Black winged creatures flew over the loch at dusk. The scene planted me in watchful anticipation. They had bodies of a heron, wings of a bat and a sense of ravens about them. They swirled beautifully over the water with their sharp-edged wings, circling in perfect harmony and then settled along the shore. The sky shone pink and grey and water sparked in approaching darkness. I held my breath waiting for something. Out of a flock of these bird-like creatures one came forward. It unfolded its elegant, perfectly structured wings and grew in size and I sensed its leadership. It did not feel malevolent or threatening although there was a sense of caution in what was about to come. The creature’s movements were gentle and carefully placed. It was in no rush to reveal its message to me. I felt I had to really listen, but noticed resistance in my body straight away. What part of me was going to defy this creature’s message? I watched in awe. I could clearly see bright light seeping from under its black feathery cloak. It was well-protected and hidden and there was more darkness than light for certain. I felt a stab of sadness mesmerised by this creature’s beauty and then it spoke:
“This is not the place for you, not yet, not now. Go towards the light, not darkness and embrace all that your life has to offer. This is not the place, as it drags you into the land’s wounds and you lose yourself. It is not what is meant for you, not at this point. Draw the light from within and move towards it. We are the guardians of the lake and there is darkness in it that is familiar to us, but it is not for you to dwell in, not yet. See your own light and take the cloak of what sorrows you off your shoulders. Do not come, do not wait, you are not one of us, not yet and may be not ever.”
I suddenly became aware of the amount of light within myself and a huge part just dying to throw itself forward in its rejection. It made complete sense to me yet resistance was strong as if my natural skin was being torn off my limbs, but, perhaps, it had to be done… Sadness entered me once more.
The Queen bird took her slender body off the shore and into a graceful flight with her flock following in perfect formation over the lake. I didn’t feel relief. I stood bereft watching them fly away still not quite in possession of the insight, resisting it with all I have. This is going to be a continuous struggle and part of me wants it that way. Sad, hopeless, in chains, in a state of obsessive addiction and seeking to be entrapped by sorrow.