up pace and walked with more confidence. I now heard birds around reassuring me about the right path I was on. I started to feel my legs stronger underneath me and I became more aware of my physical body.

Birds flew about their business communicating with one another and I wondered what their life was like. The birdsong was divine in nature and they were forever present in its flow engaging it whenever they needed.

Another tool that is helpful when needing to reawaken senses is getting out of breath. Yes, makes sense, right. One of the reasons exercise is recommended for low mood amongst other complaints. I climbed a hill and got out of breath and instantly felt alive and energetic again within my body. I began to touch trees as I walked, connecting.

Trees have buzzing energy to me like stones do, but softer, flesher due to their connection to the earth. I feel their roots deep in the warm muddy womb.

I was called to expand and kept on walking covering a wider area of the woods.
Tree – standing tall, be flexible release tension I leaned against its reassuring posture. It has access to all, moist earth, clean air, water at all times from above or below and the sun glow of fire. How lucky I think. In parallel we also have access to all elements whenever we need it. The difference is that trees don’t question it, they are just in whatever is present unlike humans who fight and freeze and blow and fly away in all our defences. Nature mirrors back the perfect unity of just being.

As I stood against a tree I became aware of the scent in the air, it penetrated me. My breath deepened and as it usually did my awareness sharpened to all things around me. Feeling returned to my legs and I felt strong once again. My walk also awakened nice memories of spring in Oxford with air so fresh and cherry blossoms everywhere. I also remembered a day out by the sea with my boys in Brighton. Sea air and walking on the beach scattered with beautiful stones and shells.

I become curious whether it was a certain place that my memories were asking me to revisit, or was it simply memories coming alive as reminders of my life experiences.

Feeling much stronger, focused and aware of all my senses I walked back home. Ice melted, feeling returned and balance was restored.