A rough start. Do you hear the rumble deep in the shadows and up in the starry sky?
Unfolding and twisting, slow and steady. Fear gripped the chest and breathing drops heavy.
A rough start. Do we coil inwards or open up like bare earth to the storm
Do we run and hide or come out into the darkest opening. We simply continue. We patiently observe Water, Air, Earth and Fire within and without.
Water invites to join the flow of life
The life stirring within the Earth as delicate as lace but as strong as the very intention of life
Air rushes through us as if to say ‘hold on’ blasting our beings with possibilities
Fire within burns steady whether strong and steady or distant and barely warm it burns
A rough start but a start nevertheless
Whatever we are to wake up to is felt and it will come when we stare in awe into future
Every year’s signature contains an authenticity message at the heart of it. I believe it is the future and has always been something true evolution is made of. The energy of it will only increase with each year and that is the beauty in welcoming a new year where such opportunity exists.
The dream is about authenticity, true beauty, light and dark.
“I was given some stunning liquid of silver and gold that was meant to be put on a face like make-up. It felt luxurious on the skin and looked beautiful. I put it on all over my face and walked into a room with a long table where there were people sitting either side.
One side of the table loved it and admired my beauty. The other side didn’t like it and preferred me without it.
There was a dilemma for myself. What did I like? What did I want to do? ‘The mask’ continued to feel wonderful on my face and looked truly stunning. It gave me a certain advantage and edge, one might say.
In the next scene I am heading towards showers to wash my hair and there is a man, who says ‘if I wash my face off I will no longer be the most beautiful woman in the whole world and will become the second in line after some other woman that will jump to the front. The man smirked and had an expression of warning about it as if to say ‘really think about what you want to do, think twice…’.
There was another man in the room, who had light hair and appeared very quiet, calm with a soft face, the opposite to the first man. Looking at him I knew instantly he didn’t care for my ‘mask’ much or the way I looked at all. He saw through me, deeper.
I decided to get rid of my face make-up and leave my hair unwashed and instantly felt lighter and more grounded.
I took a hand of the blonde man and we walked outside to the light. He appeared to have something lodged in the inner corner of his left eye. A thin stick, a string of some sort. I said to him that I will attempt to pull it out, but it might hurt. This felt like something to do with the way he was seeing things and, perhaps, the object lodged obscured his true vision. I starts pulling the string out, it was very long. The man didn’t flinch or changed in any way, he just smiled gently at me.
We embraced and fell on the ground when I realised I had a pure white coat on and was lying in mud. For a second I was concerned but quickly relaxed and no longer cared in his arms whether my coat would get ruined. His support and acceptance was all I needed.”
One of the best dreams I have ever had
In 2018 I have gone on a journey of tuning into myself, the world around me with nature continuing to be my sacred, supportive and grounding space on a month by month basis and it has been an incredible way of getting to know myself. I have not just been surprised but amazed at various things that I didn’t even know existed.
I took an approach of keeping a journal taking one month at a time, January, February, March, etc. Focusing my awareness of what happens within me at any given moment, things that arise when engaging with people and partaking in events or when being silent or walking in nature. Feelings that come up for me spontaneously and consciously, when in here and now, when asleep, dream observations, etc.
The main aim of the exercise was sharpening my awareness of myself in terms of qualities, strengths, weaker points, triggers, ways of relating, preferences in being, how well-balanced or unbalanced something was within and tuning into needs that were either always met or never met. These are just some examples of this practice.
Here’s a list of qualities I have discovered and zoomed in for each month as I became aware of those energies in me. Just to give you an example and yes, a lot of it surprised me and offered and opportunity for change.
Once we become aware of something we then are offered a choice automatically. We can choose what we do with that newly found information. That’s a beauty of making unconscious conscious. You can go as deep as you wish into what you discover, or observe it simply as it is or both.
I have truly experienced myself as ‘nice’. This might sound strange, but I saw just how divorced I have been from myself in that sense. This time I felt it, really felt it and knew that to be true. I enjoyed that one. Beautiful sensation.
I spent most of the month in a state of light and loving kindness. It was all about love, the pure kind, the transcendent kind. Another beautiful state. I was made aware that I am
able to go to that place a lot easier than I have given myself credit for in the past.
I was able to transform my relationship with the physical pain and learnt to listen to it.
And so it goes… each month there will be a theme or a feeling that would centre around me and ask tor attention and I would journal around what came up. I have had an incredible year and partly that was due to my conscious choosing of being aware at all times and in tune with what arose without trying to fight it or change it. I observed myself and wrote about it.
At the end of the calendar year I was full of lessons and knowing more than I did last year. My experiment in active personal evolving has been very rewarding and highly interesting. I would recommend this self-awareness tool to everyone looking to dive deeper into finding out more about themselves including a much subtler layers of psyche, not just things that might be familiar or obvious. Super fun. Writing as a tool is generally transformative and healing. If you enjoy writing this one won’t disappoint.
This is something I think I will always continue doing in one form or another. It is now January and I find myself in a very different place to where I was this time last year and it grabs my attention and spikes curiosity. I am excited to enter into any new space that opens up in front of me. Remaining in wonder is an essential part of life to me and for as long as awareness, enchantment and tapping into potential is there, life is full of all things interesting.
Happy 2019, everyone!
