The sacrificial demands of the masculine still angers me, but it no longer sends me into submission, which then fuels guilt, shame and a deep sense of loss. This is no more, yet the signature of masculine vs soul, external vs internal, still presents itself in my reality. I have learnt to recognise it, it is hard not to, as often it takes on a form of such drama that these days I flop my arms by my sides feeling frustrated every time. Sadness is no longer there and I keep my focus and centre intact. I have learnt not to rush into that automatic reaction to what is a very old patriarchal energy running through veins of so many women for generations and centuries even now. Will it ever go? Perhaps, but it will take a long long time to renew the cycle of what is patriarchal manipulation and abuse.
It makes me angry, yes, however, that anger is not reactive, projecting or in any way abusive towards the masculine, instead it is a supportive source to myself that lets me know my own strength and containment. It is holding and steady foundation on which my awareness of my needs is built. This anger lets me see deeper into my soul, my heart and what the feminine, individual and collective, really desires. Whatever it is, we are completely and unconditionally allowed to follow. The masculine demands, however, hold on with all its might for what it considers theirs. Voice of the wells, water, and the feminine of the underworld is still a threat no matter what they would tell you in the open. Just like the response of the feminine towards demands to sacrifice herself lives within psyches of so many, so does patriarchal views and expectations continue to live within masculine. There is no getting away from it. What we have these days is that awareness of both and once we have awareness we have a choice about how we speak, behave and treat one another. It all comes down to a choice and a considered response towards another human, male or female.
I could get angry over and over, I can see myself easily going down that path, but it will only weaken me, as that voice will not be heard if we base that dynamic of the very old signature of ‘silencing the feminine’ even through killing her, as we all know. The masculine is solely responsible for a complete absence of trust in my life to a point that trust, as a concept, feeling, and behaviour is completely alien to me, yet I am more than capable of functioning successfully within all relationships. Yep, it is possible. I have never come across masculine energy that spoke to me of honour, honestly, loyalty or devotion. I have seen examples of the opposite multiple times that turned my stomach with disgust and a deep sense of pity. And no, a female doesn’t need to be a victim of abuse to witness this energy in everyday life, which, in many ways, even worse. So, you see, I can easily turn towards hatred and become a persecutor having been made a victim for centuries. This will only hurt me and other women. In many ways we don’t have to fight, as we know who and what we are. Time showed us over and over the ultimate power of the feminine. The most important thing is to remember our souls’ callings whatever they might be, are free to manifest. We are allowed to fly as high as we want and feel glorious about it. If one embraces its own containment, centres their actions around good and kind and exercise personal power daily there is a possibility of coming to a place of meeting one another in our humanness.
If you are experiencing the presentation I talk about above, consider not the why you feel this way, as this is easily recognisable for women, but what you choose to feel instead, what you become fand how you are going to grab your soul in your hands and carry it like the brightest torch in a place as dark as this world can be. Never give up on yourself no matter what voices you hear or forces that visit you when you are weak, hold on to that heart of yours with pride. It is in the softness our strength lies really.
As my father was fighting for his life collective praying began in various corners of the world in ways each individual knew how, unique to them, in churches, at home, with kids, on the forest floor, at the kitchen table, in the mountains, by a river. In Siberia, Russia, Spain, Hungary, UK and Scotland the family joined forces in the collective healing ritual. We are all blood-tied therefore what each and everyone felt would transmit across land, sky, sea and any distance straight back to my father’s heart.
I walked the land and spoke to pines and forest floor so reminiscent of my birth land back in Siberian forest. Memories weaves through plants, insects and textures. Smells are the same, colours are the same, plants are the same and we joined in the language of reverence to spirit and protection for the heart so precious to us all.
I chanted ‘Dishi’ (breathe) as I planted myself firmer into the land taking deep breaths walking higher into hills and saw ancestors rising up, my grandparents, and father turning into a child, newly born. I spoke with conviction ‘not yet, not now’, Breathe, Wake up, and felt the struggle between life and death happening in my awareness and his parents standing ready.
He woke up, started breathing on his own to doctors’ amazement. And to us, it was the collective strength and praying that succeeded in the return of the spirit that is within this man. He wanted to live all along.
I will be grateful to this place forever and the fact that I was here at the time of my needing to be connected to the land that speaks the same language as my soul
Writing gives me this rich, luxurious, extremely pleasant feeling that buzzes through my arms and into my fingers (just like magic does when I am in that dimensional self) and then the feeling settles right in my heart and in my throat and everywhere in between those areas. For those of you who are familiar with chakras you know what I mean about the heart and the throat areas. I think it is a simply perfect alignment and manifestation of the whole thing what is writing for me. Encapsulates its meaning wonderfully.
