2020’s priceless gift to me

This past year has brought the biggest insight of my whole life and from their it felt like my life finally began. It has been a missing piece for so long and I will be forever grateful for the freedom that insight brought me.
I finally became aware that My biggest need is not to meet the needs of others. That is the truest, most profound realisation that myself had to hear. Everything that hasn’t worked hinged on me being unaware and not seeing this one truth for me.
This understanding of my greatest need and the cause of so much pain and sorrow in my life brought an end to my work as a therapist. The relief was like no other I had ever experienced, which was a confirmation of claiming my personal freedom back. Manifestations that followed only amplified the important of the piece of my unconscious self needing to die and I let it go gladly and openly with compassion and care for myself and gratitude for all the hours I spent helping others all my life.


They say a wounded healer is the best healer and that is true and unsurprising. As those of us, who feel deeply into everything, dwelling in our pain and of others, especially others, comes naturally, as natural as not knowing any other way of being, as natural as breathing. But is it good for us? No. Our freedom literally is always out of reach for as long as we put others ahead of ourselves always with no conditions and with an open willingness to sacrifice, to be there no matter what. In doing so we condemn ourselves to more pain, to more suffering and never ending cycles of going backwards looking for more pain, the more the better. It crates an environment and a hunger to seek the depths of despair and almost revel in it. They call it pain addiction.


I knew there was something else, something different that screamed to be born and that was allowing for things to end and let myself live. I literary had to save myself and to do that this anomaly, this other way had to come in. The death of it came naturally in 2020 in many ways with closure of many avenues due to pandemic, due to getting ill and not functioning it was a soothing voice of the universe telling me it was time. In death I was reborn and the wings that I long lost grew back again.


They say with each ending there’s a beginning and that has been true for me over and over. We have to be brave enough to include our own needs into equation and meet them. It takes a lifetime often, but it is what’s meant to happen at the end when we start the journey of paving the road back to self, back to life of not suffering and pain, but choosing joy, peace and a simple yet the most profound pleasure of being alive.


It’s been a year of insights and transformations for so many and it gives me such hope. May this evolution continue with each coming year and with more momentum and intensity till we can all say that we vow to live our best lives and create haven on earth whatever it might mean for each of us.

Nature is all there is…

Nature is the original intelligence, life-force, evolution and transformative realm that just is. I like working with nature as the most primary source of all intelligence grounded in the body, clarity of thinking and depth of feeling. Most of all it doesn’t seek to enslave, manipulate or control. It is of free will and choice and in not wanting anything from you essentially encourages sovereignty and that is priceless. It demonstrates and shows how things can unfold naturally when one is allowed to be and grow in a way one chooses. I admire all things nature for that.

Another aspect is simplicity and inclusive sense of all belonging together and working together. It doesn’t try to be something it is not and has no concern for whether you are for it or against. To me it is the most perfect example of how to live. It is all consciousness and it doesn’t have labels. It has clear, purposeful, intentional cycles of life and death. In its inclusiveness it is perfection.


As an elemental and intuitive witch and all around nature-based spiritual practitioner, I have learnt from nature starting from the ground up with studying the nature elements and the qualities of each, which like a mirror reflected back to me what my qualities are; those that are weaker and those that are distorted and where I am most balanced. It taught me that listening to your own elemental self will never lead us astray. It just wouldn’t make sense for that not to be true.

Another thing that I can’t live without and is like breathing to me is beauty and where else one can experience things more beautiful than in nature. My belief has been for a long time that beauty will save the world. In nature it is not all butterflies and flowers, however, it is about survival and predation, violence and death yet even in those manifestations there’s immense beauty. One only has to experience a storm and the devastation it can cause or get in contact with the poisonous and dangerous species yet so stunning. I don’t believe it is always a disguise I believe it is meant to be beautiful in all forms. We only have to see it for what it is and not for what it is not depending on what our mind would tell us is good for us or our needs. Beauty is everywhere and it only takes one moment of immersion into something beautiful, however minute, allows a possibility of being pulled back into our own beauty, because we are one with that in our combined elemental nature. Nature brings enchantment back into our hearts and that enchantment can bring such changes to how we live.


Many treat nature as God and it is easy to see why and it is not wrong, but what I most appreciate is that it doesn’t see itself as either above or below. It just is, being, flowing and morphing from one manifestation to another without any concern for an external human or any other influence. It doesn’t have that need or awareness of that being necessary. It is sovereign and it encourages us all to be. It calls for us to get in touch with our souls and return to self, to the original.


To understand what I mean one only has to connect to something nature-based, anything of what you consider nature and in time a sight develops, things become clear, parallels are drawn and lessons learnt. There’s no greater teacher than our natural world and it will remain my religion, solace, happiness and peace.