I love this poem. Happy 2019!
You must love someone,
even if only grass, river, tree or stone,
on someone’s shoulder you must lay your hand,
so that it gluts its hunger with nearness,
there must, there must be someone.
It is like bread, like a drink of water
to whom you must give your white clouds,
your brave birds of dreams,
your timid birds of despair
– somewhere for them there must be
a nest of peace and tenderness –
you must love someone,
even if only grass, river, tree or stone,
for trees and grass know what loneliness is
for footsteps always pass by
even if for a moment they linger –
for the river knows what sorrow is
it need only brood over its depths –
for the stone knows what pain is
how many heavy feet
have already stomped over its mute heart –
You must love someone,
you must love someone,
walk side by side with someone
on the same path –
oh grass, river, stone, tree,
silent companions of the strange and lonely,
good, great beings,
who begin to speak
only when humans have fallen silent.
My solace, my heart
A breath of new energy needed
I find my peace and sacred space
In you and only you
My one constant, unchangable vessel that carries all that is good and desired
It calms when internal seas rise wild
It teaches when mind is lost
It embraces when sorrow wraps round my heart
It cleans when tears are plentiful
It centres when the world is lost
It grounds when things are shaky
It balances when I struggle to come back
It speaks when the voice is lost
Most of all it maintains a state of feeling and being always here, constant anchor like a faithful dog or a trusted old ship that helps me navigate life
Like a good old tree that stands against all odds and always here to welcome me whatever the weather or season or state of the world
The one constant – nature! The everlasting light and mother, a life-long friend and companion, I thank you from the bottom of my heart for allowing me to know you truly, love you deeply and relate to you till the end of my days
The pull of a new calendar year is strong, as if something in me can’t wait for a clean sheet of paper to start writing another story. It yarns for the taste of spring, for fresh changes. This is very much in the collective at this time of year and I do have some resistance to being caught up in the collective yearly pattern, as I know there isn’t a need to be in that place, yet here I am. Have you noticed how pictures of bluebells begin to pop up here and there around this time? People post them everywhere. It pulls us out of here and now in an instant and we begin to wonder.
Anger is often present for me during this month, which is one of those months I wait to be done with. The cycle of holidays every year and all that comes with it brings a lot of ‘don’t want to be part of it’ feelings. It is quite uncomfortable with a bitter taste that needs to digest and integrate before a new something is seen and experienced. I guess what I refer to is some shadow elements of the psyche is brewing on the surface of my unconscious and, yes, I do recognise it. It needs expression, but also containment. It is angry, expressive, violence-like, impulsive. It needs attention and love, but it doesn’t mean it is a nice picture to look at. It is often not and it can be loud especially in dreams when I know how to parcify it during waking hours.
Very similar in nature if you notice in certain places, like the one I just came from, e.g. everything was grey and not just in a way of rainy skies, but the whole atmosphere was covered with colour grey, dull and feeling like it’s not enjoying it. I describe this energetically, but visually it looks like a wet, old rag, for example, that can do with a bit of whiteness injected or a dirty water that’s stagnated. It needs renewing, refreshing.
If I was to describe it as a feeling in the body that would be stress, exhaustion, sleep deprivation, ‘bags under eyes’ type of presentation. It is a sort of wanting to rest yet being restless as monsters are moving within in the dark, under the ground.
I know the ‘beast’ very well although I haven’t seen it or heard for sometime. With me the triggers are stress and being stretched or asked to do things I don’t want to do. These have been running for years. During this time I also pick it up from others easily and that overwhelms me a great deal. December is like the remains of something, like the last residue of some unpleasant drink or wet ashes post fire.
This year has all been about doing things differently and the above patterns have also run their course. Enough is enough I’d say. There’s got to be another way of expressing shadow material so that it doesn’t just have its needs’s met and go back into a state of being parcified, but it has a chance to transform into or balance with the opposing force. Something is needed immediately as these things arise. More transforming and less keeping in awareness I’d say. I will give it a go next.
Happy 2019! Let it offer more explorations and awareness. Further success and achievements, more joy and satisfaction.
The first time I knew you my breath was out to abandonment
My knees touched the greenness of your body and in awe I stood amidst a stone circle feeling protected and contained
I lowered myself into your cooling stream imagining I wash myself anew
I knew then I never wanted to be anywhere else
I knew then my love will last a life time
Do you believe in such beauty that delicately transforms your being into something so light and peaceful that is unimaginable in the world like this
I now do believe and the breath leaves me every time I lay my eyes on a silvery Loch in early evening
How can something be in such calmness among such horrors and unthinkable acts
How can something be so soothing to the soul you know there’s no other home for you, for me, for anyone who dares to love
Words are easily overtaken by feelings and it is experience so profound that saying nothing carries the most weight
I’ve been here again and again and without fail my heart remains faithful to the utter bliss you give me so generously, so unconditionally
Worship… not the word, inspiration may be, most of all it is love like the one been and lost, like the one before I was a grown up, when enchantment, wonder and heart laid bare
Like it sprinkled gold on me permanently that can’t be rub off
It shines on the inside like a fire that’s being kept alive eternally
Don’t you find peace in the love once known? Can you name a more welcomed imprint? It lives on
I know it again, here, in this land
It lives on in its glorious clothing of each season with such beauty that spirit rejoices in simply being