I can not tell you just how incredibly grateful I feel to have tapped into this dimensional self that had always been there but asleep for sometime now and this summer it’s reawakened. It happened amidst difficult silence that came into my day-to-day when suddenly clients disappeared, things got easier around me and I was staring into an empty space uncomfortably and then boom, it washed over me like a familiar scent. I never grounded it before, I realise now, and just kept it in my awareness but not engaging in any way other than observatory. This time it feels different as the feeling is very present and every day it is reaffirmed and amplified like a beacon of light that is shining from within. Truly wonderful experience.
This coming September I am planning on releasing a book of poems and I am excited to speak the words of my heart into the world. This is what my soul wants and I know it well and the last few months it has all been about what my soul wants. It is going to be my precious gift to my soul, to my craft, everything and everyone I love and the universe that I have experienced differently lately. The main heroine of the whole undertaking is, of course, Scotland.
What a roller coaster but at the same time it feels such a grounded something that suddenly slotted into place. Divine timing they call it and I am so on board with that.
I look forward to more writing magic that is here to stay.
What if I took a breath and I was there
With eyes closed transported into the heart of you
Green, solid, luxurious
You talk to me through the veins of my heart
Within the blue of my throat lies the truth of my devotion
Do you feel it?
In every second of my life dance I step into your cauldron of wisdom
Teach me more
I am open to multitude of your lessons seeping like nectar into all corners of my being
To be, to rest, to love and surrender
I want to keep on knowing the treasure that is you
Have you tapped into your life purpose via automatic programming or through the call of your soul? Those are two different things entirely.
It occurred to me the other day that stories that we tell ourselves are very often resonate with us because our minds, although useful, are very skilful at tricking us, convincing us that something is true. It is particularly true when a mind is given power over the heart and how we feel, or we by-pass the heart when making a decision or want to know if something is true for us. This is living a life through old patterns and conditions, I.e. ‘what we should be doing’, spoken in a voice not our own.
There’s a subtle energy that, however, remains waiting to be heard and I tapped into that subtlety lately that as soon as I considered an alternative magnified in its true form. This energy is a stirring of your soul, your inner voice wanting to be heard. This is your soul calling.
The times we are in right now are interesting in a way that these subtle energies I speak of are surfacing again and again, like a message in a dream that repeats. All it wants is to catch our attention so we just might change our view on the truth that we have been living.
I have come to be aware of falling into ‘conditioning’ life purpose rather than a soul purpose. It is now so clear, so what is required is a complete redefining how I serve and be here and now. It doesn’t mean everything needs to be thrown out, no, but a fine-tuning and a change in where the truth comes from (soul centre) needs to come forth. Work with me if you are curious to find out for yourself if your life purpose you desire or living is in alignment with what your soul wants. Work with me
Times we are in right now are pure gold in a way of inviting us to transform, showing us that certain patterns no longer work as we keep on bumping into the same blocks, same stuckness over and over. It is time this cycle expired. One way that works solidly is asking yourself, as a practice, every morning ‘what does my soul want, need and ask for’? Begin the flow of each day from a place of your soul and not a pattern of what ‘should be’ or expected of you. See if messages new and refreshing start coming in and change the way you feel.
I found this process of looking at my life purpose from a different perspective so illuminating and encouraging. I feel grateful for his particular insight that feels like a long way coming. Remember one thing – Soul always includes you in the equation and if you have not been including yourself into the whole life purpose habitually over and over that is one sign you might be falling into a trap of a life purpose expected of you rather than what your soul calls you to do. Big difference between the two.
The wilderness possesses me with its air as fresh and sharp as a blade of grass
My senses entwine with the spirit it holds
Precious, powerful, ancient
I walk the place feeling the roots grabbing at my feet
I need it, oh how I need it
Take me whole, I say,
Swaddle me in mystery and myth so I can become the voice as ancient as eternity
Wilderness feeds me with its elements as vibrant and penetrating as a gaze of a loved one
I surrender to the glory of all it is and become myself at once as a native animal at a distance and wild flowers all around
The wind slaps me in the face and I welcome its magic of removing webs of my unseeing
Immersion in the body of its water engulfs me as the loving and nurturing mother
I am home, fed, alive like never before