This year is all about transformation on a level unheard of before. It is about renewing in ways completely fresh and bold, something that had never manifested in our lives. We are born in an energy of a great opportunity to change things radically, to look at ourselves with no excuses or hiding behind what is familiar. In many ways there is nowhere to hide and neither does it make sense any more. Masks and personas are becoming extinct and the spirit calls for us to embrace ourselves in what we have always meant to be.
Over the last few years May Day for me had been a sad time of hiding and illness, falling into a trap of a script playing out during that time over and over. Within a fail before or on the day there will be obstacles, emotional, mental and most of all physical that would prevent me from any kind of celebrating. A negative masculine would rear its ugly head and any kind of merging with a Green Man would become an ugly prospect. My mental state would become so bitter and angry at the masculine that a sight of a May pole would be a big ‘no, no’. This year just when I thought I was ok, having previously set my intention on not falling for the old tricks of my unhealed past, it struck again with manifestations in my internal and external life where masculine was not good to me. I fell into sadness, as predicted, but then something within me continued to fight.
As I was on my knees with a back pain digging the earth and planting potatoes slowly and carefully I tapped into the sadness in my chest and decided to talk to it. I became aware of a soothing, soft voice of a reassuring adult within me talking to the Maiden part of myself. I realised within my spiritual practice I had also been falling for some dogma, or what I perceived as certain rules. My wanting to be like others during this time and following instructions came up for me in my awareness and my adult self immediately realised just how ridiculous that was, yet how powerful the pull was for the Maiden. It had a vibration of ‘prison’, again, a very familiar primary wounding signature to me.
At Beltane it is all about signing, dancing and merging with the Green Man and frolicking in the woods to a sweet love song followed by an act of physical and energetic love. Well, my Maiden didn’t feel like it and the job of my adult self (The Mother side) was to reassure her that she did not need to do anything she didn’t feel like doing. She was strong and powerful enough in her own right without having to rely on another, whether it is an energy, deity or a real man, for validation and a way to help transform things. Acknowledging it was enough without having to give away parts of yourself, if that’s what it felt like to her, to something she simply did not resonate. Beltane was about more than that.
I rose from the earth feeling stronger and noticeably less sad, but I did feel the anger/Fire bubbling within me. It felt like a much-needed fire to employ in the work of redefining what Beltane can be about for me. It is a Fire festival, a welcoming of the Sun and the beginning of summer. I turned to a Celtic way of thinking about and working with the energies of the season rather than, perhaps, a more Wiccan interpretation and it made complete sense. During Beltane Celts would put cattle outside and herds would walk in-between fires ensuring a good, prosperous harvest in months to come and health and vitality to live stock. It is about tending the land and taking care of crops and animals. It is about ancestors, as during this time the veil is thin once again, honouring their way of life and relating to nature and its cycles. Spring turning to summer, seeds bursting into life just as I am learning to embrace the Sun and welcoming it into my life and cycles as something benevolent, helping, warming and encouraging rather than a stunting ‘masculine’. I aligned with the energy of bringing warmth into proceedings to support my own nurturing of goals and dreams planted between Imbolc and Spring Equinox. The Sun is needed as invigorating energy of pushing growth forward.
The Fire element is the only ‘deity’, if one can call it that and I certainly can do as I relate to the elements the most, which combines feminine and masculine in balance within me. I can completely relate to Fire within me that comes from either side depending on what is required in life. And so, I am going with the Fire this Beltane, as a symbol of transformation and support for the growth and prosperity and peace of the Earth and also within on a more personal level. I am part of the earthly cycles and I really feel that separating from what is happening in nature around me just makes no sense and as the summer approaches with a promise of great achievements and bounty, so I align with the energy within me. It is a beautiful promise, a new way of embracing the warming Sun within. We all can do with the quality of warmth and Fire can be divided into so many facets, which we can benefit from. It is passion, drive, warmth and justice, a fair fight and confidence, commitment and enthusiasm. Such rich manifestation of all that is needed in the world and we must thrive to tap into that potential, align with that energy.
My altar is simple and minimal this year with no heart crystals, couples-related figurines or pink candles in sight. It is simply about nature’s blooming supported by a warm light of candles, i.e. the Sun. What I am noticing outside is a blossoming Hawthorn, a nature’s way of telling us it is Beltane time and summer is coming. I can’t stop touching and smelling its flowers in admiration and reverence. I also notice how attentive and caring I am this year with my seeds and plants. It feels so grounding and so at home that I feel nothing else is needed.
Tonight I am lighting that Fire to honour the season, ancestors and life cycles on earth and within me openly, freely with complete understanding of what this means to me. This is my Beltane redefined, healed, perhaps when the Maiden is growing up and becoming a woman in her own right, a mother, wise, caring and allowing.