I have been feeling fear, dread, constrictions in the body, doubt, discomfort and not belonging anywhere in the last week or so. It intensified as the week progressed and when my husband and son went away for the weekend I was left on my own, which, to me felt good and bad at the same time. This split is not unfamiliar and something I have been working with for a couple of years now. It brings new insights every time and this time it was staring me in the face yet again wanting to be decoded and understood. Not an easy task, as I always felt that this particular ‘split’ was one of the major conflicts that was potentially stopping me expanding. It always felt very significant and powerful. I truly feel this one in my body, this fear of ‘going out there’ on one side, and a desperation to ‘go out there’ on another. I feel it deeply in my solar plexus and it is very strong and very real. Gripping, constricting, uncomfortable, nausea-like feeling, holding my breath, not seeing very clearly – all of these feelings present in the body at the same time. It also spreads towards my heart where I begin to panic, cry and struggle to catch my breath, as if the ground is slipping from under my feet. Fear!
Oh, how I struggled with the conflict of being happy to be on my own and all those possibilities to delve deep into myself. I have been seemingly craving the space. On the other hand, I feel scared, lost, restless and alone. It has a feeling of light and darkness to it, empowered and wounded, innocent and wise, child and adult. I again didn’t know what it was, but it was there.
Cards (Link to the cards HERE) that I pulled this weekend were incredibly insightful, in fact, this was the first time I experienced such forceful and crystal clear accuracy with a Tarot deck. It felt powerful, as if they were speaking to me in a very clear voice and I felt it was almost impossible not to explore and follow their messages further. Well, I tried very hard and this was part of my journey towards the insight I received at the end of the weekend.
The Catcher (self-doubt, negative thoughts about myself)
It took me slightly by surprise but I very quickly realised that this was what was happening actually I was simply pretending it wasn’t. I felt shaky and uncertain and noticed having to distract myself with cleaning, shopping, cooking and eating for most of the day. I was frozen in the feeling of ‘lost’ with another part of me wanting to do spiritual, insightful work and with the next card it told me specifically what I could be doing.
Spiritual Guide (ask for help, seek guidance)
I looked for some guided meditations in relation to spirit guides. I already followed a process of my own for this, but I felt starting a fresh might be a good idea and trying something new might shift things. I found it, but the process surrounding me actually doing it shocked me. Resistance was incredible and delaying tactics kept coming in all day long and before I knew I was in bed desperate to go to sleep in order to complete the day. I did not want to do it, I was not going to do it and I was scared to do it. There was a lot of fear.
When I went to bed that night I felt hopeless, alone and helpless and was resigned to the decision to stay at home tomorrow and just focus on one task, e.g. reading. I did not want to go out anywhere or try to shake this feeling of deep discomfort I have been carrying since Friday. I was already becoming more and more aware the night before that clearly something is stopping me to feel the way I want to feel and do the things I want to do, so when I pulled the card in the morning I was determined to try and ‘break’ some of the barriers without knowing.
Breaking through Barriers – this one was the most telling and important and it said ‘there are barriers that stand between you and what you want and now is the time to break through those barriers.’
I started to realise that what I was scared of was my own power, of my own insights, of my own healing. I was aware of holding my breath and being on guard constantly, restless and whenever thinking of or attempting meditation I would end up crying.
I jumped in the car and drove to some new woods I never visited before. I was determined to feel whatever I was meant to feel and see if anything would begin to shake off this feeling of helpless discomfort and constriction of fear in my body. The place felt quite old and dark, it was a mixture of dense, lifeless almost patches of trees with lush green clearings. The fear was ever-present and I stuck to the path initially, something I wouldn’t normally do, but I was feeling more vulnerable than ever before.
Woods reflected the signature of fear clearly. Even though I was drawn to clearings, light openings I remained seated in the dark, dense part of the forest where I was hidden. Part of me wanted to be seen, stand tall and stretch my arms and part of me was cosy in the darkness away from anything and anyone that can see me. Was I comfortable? No. Did I move? No. As if time and space becomes frozen in the feeling of discomfort and yes, fear.
Almost straight away I encountered deer running across my path. There were three or four of them and they were pretty close to me. I also encountered big black ravens sitting on twisted branches of the darker part of the woods. They were loud too. Both deer and raven are my primary spirit animals with deer representing innocence, gentle nature, spiritual lightness, grace and with a raven being a mysterious messenger, wise with a sense of humour. I always found with a raven one should be at a certain level of wisdom and got to be prepared to go on a journey to get an insight. They don’t give their messages out easily and it is always a mystery, never obvious or clear, very symbolic. One must be prepared to spend some time exploring the raven’s domain to reach the insight. I wasn’t prepared to go there this morning, feeling vulnerable, scared and weak emotionally.
After wondering about in the darker side of the woods I began to feel sad wanting to go home, feeling hopeless with no relief and also getting a headache, from trying too hard no doubt and not able to relax. I got in my car and drove home and as I was driving an all-important image HIT me and from there insights flowed in like a string of perfect beads neatly put together.
It was a child-like creature holding a jar full of magic and power, it seemed. It was clutching tight to it scared for it to fall or open. I remembered what I did yesterday, as part of my escaping feelings was clearing and cleaning JARS in my house, yes. Glass jars, which contained various spiritual and non-spiritual objects. I cleaned them all inside out and filled with some new things and discarded some old objects. Wow.
Contents of the jar the creature was holding were precious, but not to be let out. I realised there is a part of me that wants expansion, magic, freedom of expression and natural flow of gifts and talents. My higher self all-powerful and balanced wanting expansion and growth. However, there is another part of me, which is very afraid to let that power out, to live from the heart and use all the gifts that are within, because once upon a time I was told NOT to live from the heart, NOT to show my character and be proud of my gifts and never ever open up my soul to anyone. No wonder I never felt I belonged, I didn’t know who I was or who I was meant to be.
I was always aware of something more, something more beautiful and super powerful within myself, so that jar always existed, yet the lid was firmly shut on it for a very long time. For some reason this is coming up now to show me the extent of that fear. My higher self attempted an interaction with the child-life creature, which it didn’t like. Making suggestions of what it might want to do with it didn’t produce any results. There were so many barriers in place and the child-like creature was not prepared to engage let alone part with the jar or open it. In fact it began to hiss and squirm in discomfort and anger. The creature is petrified. It had been guiding the jar for so long and the thought of opening it almost didn’t exist anymore and all that remained was the fact that it had to carry it around and guard it. Yes, it feels like a waste of potential, indeed. Yes, it feels cruel and pointless and I began feeling angry myself at the injustice of the situation, but there it was – the split.
Working with this image and the split is work in progress and I suspect will be not an easy task, however, I got there at the end, I managed an insight, which clarified the degree of intensity of feeling I am working with.
When I got home I asked myself a question, as my first attempt towards healing – what am I NOT afraid doing? My answers were – when other people are involved and concerned. I am able and not afraid to look after them. I am also not afraid to write, it is my way of expression, which feels freeing and so useful in my process. Watch the space for more insights and processes. I hope this might have resonated with some of you, as a way of working with what is present.
This video, which I also watched recently resonated with what I went through and I hope you might also help some of you in your process.
The process of HOW and WHY we suffer HERE – to me this is where psychology and spirituality are linked closely and my personal psychotherapy approach is just that – Transpersonal Integrative psychotherapy and this is how the process works. We become aware of how we feel, how these feelings manifest in us and then begin to explore why these things and feelings are there in the first place and why something keeps on happening to us. It is a process of becoming aware essentially, from which everything else flows.