Her devotion

She loved him so he could be free

To be adrift amidst her caring and

Anchored in her home roots

She loved him so he could become

The version only heavens know

To fly in spirit and deed

Come back to her devotion

She loved him so he can feel

The warmth only known through her

To laugh and act as if to see

The world she sees for him

Hidden

Hidden

Unreachable, beyond awareness

Dead to the world

Alive to myself

Linked with the animal and land

And no more

Rejoiced in not found and lost

Until I call for it… if ever

I remain in a way of spirit

Like a ghost to the living

Like a flesh to natural

I am a flower petal as pink as the sky falling beyond the sea

A blade of grass the same colour as ancient hills beyond

I hide in small to become aware of the giant infinity of being

And out there I disappear, as angry feet stamp out all that’s soulful

Away from view yet looking through the brightest biggest window

Hidden away yet fully alive

Life is a journey of moments

A few years ago I was inspired to live intuitively where every sensation, feeling, thought and action would come out of my inner knowing confirming my movement towards what is right for me in any given moment. It transformed everything and since then whenever I veer away from this way of living I notice a huge difference in what manifests in my life and how I feel. It doesn’t happen often as by now it’s become natural for me to be this way and to be frank it’s like a dream where everything makes sense because everything is filtered through the light technology of my own inner wisdom. We all have this ability.

Intuitive way of living is always in line with doing, seeing, speaking and thinking in compete observance, mindful of every nuance of any given experience. It is rooted in the now and grounded in the present moment in its most sharp presentation. Over the last two months what’s been profound is my growing into an ability to be present hundred times more than before even though I was present before but this is up ten levels of embodiment ability of experiencing a moment.

I also found what these times are disproving more clearly that making plans is a part of an old script/story in the collective. It is a tool of the earthly, a part of a control narrative. It is not necessarily bad, more that it is missing the point. What got confirmed more is that planning takes away from the moment in time; yet another operation/technique that takes you away from what we are and where we are. Planning is different to dreams. We all know what is said when plans don’t go according to plan and dreams are often laughed at as something unachievable and silly in the construct collective narrative.

My experience of being in a moment during this time showed me just how different it feels to be truly present. Interestingly enough, in line with that, my addictions/bad habits started to fall away naturally, the things that kept me away from being present.

Life is a journey of moments. I have been saying this for years and what I mean by it is it doesn’t matter what we do or think the moment has its own intention, direction and purpose and when we align with a particular moment we experience something beyond, something that either lifts is up or brings us down but what it does most of all it puts us in touch with ourselves like nothing else can do. There is only now, here, plans are pointless, therefore, as we only truly know what’s now and not what is coming tomorrow or next month or next year. Happiness for me works this way. When one is asked ‘are you happy?’ I think it’s impossible to answer yes or no. In fact it’s odd. Happiness is not this constant, shining thing that continues regardless, separate from experience of multitude of things. It is not possible. Happiness is moments, fleeting yet very noticeable through how they makes us feel. Those moments are rare and far and few between but that is how happiness is. Anything else is just content or satisfaction but even those are better described when pinned to the present moment. You see nothing is separate from now, it seems. It is only in the present a true evaluation of life is possible. Happy life is a journey of moments that never leave you. You always remember those moments and a happy person is a person, who can say that they felt, saw, experiences pleasure, joy, ecstasy, warmth of a certain quality that it got imprinted on their memory as being truly happy. If you had those moments you know what I mean.

You can’t plan these, catch and bottle them or predict them. It appears when it appears and if you live a life of presence and intuitively, i.e. in tune with your feelings at all time, you are more likely to be presented with those moments. You can certainly go in search of them or rather adopt a way of being that is observant in every moment – awareness in other words.

I have been recording those moment lately and yes, sometimes they happen every day and other times nothing happens for some time. In recent year through experience and intuitive life I experience these moments more often or rather I am more aware of them and able to take them in, because, you see often they can be missed, very often. It is worth mentioning that moments can be joyful but also the opposite and that is also valuable as a representation of life as a whole experience in all its colours.

Examples of good moments can be seeing your favourite flower bloom for the first time in spring; that was my moment yesterday with a foxglove. It made my day, as they say. It can be seeing a moment captured perfectly by someone else in a photo and when you see that image something in you signs. It can be a word someone said that rang in you loudly and led you to an important vibrational resonance and an insight. It can be a programme that made you laugh out loud, out of the blue (again mine a couple of days ago).

On the other side of a spectrum we can experience painful moments like seeing an animal skinned or a landscape once blooming burnt to ashes. Those tells us of compassion within us, a desire for a change however small. It is not about avoiding but becoming aware of all that is present and intuition is very good with both spectrums when it comes to directing us towards a certain experience. It really is a gold mine of possibilities, all residing within each of us.

See if you can start noticing moments of your life that change everything in your experience be it as simple as switching a mood or taking you away from an unhelpful thought or as big as making you decide to do something radical.

