Home land

Earlier this summer I sat with my father looking at the map of Scotland, as I explained to him our travel plans, and suddenly he started going over each area naming it, as if it was a map of Russia, specifically Siberia. He gets it, ‘I thought’, and it meant so much to me. Some deep felt understanding between us, even when often unspoken, always produces a connection, which holds answers and links to what we are together, separate and where we come from. He knows what I mean when I talk about the land. He knows the feeling I speak so much of as if he feels it too and, I think, he does, in his own way, as we both had separated from our land a long time ago yet the yearning had never gone away. Does it ever leave you? Not if it is part of your soul’s tapestry.

Only this morning looking at pictures of Siberian nature it really landed for me that Scotland is as close to my ‘home land’ as I am ever going to get. I feel so at ease and comfortable there. I have called it home on many occasions and there are things that just make sense to me when I am there. Love makes sense, intense grief makes sense and tears of sorrow and joy that come every time I arrive and leave make sense. Within me there had always been a sense of separation from home, although well-hidden, which when young had not been processed and felt and this is what I have been feeling for the last few years. It is not simply a case of loving visiting a place, it is a case of ‘this is where I want to live and die’. There is nowhere else for me. It feels like an obligation to my soul and I now get what many immigrants had felt before me and many still do. I get what I have been doing the last few years in awakening my connection to a home once lost and never to be regained. My deep love for Scotland is my love for home.

Here are some pictures of Siberian nature. Perhaps, you can see what I see. It has always been about lakes and pine forests for me, deer, mountains and rivers, small villages and community living. As I write this, my heart aches. Ever since I came back to my house in the South, I have been in physical and emotional turmoil. It hurts being here and the feeling is so real like a culture shock and a need to acclimatise and fit back into the order of things that is here and not where I belong. I am left once again bereft, confused and heartbroken that gets harder to bare each year.


2 Comments on “Home land

  1. I *think* most people have a special place or area that tugs at their heart strings – a place they could call *home*. Of course, the reality of living in such a place might be very different from visiting or passing through as a tourist.

    But I do get what you are saying. I live on the edge of a very large urban area. Countryside and open fields are literally a 10 minutes walk from my door, but much of it is under threat from building. As the pressures of the city work outwards, I can see and feel the changes, physical and subtle. I despise the noise of urban living – the cars and trucks and general ‘hum’ of dense human activity.

    I’m still looking for my place – I know I can’t stay here for much longer. I’ve seen a few places I feel as if I could call home, but I’m still searching for that special place. I’m pleased you have found your place. Are you going to act on this feeling?


    • Hope you find it, Martin. I haven’t been able to act on it, as there are other people in my life that I must consider, but if I was on my own I would act on it today without hesitation. Seeing what will happen and whatever is meant to be will be, I am sure.


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