Strawberry tree

A big tree like a mighty oak, one with a wide, embracing thick canopy, but instead of leaves on branches there hang big red ripe strawberries. They smell strong and juice looks about to burst out of them. I pull branches down and begin to pick the berries off and where I pick more grows in its place. Berries so fragrant and juicy overwhelm my senses and I can’t get enough of their delicious taste. I begin to think of how many people I can share these berries with, as there are so many. There’s plenty for everyone and I want others to taste what I taste. People, who seemingly own the garden where this tree grows watch me with great satisfaction, as this experience is meant to satisfy and delight. That’s the purpose of this bountiful tree and they rejoice in my pleasure of eating these berries that never run out.
A dream to remember that was gifted me on New year’s day!
Let us all hold hope, belief and abundance in our awareness for all the days that we are here. Life is a beautiful gift and we owe it to ourselves to have the most glorious fulfilling experience. Start with yourself always, whatever your goals, and extend it outwards. From within becomes without and the cauldron of your inner space is a sacred space. Remember you are always enough and whole no matter what. Taste that strawberry first, absorb its juice fully and then offer it to the world! With each morning comes another chance of life and if you let it be there’s abundance to be had.

Blessings on your journey.

I am whole…

Isle of Mull, Scotland

An open view as far as the eye can see. I can even feel beyond that. For the first time in many years the picture is complete with every mountain sketch, rock, shoreline and bird in the sky in full view. The sun is high yet gentle and blues and greens are in perfect harmony with a splash of purple and pink in corners and edges of the land. We are approaching. A castle stands proud above the cliffs that shelter a sheer drop. It is still here. I delight in that reassurance.

When a view opens up from a living room window it is vast. You can see and feel the mountains breathe into the sea and exhales come as waves and splashes that freshen everything up. Everything is injected with life. It is overwhelming trying to take it all in. It feels like I can’t decide if there’s too much air or not enough of it. It is a sensation of possession by raw instinct that makes you want to take your shoes off and run to the edge of the vista that sprawls open in front. The end of the earth is there. Senses are both sharpened and relaxed. It is intoxicating to a point of wanting never to sober up. Silence is otherworldly.

I sit at a large kitchen table surrounded by lush green landscape with rowan and gorse, ash and oak in faithful surround. Those trees know the land intimately, they know they belong. I can’t take my eyes away from large windows in front of me, which makes it impossible to work. It takes a few days to be able to fit into this pristine environment and realise where I come from and where I am. The contrast is shockingly stark. It is a process of bedding in, acclimatising slowly and steady or you might just suffocate.

I decide to go for a walk, something I have been looking forward to for a whole year. My beloved walks in nature and here I find everything. It all is just as I left it last time. I find it reassuring and comforting. It is all here, still. When I am away I often wonder if things change when I am not there to see it, will it all still be there? Will I have another chance to live it? One never knows. Every time I find it is just as I left it and it is a relief and something beyond beautiful and soothing to know it will outlive everyone and everything.

I walk along a path and silence wraps me up in a cloud of peace. It is palpable, ethereal like nothing else on earth for me, the most precious commodity and a gift. I cherish it with every land’s breath, every leaf movement and rain drop that makes up the silent chorus that is nature being. My heart is in my mouth and I am deeply happy. There’s nothing else I need or want in that moment and if it was to be the last that would be a glorious end. I always feel that way here in those moments when there’s no past or future and the present is so perfect and complete that nothing else is needed or matters.

I continue on the path but not for long as I am a habitual off-the-path walker. I always need to go in where wild resides. I need to get close to it and it makes itself known by making scratches on my legs, sticking things to my clothes and dipping my feet in mud. I fee feral and ecstatic. Makes me feel I belong that little bit more. It is the unknown yet feels like home. I scramble up a wooded hill and it is like my own invisible circle – a place where magic is the law not just a possibility. It is all so simple and fresh. It is always there and doing its thing. It knows itself as much as anything on earth can ever know. This is a true nature of things. I want to be that way if only I never had to leave or having to do things or even think. Humans are limited through complicating things. It is never simple in our minds and we dwell in those self-imposed prisons without realising it, by habit automatically. Awareness comes not easy to us.

I wrap my arms around a silver birch trunk, wet and earth-smelling. Its smooth bark is like a touch of a loved one. My grandmother comes to mind and memories of walking in silverbirch forests in my childhood flood in. Every touch here means something, every smell is a reminder how entwined I am with nature in my body and spirit. I lose track of time. There is no time here, only life, only what you see and feel.