Reframing the world one word at a time

above-adventure-aerial-air

In the last few weeks one of the things that’s gotten clear is the need to upgrade the old technology with the new. Our navigational system of feeling is our technology that is pure heart intelligence that is allowing us to not only see things what they are but to step into a new reality. If you can feel you can see I say and what I mean by seeing is knowing through your inner feeling field what is what. In this way there’s nothing right or wrong it is instead a multitude of truths that all have a place but most importantly we can choose or remain in observance.

Our technology maintenance, therefore, is done with the tools of the heart, intuition, feeling, sensations and a different way of looking and seeing.

I am being shown another way of naming things, for example. Just to describe a vibration to you; it is not forced or slammed in your face as the only new alternative and suggesting we throw everything away. History is history, we don’t need to berate it for ever existing. This call is neutral, if you like, take it or leave it, there’s no agenda only a suggestion of changing a frame around words, language, concepts. This is something I have thought for a while about I just couldn’t conceptualise it until now.

I use the work of the psyche or mental health as an example. Let’s take the word ‘mood’. Often it has a negative connotation attached to it in the context of mental health, for example. Moods are not welcomed especially when they change quickly and drastically. Moods are looked upon as something temperamental and unpredictable and we must stay in control at all times – that’s the goal. We either aim to control a mood, suppress it or cover it up, i.e. pretend we are not feeling what we are feeling. We have become very good at that as a human race. I have explored this moon manipulation and navigation with myself and discovered a lot of valuable material. If we deny a mood we automatically deny an experience and a quality within us or even a part of ourselves. Do you see? Instead of doing all that old mind-led technology stuff I choose to care take my moods. The reason is I need to be able to experience myself fully, just as I am and I call a mood a resonance, which changes according to our experiences in any given moment.

MOOD – VIBRATION

The same goes for a diagnosis. What is diagnosis if not a name for a person’s experience but is it? Is it not empty of that exact thing? It is a label, something to pin it down yet how can all the multitude of experiences of so many can be pinned down under one word? Diagnosis to me is a unique expression of an individual. Everyone expresses various symptoms differently, uniquely. What is it with generalising in this society? Seeps deep into collective of belonging to a race, an army of ‘robots’, an operation, a machine, which operates better when everyone is the same.

Imagine if we put ‘depression with a hint of genius expressed in music or anxiety that helps others predict the weather, etc.’ this is somewhat more specific and valuing of an experience of an individual.

DIAGNOSIS – UNIQUE INDIVIDUAL EXPRESSION

I am sure there will be many more phrases, words, energies that will naturally change towards some alternative that will offer a wider view on choices we can make.

My life is…

I live my life dreaming of my life. It is like a mirror that is turned away from my actual self. I could never find words before for what I experience living my life, but now I see how its back is turned to me and I can only watch it from a dream distance, from afar that is beautiful. It’s neither disconnection nor a merging. It is two ends of the same string that never meet, but always observing in proximity of one another. It is neither unreachable nor allowing to meet as if a suspension is what I experience without ever knowing if it is permanent or temporary. Does it hurt? Not always. What does it mean? I hope or rather have faith in the two ends meeting one day and if it is never to be I know there will be a reason.

For now I live my life dreaming of my life or seeing others live it right in front of me. It makes me cry so, it makes my heart move in awkward positions, it twists me on the inside but also awakens something deeply felt inside. That is a sign that it matters, it has meaning, it is yearning to be completed and so for as long as there’s that craving of the soul and I can see the other end I continue in observation of the life that is my life but not yet.

I don’t want to…

What is the thing that you would say out loud if you were 100% authentic even if just for a moment.

This is the most authentic I have ever been probably and I am saying it out loud and it feels incredibly liberating.

When I was small I was known for saying ‘I don’t want to’ a lot. I resisted, fought, defended whatever my heart held precious and I stubbornly stamped my feet in not wanting either doing or feeling. It applied to many things and now as an adult I understand that state of authenticity and I admire it in my inner little girl even though she lost that fight pretty early on, around five years old. The ‘I don’t want to’ got silenced for life I’d say, but the inner grumble never went away although compliance took over on a scale unimaginable to her but necessary for mere survival.

I never believed or ever will for as long as I live in suppression of emotions of any kind and going against your soul I consider a crime. I have always known that. Life had different ideas, hence a coat of sadness cling to me all my life as a knowing of what’s underneath. Physical beauty only intensified the pain within and the split between inner and outer always felt unbearable. This world always felt too difficult to be in, to handle, to operate and survive. I did. We all did in one way or another. It’s not all bad, of course it’s not, as moments of sheer ecstasy and happiness did come and I can count them on one hand and remember each and every one of them like it was yesterday and always will.

So, last night I wrote this, which brought back the ‘I don’t want to’ back and this time it is near to stay, to speak out loud without shame, worry, care or fear of any kind.

What would you say ‘I don’t want to’ today to help bring yourself back home, to a state where you know yourself as best you can and there are no more cover ups or excuses, only truth, your truth!

Freedom or connection?

Extinction or restoration?

Been in conflict with this since last year and extinction is so wanted. Tired, don’t want to do it, want to be free, not in connection with anyone, don’t want to help or rescue anyone, too hard.

Freedom/death/no more/no faith in humanity/not up to me/don’t want the responsibility

But I am called to do this because apparently someone thinks that I can. Restoration needed

You have got to heal how to be a mother – wow, not that again, don’t want to

I need to be in the right place to activate this, to heal this. No, I don’t. I don’t want to

Ultimately I don’t want to even engage with it let alone dive into it aiming to heal. I feel like I am done and whatever is left will always be and I am ok. Freedom and peace is what I want. I am tired of this world and just want to enjoy whats left for me and my family.

Burn out that’s reached its ultimate peak. All the things that defined me in a forceful way but were never me and what I wanted are now surrendering and giving up. Enough they say, we are not doing it, we are not moving. Stubborn energy and some might relate to it as selfish but to me it is like a defence in the name of my authenticity. It is not avoidance or resistance it is a very firm NO. I really really really don’t want to be there for others when I don’t want or need to be. I want to do nothing. My wants are minimal, very simple and singular. I want to sit in a chair for hours and just look at the trees outside. I want to walk from

Room to room with no particular purpose, I want to write some words and fall into the flow and don’t come out of it till I want to come out of it not when I am expected to break it or interrupted to break it. With a sigh and an inner grumble I do but I don’t want to. I don’t need or want a purpose to define my being here on earth at this time. I don’t need to be somewhere with someone doing something I no longer need to fulfil needs and wants of someone else or an idea that I should. It’s stupid to me and when I have to do it I don’t feel great even though I have to. It doesn’t give me pleasure or joy or anything I’d call fulfilment really because I want none of that and never wanted it really. It all just happened, I fell into many traps and often consciously because that’s what everyone does and blah blah blah. It is boring to me, pointless, flat and dull.

I am also quite tired of discussing it, debating it, going over it like a wound that will never heal and I know it won’t until I stop picking at it and just Forget it is there. It wants to be forgotten too I think. It doesn’t want to be a reminder either. We all want peace and that’s as simple as that. I am not driven to save the world, I am not in a chase after recognition or validation or approval. It gives no value to my life at all. I want don’t need any of that. What I want is just be, observe, be present with my surroundings and write my reflections on what I see, feel and think. I don’t want to make an impact or earn a lot of money or worry about things like school and politics and society in general. Island is my favourite type of land for dwelling where I literally feel cut off and unreachable by anyone or anything. I want to be felt like I am far away or not even existing. I want to be in that sort of hiding and not be interrupted by life as others know it or think it should be. I want little, hardly anything.

Frustration grows in me with this life. I am pushed and pulled and demanded upon and I do love my boys and I am lucky as they understand my need for being, just being with not needing to attach to anything. I do like looking after them but often I don’t want to and that’s ok. We all get it and I am grateful for that.

Inner silence

Silence is a state where things do happen, but it is subtle. It appears in a natural order and flow of external and internal. It is not the absence of things, it is a different experience and a feeling of everything around.

Most of us know how pleasant silence can feel on outside. It is relaxing, soothing and spacious. We notice the silence around us especially when we seek it and our bodies welcome it. But external silence is useless if there’s an absence of silence within. To become silent from within is a real skill. It requires practice. When one masters internal silence and, by mastering I mean being able to come back to it over and over, not just experiencing it once, that’s where true pleasure and bliss is. Something I have been discovering over the years. When I am silent on the inside everything on outside slows down and softens. Triggers, hooks and reactions get muted somehow. They still happen but there is no noise or longevity to any of it. That state is truly and genuinely blissful. Body is relaxed in a real sense through the physical, not through mental visualisation of relaxation.

One of the first things I practiced when started exploring inner silence was to remain silent when on outside there was a situation that would ordinarily provoke a reaction or had a potential to trigger an emotion. I practiced not reacting and remaining silent and there it began to happen, the softening, the flow, the non-attachment. It felt freeing and like something new was entering my experience. It felt healing, delicate and utterly compassionate to myself and others. Inner silence is neutralising to any outside turmoil, external wars that we are presented with all the time in life. Furthermore, it appeared to neutralise my own historical wounds that would normally open and start to hurt. Instead it felt balm-like, a gentle stroke or a silky, most delicate feeling of pacifying everything. It didn’t feel false or forced, avoidant or resistant. Everything just was as it was only with the inner silence I remained intact and so did the world around me.

I have been on a life-long journey towards inner peace. Since I was a small child I knew that’s what was missing not just in me but in everyone around me. It’s no surprise for anyone with this physical reality and all we go through and finding peace amidst it all felt important. Remaining silent, taking a sacred pause was something that worked compared to all other methods that I now know came from a mental-state involvement. We simply can’t think ourselves peaceful. It has to be on a feeling level, on a physical body level, on a level that allows a different space to open up. We all have that space within but finding it takes a long time and it is so worth it when one does.

I am looking to further my experience and practice of inner silence and wonder what else can lead there. It needs and wants to be practiced on a collective level almost due to how it feels and effect it has on everything. I invite you to try finding your way of finding inner silence and truly feel it.