I am having to drag myself out back on to the path. Deer to my left startled and frozen as they pick up my scent. They look right at me before fleeting, cautious and on guard always. I smile. Fresh and clean air hits every inch of my body and I could almost be floating I feel so uplifted as happiness spreads through me. I let my hair loose and stand catching every bit of the breeze that is sweet and the most soothing thing I could ask for. I stand still for a minute hungry for more, taking each breath and there’s more coming. I can’t get enough there’s so much on offer.

I get moving again and come across some cottages by a loch-side. I always wonder what it must be like to live in such a place. I used to get envious to a point of passing out but since have learnt a lot more. At this point I am under no illusion that it is easy. My initial idealised vision has truly been grounded in reality of life on an island, in a land so wild, raw and free that one has to work at belonging. Every cottage makes me think and wonder of a possibility of a compromise. It is a symbol of a relationship between a human and nature. It offers a possibility of finding out if one is brave enough.

Stroking a thick coat of a highland coo I touch something primal. Animals bring a sense of kinship to my instinctual animalistic self. I am in love every time I touch an animal. They are warm, looking right at me with their black eyes and there is a connection no doubt. A lot can be learnt from the beasts of that land. Birds of pray are everywhere here, they are noisy one minute and gliding silently the next, barely there.

Time to turn back. I am so happy, utterly at peace and content. My body feels satisfied like it’s had the most nourishing meal. Nothing else needed. Nothing needs to be added or taken away. It is complete. I am whole.

Elemental

Link in breath with what’s desired

Blow all that serves you not

Be authentic and inspired

Worry what may come or not

 

Liberation from entrapment

Comes from knowing within

Fire, Air, Water, Spirit

Earth the Mother fully seen

 

Elemental is your wild

Beating heart of what is raw

Beauty piercing devout

Lives within you ever more

 

Walk the walk of burning passion

No turning off the path

Listen, be, with no caution

Full embodiment of trust

Hidden

Hidden

Unreachable, beyond awareness

Dead to the world

Alive to myself

Linked with the animal and land

And no more

Rejoiced in not found and lost

Until I call for it… if ever

I remain in a way of spirit

Like a ghost to the living

Like a flesh to natural

I am a flower petal as pink as the sky falling beyond the sea

A blade of grass the same colour as ancient hills beyond

I hide in small to become aware of the giant infinity of being

And out there I disappear, as angry feet stamp out all that’s soulful

Away from view yet looking through the brightest biggest window

Hidden away yet fully alive

What Am I For?

dawn_dusk_evening_fog_landscape_mist_moon_morning_604253

 

A bird, a tree, a rock; they know what they are for, what freedom is

Simplicity of it pierces through me breaking my heart for I can’t reach that state of knowing

Human…

I am misplaced, shapeshifted here and there, but nowhere I know what I am for

I do it all and do it well, as there’s nothing else to be done, yet there is always a bodily grumble, a jerk and a sting in the tongue, as joy is lost and never there

What am I for? I do not know

In constant searching I tire desiring for extinction, yet if not searching then what?

Grabbing onto something, anything, somewhere, but nothing stays, as it should or should it not be that way?

Is being misplaced a ‘what for’ in itself?

The non-human calls me, as it knows what is what, it had always known and for that I love it so

Thrown into this life one more time I swam and walked straight off with confidence, but devoid of knowing what am I for?

Was I for something, but no more? Seem to have had and lost too early, known too soon, aged ahead of time. Is that it? Neither a witch nor a monk, but both

I seem to know a lot of parts

A bit of everything, but no one thing and I want to be one thing

Past love returns through dreams to remind me of the loss and the feeling that burns with such purity and light

It hurts, but the pain is sweet, the pain is deadly, yet alive. Is love what I was for, but no longer?

I drop it all now and again, empty out the way for something to take shape, to become once more

It comes, it stays, and it fuels, but not for long before the craving rises up again for

What am I for?

Now and again I grab hold of the golden thread and cherish it for a time

Before it slips out of my hand once again to become something or anything, but not mine

Am I a shapeshifting entity adapting to what is? Is that enough? Is that worthy of staying, being?

Perhaps it’s always been with nothing solid or constant needed

Perhaps the flow is where it’s at, for I speak of the flow often

Why does the yearning not stop and bitterness grows at times?

Why the peace alludes me and tears always stand on ready

Perhaps, it is a part of a crying body, dark texture of a human that also wants to be

And I am a carrier of its skin and depth

Perhaps, that is just so and what if that is not me, or one or constant

Perhaps, I am the ever-changing sketch of all things life, all voices of the unknown

In times of tiredness I crave the knowledge of the way of trees, rocks and birds

It comes over and over, but a shapeshifter needs rest, space, and formlessness

Hence emptiness is a necessary part of life too

What am I for? A lifetime spent asking questions is a life worth having

Perhaps…

@copyrightNC2020